Ever the public servants, we here at bobcrespo.com have added one more service. Today we provide literal translations of common, but often misleading, words or phrases. Consider these:
Phrase: With all due respect.
Translation: Move over, Rodney Dangerfield.
Phrase: Not for nothing, but…
Translation: A huge something, and never good.
Phrase: You don’t mind if I …?
Translation: I’m going to anyway.
Phrase: It’s not the money, it’s the principle.
Translation: It’s the principal, and I want interest!
Phrase: You know what they say…
Translation: Here’s my opinion…
Phrase: Rumor has it.
Translation: It’s true.
Phrase: Size doesn’t matter.
Translation: It matters, otherwise the subject would never come up.
Phrase: I can see Russia from my house.
Translation: I saw Yeti once.
Phrase: Eccentric celebrity.
Translation: Loathsome degenerate with talent.
Phrase: Wired in.
Translation: I live only through my electronic devices and haven’t had to meet an actual person since 2006, thank God.
Phrase: Trickle down.
Translation: Let them eat cake.
Phrase: Luxury Condo.
Translation: There is no other kind of condominium. When was the last time anyone tried to sell you a Regular Condo, or a Drafty Utilitarian Box Condo?
Phrase: The Right of Eminent Domain.
Translation: Sorry Granny, but Walmart needs another 1,000 parking spaces, your house is bulldozer food. On the bright side, you can always apply to be a greeter for minimum wage, plus a senior discount!
Phrase: Free gift!
Translation: As opposed to, say… being charged for a gift.
Phrase: Life coach.
Translation: Scam artist.
Phrase: Higher Education
Translation: A degree in Pharmacology.
Phrase: Rap
Translation: Street poetry
Phrase: Alternative music.
Translation: Will.I.am.not.
Phrase: Aroma therapist.
Translation: Scam artist
Phrase: Peace process
Translation: Duck!
Phrase: President For Life
Translation: Beware the Ides of March.
Phrase: Can we still be friends?
Translation: Of the long lost variety, of course.
Phrase: Vice President
Translation: A heartbeat away from being in way over your head.
Phrase: The Christian Right
Translation: Those who have openly broken with the policies of Jesus Christ.
Phrase: Reality TV.
Translation: The Surreal McCoy.
Phrase: Corporate Spokesperson
Translation: U.S. Congressman
Phrase: Morbidly obese
Translation: A new dimension in cruelty by professional scolds.
Phrase: Vitamin Water
Translation: Kool Aid
Phrase: I don’t love you that way.
Translation: Or pretty much any way, now that you mention it.
Phrase: Make America Great Again.
Translation: I have no plan at all.