Ever the public servants, we here at bobcrespo.com have added one more service. Today we provide literal translations of common, but often misleading, words or phrases. Consider these:

Phrase: With all due respect.

Translation: Move over, Rodney Dangerfield.

Phrase: Not for nothing, but…

Translation: A huge something, and never good.

Phrase: You don’t mind if I …?

Translation: I’m going to anyway.

Phrase: It’s not the money, it’s the principle.

Translation: It’s the principal, and I want interest!

Phrase: You know what they say…

Translation: Here’s my opinion…

Phrase: Rumor has it.

Translation: It’s true.

Phrase: Size doesn’t matter.

Translation: It matters, otherwise the subject would never come up.

Phrase: I can see Russia from my house.

Translation: I saw Yeti once.

Phrase: Eccentric celebrity.

Translation: Loathsome degenerate with talent.

Phrase: Wired in.

Translation: I live only through my electronic devices and haven’t had to meet an actual person since 2006, thank God.

Phrase: Trickle down.

Translation: Let them eat cake.

Phrase: Luxury Condo.

Translation: There is no other kind of condominium. When was the last time anyone tried to sell you a Regular Condo, or a Drafty Utilitarian Box Condo?

Phrase: The Right of Eminent Domain.

Translation: Sorry Granny, but Walmart needs another 1,000 parking spaces, your house is bulldozer food. On the bright side, you can always apply to be a greeter for minimum wage, plus a senior discount!

Phrase: Free gift!

Translation: As opposed to, say… being charged for a gift.

Phrase: Life coach.

Translation: Scam artist.

Phrase: Higher Education

Translation: A degree in Pharmacology.

Phrase: Rap

Translation: Street poetry

Phrase: Alternative music.

Translation: Will.I.am.not.

Phrase: Aroma therapist.

Translation: Scam artist

Phrase: Peace process

Translation: Duck!

Phrase: President For Life

Translation: Beware the Ides of March.

Phrase: Can we still be friends?

Translation: Of the long lost variety, of course.

Phrase: Vice President

Translation: A heartbeat away from being in way over your head.

Phrase: The Christian Right

Translation: Those who have openly broken with the policies of Jesus Christ.

Phrase: Reality TV.

Translation: The Surreal McCoy.

Phrase: Corporate Spokesperson

Translation: U.S. Congressman

Phrase: Morbidly obese

Translation: A new dimension in cruelty by professional scolds.

Phrase: Vitamin Water

Translation: Kool Aid

Phrase: I don’t love you that way.

Translation: Or pretty much any way, now that you mention it.

Phrase: Make America Great Again.

Translation: I have no plan at all.

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