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General Interest, Humor

WHAT THINGS REALLY MEAN

Ever the public servants, we here at bobcrespo.com have added one more service. Today we provide literal translations of common, but often misleading, words or phrases. Consider these:

Phrase: With all due respect.

Translation: Move over, Rodney Dangerfield.

Phrase: Not for nothing, but…

Translation: A huge something, and never good.

Phrase: You don’t mind if I …?

Translation: I’m going to anyway.

Phrase: It’s not the money, it’s the principle.

Translation: It’s the principal, and I want interest!

Phrase: You know what they say…

Translation: Here’s my opinion…

Phrase: Rumor has it.

Translation: It’s true.

Phrase: Size doesn’t matter.

Translation: It matters, otherwise the subject would never come up.

Phrase: I can see Russia from my house.

Translation: I saw Yeti once.

Phrase: Eccentric celebrity.

Translation: Loathsome degenerate with talent.

Phrase: Wired in.

Translation: I live only through my electronic devices and haven’t had to meet an actual person since 2006, thank God.

Phrase: Trickle down.

Translation: Let them eat cake.

Phrase: Luxury Condo.

Translation: There is no other kind of condominium. When was the last time anyone tried to sell you a Regular Condo, or a Drafty Utilitarian Box Condo?

Phrase: The Right of Eminent Domain.

Translation: Sorry Granny, but Walmart needs another 1,000 parking spaces, your house is bulldozer food. On the bright side, you can always apply to be a greeter for minimum wage, plus a senior discount!

Phrase: Free gift!

Translation: As opposed to, say… being charged for a gift.

Phrase: Life coach.

Translation: Scam artist.

Phrase: Higher Education

Translation: A degree in Pharmacology.

Phrase: Rap

Translation: Street poetry

Phrase: Alternative music.

Translation: Will.I.am.not.

Phrase: Aroma therapist.

Translation: Scam artist

Phrase: Peace process

Translation: Duck!

Phrase: President For Life

Translation: Beware the Ides of March.

Phrase: Can we still be friends?

Translation: Of the long lost variety, of course.

Phrase: Vice President

Translation: A heartbeat away from being in way over your head.

Phrase: The Christian Right

Translation: Those who have openly broken with the policies of Jesus Christ.

Phrase: Reality TV.

Translation: The Surreal McCoy.

Phrase: Corporate Spokesperson

Translation: U.S. Congressman

Phrase: Morbidly obese

Translation: A new dimension in cruelty by professional scolds.

Phrase: Vitamin Water

Translation: Kool Aid

Phrase: I don’t love you that way.

Translation: Or pretty much any way, now that you mention it.

Phrase: Make America Great Again.

Translation: I have no plan at all.

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