It’s Answer Man Time Again, people! You know the drill, you ask questions and the Answer Man Answers them. Remember, questions only!
Dear Answer Man: Is it true that toilets and sinks drain in the opposite direction on the other side of the world? – Yuri Nidyet
Dear Yuri Nidyet: Yes. Next!
Dear Answer Man: You didn’t tell him why! – Nan Compoop
Dear Nan Compoop: Sorry, there’s no question here. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Will Egypt’s revolution spread to other Middle East nations? – Ernesto Godliness
Dear Ernesto Godliness: Put it this way, Ernesto: how long would it take for a bunch of Manson-eyed creeps in robes who constantly tell everybody what worthless pieces of crap they are and try to talk your favorite nephew into blowing himself to smithereens to get on your nerves in a big way? So, the answer is yes, yes it will spread throughout the region. Next!
Dear Answer Man: How did you get to be so smart? – Justin Case
Dear Justin Case: I’ll answer this one with a little parable: Two men, Tom and Teddy, were hiking in the woods when they encountered a giant hungry Grizzly Bear. Immediately Tom start to run away with Teddy on his heels and the Grizzly right behind them. Teddy breathlessly informs Tom that there’s no way they can outrun the Grizzly Bear, to which Tom replies: “I know that Teddy, which is why I only have to outrun you!” Here’s a clue, Justin: you’re Teddy, I’m Tom. Next!
Dear Answer Man: I don’t get it! – Justin Case.
Dear Justin Case: Bingo! And on such as yourself sir, is Answer Man’s fortune made. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Scientists have determined that bees are not aerodynamically sound. How do they fly, then? – Jerry Mander
Dear Jerry Mander: If you don’t tell the bees, I won’t either. Next!
Dear Answer Man: But that’s no answer, you blowhard phony! – Jerry Mander
Dear Jerry Mander: I’m sorry, Jerry, but you must submit your posts in the form of a question. Next!
Dear Answer Man: What’s with that Jerry dude, A.M.? Seems a bit uptight. – Barbados Slim
Dear Barbados Slim: He’s apparently a guy who doesn’t keep up with the latest science journals and is thus unaware of new studies explaining that the incredible speed and complex design of bees’ wings overcomes any inherent body-design deficiencies in aerodynamic drag and lift. Go figure. Next!
Dear Answer Man: No fair! – Jerry Mander
Dear Jerry Mander: You need not thank me now for teaching you this important life lesson, Jerry, but one day you’ll realize that Answer Man is right, life is really not fair.
Dear Answer Man: The Moon is moving away from the earth at the rate of about one inch per year. Where is the Moon going in not-such-a-hurry? – Carrie Miebach
Dear Carrie Miebach: The Moon is going nowhere slow, but still finding it’s permanent orbit around the earth. You see, Carrie, the moon used to be a part of Planet Earth, our Pacific flank, as it were, before there was a Pacific Ocean. Then a chuck of cosmic debris the size of Africa crashed into the planet, and one result was the moon separating and flying off into space, spinning around to become a globular mass and, although it has stopped spinning and we see only one side of it, it is still on that journey hundreds of millions of years later, but Earth’s gravity will never allow it to fully leave our orbit. It may look a drop smaller when it finally finds its permanent groove, but it’s not escaping. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Why do beavers build dams if they don’t use hydroelectric power? – Friendly Freddy
Dear Friendly Freddy: Beavers dam up streams and rivers to irrigate their farms, and don’t use electricity because they are Amish. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Is that really true, that beavers are Amish? I always figured them to be Mennonites! – Isaah Lott
Dear Isaah Lott: The Answer Man is reminded once again to be supremely grateful for the intellectual development of the readers of bobcrespo.com, and yes, beavers are dam-building Amish farmers to the core of their beings! Next!
Dear Answer Man: Is messing with people’s heads how you get your jollies? – Bull O’Really
Dear Bull O’ Really: What, you think you invented horseshit, Bull? Please! I’ve watched your pathetic dog-and-pony show, and not once do you give any credit to your mentor Josef Goebbels, architect of the Big Lie. Next!
Dear Answer Man: When bears hibernate, do they dream? – Julie DeForth
Dear Julie DeForth: Yes they do, Julie, but unfortunately it’s always that dream where you’re on the subway in your underwear trying to act normal, so it’s little wonder why they’re so darned testy when they emerge from their dens in Springtime. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Lush Limburger says global warming is a myth and says that this winter proves it. Is Lush right? – Tipper from Tennessee
Dear Tipper from Tennessee: Perhaps Lush Limburger neglected to read the parts of the scientific studies mentioning that one result of global warming will be more snow and harsher winters in some areas of The Earth. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Why don’t they give out a Nobel Prize for juggling? I can juggle two bowling pins, a bottle of wine (which I drink while juggling!) and a goldfish bowl and never spill a drop! – Jimbo the Magnificent
Dear Jimbo the Magnificent: The Answer Man loves his job! Sorry, Jimbo, I didn’t mean to get carried away. Looks like you’re a classic case of “born too late,” son. The Nobel Committee retired the Juggling While Drunk Prize when W.C. Fields died in 1946. He had been the recipient of 5 of them, a record for Nobel Laureates. Next!
Dear Answer Man: My old lady Ginger Snap tells me she’s sick of us being Poor White Trash even though we just upgraded to a double wide and got rid of most of the rusty junkers out front. Doesn’t that make us Middle Class White Trash? – Bubba Ho Tep
Dear Bubba Ho Tep: Yes, that’s exactly what it means. Tell Ginger Snap she can hold her head up high next time you two have a dustup and wind up appearing on another episode of COPS. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Who would win a 3-way cage match between Mike Sorrentino (The Situation from “Jersey Shore”), a wild African leopard and the head Transformer? – Sid Arthur
Dear Sid Arthur: I see you’ve specified an African leopard, Sid. Very astute, a subtle game-changer that makes it a tough call. The answer would be; Get a friggin’ life, bozo, and maybe a thimbleful of knowledge one of these years! Next!
Dear Answer Man: You just totally threw up your hands and bailed on this one, didn’t you, Answer Man? – Sammy Science
Dear Sammy Science: Bingo! You got me, Mister Science. An artist can only work with the materials at hand, my friend. You know as well as I do that some days in this biz you just say screw it and play the cards you’re dealt. I notice you haven’t been appearing on these pages lately. What gives?
Dear Answer Man: Hellooo! Didn’t you get the memo? Science is something the president mentions every so often and everyone nods solemnly and agrees until the next day when we go back to taking political positions on proven facts. This ain’t like the 1950’s and ’60s anymore, Answer Man, when every kid had a chemistry set and a microscope along with their baseball gloves, with maybe a rocket assembly kit too. Mr. Science is like the dinosaurs half the people around tell their kids didn’t exist! I have to admit I’ve been hitting the bottle pretty heavy lately. – Sammy Science
Dear Sammy Science: Preaching to the choir pal, and that explains your hiatus, but hey, there’s mouths to feed, and there’s no heavy lifting here, so what the hell! That said, The Answer Man has had all he can take for one day, so… I… Am… Soooo… Outta here!