A few pressing questions on affairs large and small:
So, President Obama is going to sit down and have a beer at the White House with a cop and a professor and help them hash out their differences over a disturbing but relatively minor misunderstanding that happened in Boston. Which leads the curious among us to pose the question: Isn’t there like, big stuff going on? Things like important legislation, two wars, unemployment, a recession and a health care crisis? Or were all those things solved over the weekend, pending only the completion of the requisite paperwork? Inquiring minds want to know.
Now that the jig is up for “organic food,” which has finally been declared to be no healthier than any other food, what are the food faddists going to promote next in order for them to feel smug and superior? Free range daisies, maybe?
“Let sleeping dogs lie,” is a very old saying and supposedly very wise. Which makes you wonder; were there ever any other options? Did dogs sleep standing up in days of yore? Doesn’t seem likely.
Speaking of dogs, do kids with imaginary friends also have imaginary dogs? Might as well, no? In for a penny…
With all the overpopulation of deer in New Jersey, how come the bears there still eat out of garbage cans? Aren’t they supposed to be powerful predators that can run just as fast as a deer? Either the New Jersey bears didn’t get the memo or the deer in that state are really tough customers.
Is Joe Biden really that dumb or did the Democrats entertain the notion of nominating their own Bush The Younger a couple of times in recent memory?
Are all those Ikstans that used to be part of the Soviet Union real countries now or are they just pulling our leg? Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go to just to get ambassadors sent there and then yell “Psyche!”
And is there some sort of international competition in Africa to see which government can stick their heads further up their own asses, with bonus points awarded for the most cartoonish dictator? Who’s winning? With all the genocide, civil wars and corruption, it’s kind of hard to tell. Seems like a standoff. Let’s just hope there’s no tie-breaking playoffs. We wouldn’t want to overtax the United Nations’ stern resolution writers or study-the-problem-for-six-months-while-populations-are-slaughtered committees, now would we? Doesn’t seem fair to the U.N., who already have their hands full doing nothing about huge problems on all the other continents (with the possible exception of Australia, which always seems to have “no worries, mate!“).
So now Microsoft and Yahoo are teaming up to challenge Google by creating their own bigger and better search engine and trying to grab some of the billions in advertising revenue garnered by Google. Good thing they’re striking while the iron is hot, before the whole world starts using the name Google as a verb to describe looking stuff up on the internet, eh?
In yet another example of creeping Big Brotherism, the Senate is seeking to outlaw sending text messages while driving a car. What’s next, banning glassblowing or small appliance repair when you’re behind the wheel?
Is there any reason not to rejoice that makers of dopey violent video games are reporting slipping profits?
With all the talk of sweeping change in Washington, is anybody looking into taking away the sizable federal subsidies given Senators for not growing alfalfa on their tennis courts at their “farms?” Or maybe getting some of those huge Agri-businesses off of welfare? Or are they too big to fail to suck every last red cent out of antiquated protectionist laws? Here’s a slogan: Get Dole off the dole!
Is there any reason why the panic over swine flu won’t go away? More people have died from bee stings since this dreaded pandemic has reared its not-so-ugly head, and there’s not even as many bees around as there used to be. And yet no one panics that 13.2 million people die every single year from starvation, a plague easily curable by food, which has already been invented.
And speaking of bees, where the hell did they all go? Was it something we said? Or maybe they just got tired of being so damned busy all the time, figuring let the flies take up the slack. The flowers they pollinate haven’t died off, so somebody’s on the ball with the bees’ old gig. Wonder who? Could it be one of those jobs that Americans won’t do and the illegals are eagerly filling?
Why is it only in recent times that armies have ceased marching into battle with bands blaring and banners gaily waving? Not only does it let the enemy know you are coming and enrages them with your poor taste in music, but across the broad spectrum of human activities, isn’t killing one another the one endeavor that least calls for musical accompaniment?
Is there something wrong in show business, at least on the female end of things? They just haven’t been producing any new out-of-control drunken drunken and drug-sodden bimbos for a few years now. The men of entertainment have kept up their end of the bargain admirably. A bigger bunch of cads and louts hasn’t strolled the boulevards since Errol Flynn’s salad days. But the young ladies? Please! Girls, do you even know what business you are in? What’s with all this circumspect behavior and taking good care of yourselves and the demure comportment? That puts a lot of unfair heat on Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse and Britney Spears to produce, doesn’t it? They can’t be everywhere making pubic fools of themselves and getting arrested and checking into revolving door rehab joints, can they? There must be some enterprising young ladies out there willing to step into the breach and go commando for the cameras, drive into trees while having drunken sex in their vehicles and throwing public tantrums by slugging paparazzi with barstools! Come on, girls, is that asking a lot? You’ll be rich and fay-muss…
Is it time yet for columnists and political talk show hosts to start questioning and criticizing President Obama like they would any other president? No, not the delusional right wing whack jobs who started branding him a traitor before he spent a minute in office, that’s jut meaningless noise and sour grapes, but the regular Op-ed people who have so far treated Obama with kid gloves. They sure didn’t spare Bush The Younger the tongue lash, which in retrospect hardly seems sporting. Pretty much everybody knew there was something seriously wrong with that guy. It was fish-in-a-barrel time. But with Obama, this time we got it right and elected the smartest guy in the room. Isn’t it about time we insist he starts to live up to his billing? We’re all aware that the last administration left behind an unprecedented mess for him to clean up, but, like it or not, the way it works in electoral politics is that now these are his wars, his recession, his health care mess and his rising unemployment. At the very least commentators can start asking: “What’s the plan, Bam?”