These are modern times, people, as far into the future as we’ve ever been, and it’s getting later all the time. Tick-tick-tick! These days call for new ideas, new slogans and new words to live by. No more of that “a stitch in time saves nine,” nonsense. Nobody sews anymore! And forget about “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Like hell it does! It begins with a cab to the damned airport, everybody knows that. It’s high time we get some proper proverbs to reflect these shiny new times. Quick, to the point and not leaving you scratching your head trying to figure them out. And no more than 140 characters either so that even those Twitter bozos can understand them. So, in the interest of serving the public in this brave new millennium, has compiled a few modern proverbs:

When the going gets boring, Tweeters share it with you.

Honor thy donor and thy surrogate.

If it’s on the internet, question it not.

When the cable news guru of the big red bulging forehead vein hates a foreign country, it is truly time to declare war.

There’s no business like the high speed fiber optics interface business!

You know God loves you when he makes you rich.

If God loved you, you’d be rich like all his special friends.

Avoid the poor and the hungry for God loveth them not.

The Bill of Rights is for God’s special fiends. His enemies need not apply.

There’s no place like your home page.

Home is where your equity is.

Don’t trust anybody over a hundred and thirty.

It’s not killing if an unmanned robot drone does it.

Many are texted, but few are chosen to receive emoticons.

Meeting someone in person is usually a let down. They’re just so alive and real, nothing like their true chat room self. It can be messy and demanding and take you a long time to reinvent them… (to be continued for Twitter weenies)

(proverb continued) …in your mind as a controllable pawn in your universe. Avoid this distressing disappointment whenever possible.

Covet not thy neighbor’s technology.

Sculpted Abs are better than a sculpted mind.

Beauty is the eye of the laser scalpel.

When faced with a personal character flaw, take an aroma therapy treatment and declare yourself cured. When challenged, demand to see their aroma therapy certificate!

Selfishness is its own reward.

Love thyself, period.

More than one second response time is not high speed.

Gratification delayed is gratification denied.

A chain e-mail is only as strong as its least gullible recipient.

A fool and his money are quickly parted. Let not the fool escape unburdened of his wealth.

It is only stealing if you get caught.

The keyboard is mightier than the shoulder-mounted rocket launcher.

A picture is worth a thousand pixels.

When the world is imperfect, demand that somebody take action to fix it for you.

Nobody liked polar bears all that much anyway.

Money can’t buy you love, but it sure gets plenty of Viagra.

You can’t put an old head on new shoulders, but plastic surgeons can put a young head on old shoulders, no problem.

This has been a public service announcement from

Leave a Comment

Scroll to Top