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THE BILL OF RIGHTS: A BURDENSOME SET OF ENTITLEMENTS!, AND OTHER SUREFIRE VOTE-GETTERS

American politicians are prepping for their quadrennial World Cup in 2012, The Presidential Election. A lousy economy has Republicans smelling blood in the water as the president’s approval rating plummets in perfect parallel to the Dow Jones Industrial average. We’re all about the money around here, see. Benjamins, or the glaring lack of of them.

So, a bunch of Republicans have been spending an astounding amount of money getting into game shape for over a year in anticipation of primary season. On the advice of their inner circle, most of them go the extra yard and hire personal trainers, highly paid specialists called “President Coaches,” who teach them how to appear reasonable and presidential. This is no easy task, since most of them are I’ll-stand-the-whole-way-in-the-subway-rather-than-sit-down-next-this-frightening-person crazy.¬†There are good reasons why these people have “handlers.”

Clearly, these President Coaches are taking the wrong tack here, trying to smooth out the rough edges of the Rocky Mountains This is as impossible a task as our former President Bush The Younger, who set the bar for crazy presidents, has given himself in retirement; clearing all the brush in Texas. Trying to do a makeover of an insane person is as nuts as they are. The coaches need to play to their candidate’s strengths, not reinvent them, and their main strengths are their strident ignorance coupled with obvious insanity, but a good coach uses the players he has, not the team he wishes he had. What is needed is bold thinking, some off-the-wall campaign slogans and promises that will make one raving lunatic stand out above the rest.

Their whole theory of winning the 2012 Presidential World Cup is that President Obama is so weak in the polls that America is in the mood to elect a crazy and dangerous president just for spite, so why not me? Why bother to coach that kind of exuberance out of a candidate, that raw lust for the game? Instead, the challenge is to somehow convince the people that abrasive insanity and willful ignorance are essential presidential attributes in these trying times. Maybe try some of these attention-getting slogans:

VOTE FOR ME OR YOU’RE A LIBERAL PUKE!

THE BILL OF RIGHTS: A BURDENSOME SET OF ENTITLEMENTS!

I WON’T KILL ANYONE THAT DON’T NEED KILLIN’!

I CAN SEE CHINA FROM MY YACHT, AND IT’S NOT PRETTY

LETS CHANGE THE NAME OF THE COUNTRY TO “BIG DAWG OF AMERICA!”

AMERICA IN CRISIS: ARE THE POOR DOING ENOUGH?

HATE THE SIN, KILL THE SINNER!

GOD WANTS AMERICA TO KILL HIS ENEMIES!

MEMO TO FRANCE: THANKS FOR THE STATUE, BUT KEEP THE POODLES!

KEEP THE GOVERNMENT’S HANDS OFF OUR FARM SUBSIDIES!

WHEN THEY OUTLAW JOHN DEERE CAPS, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL WEAR JOHN DEERE CAPS!

VOTE FOR ME AND I’LL BE PRESIDENT!

I’M LOUDER, ANGRIER AND MORE UNPREDICTABLE THAN MY OPPONENT!

GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES, AND I’VE HELPED MYSELF TO EVERYTHING THAT WASN’T NAILED DOWN!

SCIENCE, SHMIENCE, WINTER IS TOO COLD ANYWAY!

THE TEA PARTY – RESTORING AN AMERICA THAT NEVER WAS!

THE TEA PARTY – GOOD ENOUGH FOR ALICE IN WONDERLAND, GOOD ENOUGH FOR AMERICA!

A DISCO BALL IN EVERY HOME!

DON’T LOOK NOW, BUT THE PRESIDENT IS A BLACK GUY FROM KENYA!

VOTE FOR ME OR RISK GOD’S FIERY WRATH!

ONLY LIBERAL PUKES KNOW WHERE ALL THE COUNTRIES ARE!

IT’S TIME TO ROLL BACK SOCIALISM – FIRE THE FIRE DEPARTMENTS!

THE ONLY GOOD TERRORIST IS A REVENUE-PRODUCING TERRORIST!

AMERICA FIRST, RIGHT AFTER WE DESTROY OUR PRESIDENT!

BEING RICH IS GOD’S STAMP OF APPROVAL!

THE TEA PARTY – FOSTERING CRACKERS’ ILLUSIONS SINCE 2008!

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