The news comes to us that the weekly crime-fighting show, “America”s Most Wanted” has been cancelled by the FOX network and this season will be its last. After 24 seasons, 1,140 shows and 1,151 desperadoes captured, John Walsh and his crack team of narrators will be leaving a hole in our Saturday night TV viewing schedule. While Walsh and his team derive great satisfaction in helping both local and federal law-enforcement officials across the nation lock up some very dangerous human predators, there also a feeling of regret as well over some high profile offenders still at a large. Looks like America is on its own when it comes to catching these public enemies:

Johannes “Jay” Walker: From the heart of New York City, Mid-town Manhattan, Jay Walker has been brazenly flouting pedestrian rules and Don’t Walk  signs for over 2 decades! Surveillance footage from the security cameras of countless NYC skyscrapers and bodegas have captured Mr. Walker’s crimes again and again. His latest daring broad-daylight caper was a mad dash across Broadway at the height of rush hour, causing  at least one taxi to screech to a halt. As a result, its passenger spilled hot latte from Starbucks all over her Gucci ensemble and the driver to be temporarily blinded when his turban unravelled.

Joseph “Ripper” Kowalski: Hailing from Duluth Minnesota, this troubled loner has been spotted by alert eyewitnesses and caught on videotape at furniture stores and retail bedding outlets nationwide. A cunning criminal, Ripper pretends to be shopping for a new mattress when he suddenly produces a concealed pen knife and removes the labels from as many mattresses as he can, rendering them completely useless. He then shouts out “Death to Sealy!” and exits the premises before startled clerks and customers can react. Criminal profilers at the FBI theorize that he is  either a disgruntled former mattress factory employee, or that guy who just couldn’t find his “ideal sleep number.”

Freddy Ponzi: No one is exactly sure of what this guy did and didn’t do, but the Financial Meltdown of 2008 and the conviction of Bernie Madoff in a $100 billion  “Ponzi” scheme has authorities eager to talk with Freddy. They’re not buying his “unfortunate coincidence” explanations and have charged him with causing the near-collapse of entire financial system of the United States and the theft of $7 trillion dollars. His lawyer has gone on record with the lamest defense imaginable, that it was the bankers and corporate executives themselves that robbed all the money, and his client is just an innocent truck driver who’s name happens to be Ponzi. Then why is he in hiding and where did Madoff get the “Ponzi” idea?

William “Bull” O’Really: Long a cable TV broadcaster and professional blowhard, Bull O’Really has actually committed no crimes that AMW was aware of,  he just really got  on John Wash’s nerves with all his lying and phony anger, so Bull was often featured on the program for fraud in the first degree and “Aggravating Impersonation of a Journalist.”

Shotgun Dick Cheney: America’s first dictator, Shotgun Dick Cheney is charged with taking over the United States Government from language and motor skill-impaired George W. “Dumbya” Bush, lying America into a war with Iraq so he and he and Halliburton buddies could cash in to the tune of billion$, suspending the Bill of Rights, exposing a U.S. spy and stealing Top Secret American robot technology and having it installed in his own body to extend his life indefinitely.  DO NOT approach this man or attempt to apprehend him yourself, he is surrounded by lethal robot security guards and has a death laser eye!

If you see Jay Walker, Ripper Kowalski, Freddy Ponzi, Bull O’Really or Shotgun Dick, keep your distance and call 1(800) ohwaityoucan’tcallthey’vebeencancelled. (Now they really can guarantee you can remain anonymous!) THE MANHUNT STOPS NOW!

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