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General Interest, Humor

THE ANSWER MAN IS HERE FOR YOU!

It’s that time again, Ladies and Gents! The Answer  Man is back, and he’s here for you. You ask a question, Answer man answers it! What could be simpler? Remember, you must ask a question or I cannot help you. Lets see what’s in the Inbox, shall we?

Dear Answer Man: You’re a bit of a horse’s ass, aren’t you? – Heywood Djablomi

Dear Heywood Djablomi: Yes, yes I am, but at least my name isn’t Heywood Djablomi! Next!

Dear Answer Man: What’s the difference between genius and stupidity? – Al Dante

Dear Al Dante: Genius has its limits. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Is it true that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?  -Freida Peebles

Dear Freida Peebles: Not true at all, Freida! Food and sleep deprivation combined with a cattle prod are marvelous motivational tools, even for old dogs who are “set in their ways.” Next!

Dear Answer Man: That’s just sick! -Freida Peebles

Dear Freida Peebles: I’m sorry Freida, but you didn’t put this in the form of  question so The Answer Man can’t help you. Next!

Dear Answer Man: How can you give that lady such unethical advice? – Ben Dover

Dear Ben Dover: I’m sorry, but did you see anything about ethics or advice in Ms. Peebles’ question? I sure didn’t. She merely asked if it was possible and I informed her that indeed it was. What she does with that information is her business. Next!

Dear Answer Man: What’s the best sport of these 3: curling, golf or bowling? – Joe Sports.

Dear Joe Sports: You can’t fool The Answer Man with trick questions, Joe! None of these are sports, but games. Anything that can be mastered by out-of-shape fat guys cannot be considered a sport. Might as well call Poker a sport too if you think those qualify. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Does everyone really love Raymond? – Bud Leicht

Dear Bud Leicht: Definitely not. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Where do birds go during the winter? – Harry Lewis

Dear Harry Lewis: Boca. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Is Glen Beck right about President Obama being the Nazi Antichrist who has been sent to destroy the earth? – Howie Doone

Dear Howie Doone: The next time Glen Beck is right about anything at all will be the first time, so the answer is no. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Can Donald Trump really become president? – Ophelia Mound

Dear Ophelia Mound: President of what? He’s already president of The Trump Organization. Next!

Dear Answer Man: I meant the United States! – Ophelia Mound

Dear Ophelia Mound: Sorry, Ophelia, but there’s no question here. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Yo, my man, I think she was asking if Donald Trump can ever be the President of The Untied States. -Lyle Eikarug

Dear Lyle Eikarug: Then why didn’t she just say so? Trump for President of the USA… geez! Where do you people get this stuff? Next!

Dear Answer Man: What causes the Aurora Borealis? I think it is beautiful, like nature’s own magic light show. – Jack Hoff

Dear Jack Hoff: Beautiful it certainly is, Jack Hoff, but not magic. Here’s what causes it: Massive amounts of electrons are emitted from the Sun and carried on the solar wind. The aurora is produced when these electrons, attracted by the magnetism at the Earth’s poles, slams into the atmosphere. When the electrons collide with the oxygen and nitrogen atoms, the atoms are ionized, and this ionization causes the atoms to become excited and emit photons of light. Different auroral colors are produced depending on the kind of atom involved with the collision. Oxygen generally produces shades of colors ranging from green to brown, and nitrogen produces shades of red or blue. Auroras are more often seen during the intense phase of the Sun’s cycles. These increase the solar winds that are responsible for the creation of the auroras. (And you people thought I only go for the low hanging fruit! Hey, The Answer Man is only as good as your questions.) Next!

Dear Answer Man: What is the one true religion? – Benedict from Rome

Dear Benedict from Rome: According to their creeds, that would be all of them. Next!

Dear Answer Man: That’s no answer! How can you say that? – Benedict from Rome

Dear Benedict from Rome: That’s why they’re called faiths and not facts, Benny. Enjoy yours and be happy. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Why do guys like bankers and CEO’s of giant corporations steal when they’re already really really rich? – Bill Melaighter

Dear Bill Melaighter: Because they really really can and we really really let them. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Is nuclear power really as dangerous as everyone is saying it is lately? – Cashen Carey

Dear Cashen Carey: When a country gets hit by a giant earthquake and a monstrous tsunami on the same day and finds out that those were the least of their problems, you have to check the ☑YES box on this one. Next!

Dear Answer Man: What can I do to get people to notice me? – Walt Flowers

Dear Walt Flowers: I’m sorry, were you saying something? I wasn’t paying attention. Must be time for me to go. The Answer Man is outta here!

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