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THE 2010 TWO QUICK SLAPS AWARDS

It’s that time again! 2010 is a now a memory and here at bobcrespo.com it is our honor once again to present the annual Two Quick Slaps Awards. Looking back over this past year, there has been no shortage of deserving candidates who have exhibited behavior more than worthy of being the recipient of two quick hard slaps from our guest panel. Rotten behavior was of such breathtaking range and depth in 2010 that it was extremely difficult to narrow it down to the winners, and we respect any disagreement readers may have with our final selections. Without further ado we present The 2010 Quick Slap Awards:

The No More Mister Nice Guy Award: And the Two Quick Slaps go to …. Jay Leno! Once the domain of perennial favorites Mel Gibson, Charley Sheen and Gary Busey, Jay earned his slaps in 2010 by stabbing his Tonight Show successor Conan O”Brien in the back and reclaiming his job after only a few months, which is how long it took for it to be painfully obvious that America didn’t feel like watching him do an exact replica of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno under a different name at 10 PM.

The Sky Is Falling Award (Right Wing): Glen Beck wins his second straight set of Two Quick Slaps for fear mongering, lying, shilling for corporate interests and his overall hallucinatory demeanor, wresting the coveted award from years of domination by Bull O’Really and Flush Limberger.

The Sky Is Falling Award (Left Wing): Perennial winner Keith Olberman wins again for his cartoonish pomposity and unfounded accusations above and beyond the call of blowhardiness. Give the man Two Quick Slaps!

New Category! The 2010 Agricultural Bioterrorism Award: Monsanto Corporation Chairman and CEO Hugh Grant, for imitating the crop and livestock-annihilating James Bond villain Ernst Blofield, complete with shiny bald head and thick accent, bent on replacing the whole world’s crops with inferior seeds of his own design and bending humanity to his will. Two Quick Slaps to you, sir!

The How Can We Miss You If You Won’t Go Away Award: Given to the public figure that most wears out their welcome, the 2010 choice was a no brainer. Give Two Quick Slaps to Brett Favre for retiring from and coming back to pro football once too often. After an outstanding Hall Of Fame career as a quarterback with the Green Bay Packers, Mr. Favre couldn’t bring himself to quit with his reputation intact. Instead, he ruined the football programs of 2 other teams in pursuit of 300 consecutive games started and fell one short of than meaningless goal, and so consoled himself by e-mailing pictures of his penis to a cheerleader and getting seriously injured on the field after an embarrassing season-long display of  eroding skills. Good riddance, and Two Quick Slaps to you!

The I’m So Fucking Weird That Maybe You Should Elect Me President Award: Unprecedented in the annals of the Two Quick Slap Awards, there were too many candidates to choose a winner. Readers may insert the lunatic of their choice here, while bobcrespo.com gives Honorable Mention to Dennis Kucinich, Mit Romney, Newt Gingrich and Tina Fey. Let’s just call it a tie and give all our favorite Bizarro World politicians Two Quick Slaps!

The Earnest Rock Star Award: Here at bobcrespo.com, we prefer our Rock & Roll Stars be wild raving lunatics who think about nothing but their music and the only things they want to “Save” are vintage guitars. Hey, when you can write songs like John Lennon, then we’ll talk about you being an half as effective an activist! As well as writing half the Beatles‘ catalogue, he made Nixon’s Enemies List, was interviewed by the giants of journalism of his day,  and who’s name is practicaly synonymous with peace! You get praised by cable hairdos who smile when they speak. And what the fuck is so important about keeping Isolated Amazon Tribes isolated except to taunt the poor sons-of-bitches with our iPods and smoothy blenders? The Two Quick Slaps For Pomposity And Condescension Above And Beyond The Call Of Celebrity goes to… Bono! Now take your slaps, son, and go make that one great record your band might have left in you.

The Just For The Hell Of It Because You’re Stupid And Annoying Award: The 2010 prize for all around worthlessness goes to Sarah Palin, Queen of Being Famous For Being Famous. Normally this goes to some airhead celebrity like Paris Hilton who has no job or talent but plenty of money, but Ms. Palin more than qualified, she dominated, when she quit her job as Governor of Alaska because there was just so much more of America where  she felt it her duty to Spread The Stupid. And spread the the stupid she certainly has, exhibiting a jaw-dropping breadth and depth of stupidity not seen since the McCarthy Era! Unfortunately, Ms. Palin refused to collect her award in person since we couldn’t pay her $100,000 for the night, so feel free to bestow her Two Quick Slaps if you see her.

The Lifetime Achievement Award: For a lifetime spent in the public spotlight, almost every single moment of it spent getting on people’s nerves in a big way, The Two Quick Slaps Lifetime Achievement award goes to… Donald Trump! That’s right, it’s The Donald, ladies and gentlemen, past winner of four Two Quick Slap Awards in both the Bad Architecture and Broadcasting Ineptitude categories, who has  shown a tireless capacity for being a Supreme Asshole, an ego-ridden bully and a serial trophy wife hunter. Give the man his Two Quick Slaps and send him on his way!

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