Bobcrespo.com, in our capacity as The Official Website For 2011, has been busy with our new computer program from Maxihard called Data Pool, which contains every bit of information about everything ever, and scrolling through the “Probabilities Chart” for predictions about the year 2011. We usually shy away from this sort of thing, what with it being a fool’s game and all, but with our Computer-Generated Predictions, we have found a fool-proof way to See The Future. Look forward to these developments:
Twitter founder Jack Dorsey, the only guy to invent an internet phenomenon not to become an instant Boy Billionaire when he neglected to figure out how to make money from this free service, will go stark raving mad in 2011 when his 1997 Dodge Dart overheats in the driveway of his parents’ house, where he still lives in the basement. Mark Zuckerberg, the 26 year-old multi-billionaire founder of Facebook, will Tweet his condolences from his villa on the French Riviera.
The newly-elected Tea Party Senators and Representatives will become disoriented and upset when they realize that they are now just another part of the government they wanted to overthrow and not the rulers of New America. Having lost their purpose in life, many will demand a recount.
American troops will begin leaving Afghanistan when its new president promises that his nation will return to its former status of being a politically neutral loose confederation of inbred tribes that sell hashish and opium to Westerners to maintain their 15th century lifestyle. Ambitious travel agents will sell “Where’s Waldo” package tours to Americans who want to camp out in frigid, barren wastelands eating goat cheese while “leading the hunt” for Osama bin Laden with paint guns.
Wikileaks head honcho Julian Assange will be exonerated of the sex charges brought against him in Sweden when he points out that the sex in question took place in Sweden.
Speaking of Sweden, the Nobel Peace Prize will be cancelled until further notice, or until anyone actually delivers some peace. Nobel Committee spokesman Lars Goldindemdarhills was quoted as saying: “Who the hell were we kidding, anyway? Hell, we gave the last one to a president who is running 2 wars!”
The Tea Party will sour on Sarah Palin when she refuses to support making Timothy McVeigh‘s birthday a national holiday. Their new spokesperson will be David Dukes.
Jay Leno will get Conan O’Brien fired from his new cable show, just for the fun of it.
Bono and Sting will offer to acquire Brazilian last names if that nation halts its decimation of the rain forest populated by Isolated Amazon Tribes.
On a related note, The Confederation of Isolated Amazon Tribes will demand an end to their isolation and announce they will no longer serve as human lab rats for social scientists from the Discovery Channel. Their rallying cry will be “Kemo Sabe”, which, roughly translated from Isolated Amazonian, means: “Can you hook a brother up with some air conditioning, a Chevy and some food we don’t have to chase for 2 miles barefoot through the damned jungle because all we have are tiny little bows and arrows? And turn that fucking camera off!”
President Obama will earn Great Statesman points when he boldly declares that he has No Plan for Peace in The Middle East, pointing out that after uncounted centuries of mutual enmity, he has come to the conclusion that you could offer every Middle Easterner their weight in gold to give up their ancient hatreds and they’d still object. “They all lie just for the practice” he will explain, and declare that only the people who actually have to live in that godforsaken sand box are the ones who need to come up with a plan and America will waste no more time on the subject.
That vein in Glen Beck‘s forehead will finally burst in a bloody prime time spectacle, and the video clip will set a YouTube record for views.
Impaired by a stroke but determined to hold onto power in North Korea, Kim Jong Il will draw inspiration from Dick Clark‘s retirement strategy and name Ryan Seacrest as his eventual successor. Mr. Seacrest will accept the lucrative offer as “a golden ooportunity” and receive the title of Soon Dear Leader. His duties will entail making public appearances with President Kim and doing most of the talking.
The United Nations will respond to various international cases of genocide, war crimes and torture with a series of Scathing Committee Reports. After months of debate and deliberation, the delegates will also take a bold step to alleviate the starvation that claims over 20 million lives annually by passing a Non-Binding Invitation to form a committee to study the feasibility of extending World Hunger Week on a trial basis and renaming it World Hunger Fortnight.
Editors note: The predictions expressed above are solely the opinions of the computer program Data Pool and in no way reflect the policies of bobcrespo.com.