Normally at, we don’t go in for predicting the future, preferring a more reality-based forum, or at least as close to reality as it gets around here. This year, however, we have the privilege to unveil the first Computer-Generated New Year’s Predictions. There’s a great new program available from Maxihard called Data Pool, a program that holds every single bit of information about everything ever. Now, some people might be interested in Data Pool to find out stuff about dinosaurs, or what Julius Caesar had for lunch on the Ides of March back in the day, but that’s just so yesterday.

At, being The Official Website of 2011, well, we felt obligated to give you a Glimpse of the Future. You want historical and intellectual, get your own copy of Data Pool! There’s lots of cool info in there, including the Secret To Life and who killed JFK and the like, but we went right to the “Probabilities Chart” and scrolled down to The Future.

And guess what? Taking the history of everything that ever happened into account, Data Pool sorts out the probabilities, evaluates the players, computes the odds and spits out a likely list of possible, probable and almost definite scenarios, along with the odds of them occurring. The following list is from Data Pool’s 98.6% Guaranteed Predictions For 2011. Pretty bold talk for a computer program, but there you have it. Here goes:

Lindsay Lohan will make headlines for giving a great performance in an important movie. And getting drunk. Okay, just kidding about the first part. What, a computer can’t have a sense of humor? Hater.

Sarah Palin will say something incredibly stupid. Millions of seemingly well adjusted people will trip over themselves defending her. She’ll do it again. So will they.

Newscasters nationwide will continue to be shocked and mystified by the changing of the seasons and the variety and force of the weather that human beings experience on the only planet they have ever inhabited.

A flood, an earthquake and a volcano will happen somewhere, triggering the usual End Of Days jabber from dimwits who have somehow been granted a Prime Time Pulpit.

The 24/7 Cable news outlets will continue to create stories out of nothing in order to give themselves something to do.

A Hollywood director will be given an obscene budget to make a movie about silly computer-generated violence with a confusing story, weak character development and overpaid stars playing the same person they play in every movie. There will be many explosions, gory deaths and impressive special effects and the director will be hailed as a genius. Meanwhile, the 15 other movies with interesting stories and compelling characters that could have been made with all that money will not make it past the ADD juveniles running the studios.

A senator, several congressmen and a handful of governors will engage in disgraceful behavior. All their wives will be anointed Modern Saints.

The nation’s financial industries will continue to play high stakes poker with other people’s money, resulting in Lamborghinis, Mediterranean villas and Picassos for the bankers, and bread lines for the nation’s workers.

Another fat rich bastard will announce that unemployment insurance is taking away people’s incentive to look for a job, thus depriving him of having the honor of selling the Last American Job overseas. A lot of underemployed fools who think they can be this guy someday will agree with him.

In a revival of ancient Egypt’s practice of putting many thousands of people  to work building a monument to their Pharoah, yet another repressive regime will begin work on the new World’s Tallest Building in a country few people have even the slightest interest in visiting, gleaming tower or no gleaming tower.

Gay marriages will begin landing in divorce court, redefining messy divorce and prompting the gay community to wonder what the hell they were thinking, bitch!

The TV show “COPS” will applaud the shrinking economy, dispelling their fears that they were running out of poor white trash to publicly humiliate.

On a related note, poor white trash will continue to lend their political support to the people who keep them poor, calling it a “cultural pride” issue.

Critics will declare that Rock & Roll is dead while they promote some anemic-looking alienated weenie in a black turtleneck that makes annoying technology-based noise somewhat similar to music. Consumers will ignore them and rock on.

More people will vote every week for their favorite contestants on a reality show than will vote in the national elections. (100% guaranteed results for this one, thank you very much!)

Legislators in Arizona, after attending a history seminar informing them that The Great Wall of China was never effective in keeping out unwanted aliens, will halt construction on the Great Wall of Arizona and immediately break ground for The Great Flaming Moat of America. It will be announced that British Petroleum will win the contract to supply the necessary crude oil with a bold plan to build a pipeline to Arizona from the surface of the Gulf of Mexico.

Steve Jobs will continue to make a nuisance of himself, introducing a new iPhone or iPad every 3 weeks, informing the millions who purchased his expensive “state-of-the-art” products that this one renders them obsolete. And each one will truly be a marvel of sophisticated but accessible technology, except that it lacks this one little feature that would make it perfect. See ya’ in 3 weeks!

It will dawn on computer gamers that the “Station” in Play Station is short for stationary and they were getting chubby, pasty and disconnected and will as one people drop the stupid things, go outside and get some exercise, a decent complexion and some rewarding human contact. Tweeters will see the light and join them. NOT! Just seeing if you people were paying attention. I’m a computer program, not a miracle worker.

Happy New Year 2011 to the Human Race from Data Pool!

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