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IT’S CLEAR: AMERICA NEEDS BOB CRESPO IN 2012 – FOR VICE PRESIDENT!

The polls are looking grim for the Democrats this election. What many thought was a ridiculous notion just might come to pass this Tuesday; that the Republicans will gain a majority in the House of Representatives, only 2 years removed from their 8 year-long attempted homicide of America as we knew it.

The Young Turks in the Republican Party, not happy with how friggin’ nuts and incompetent the Republicans were under Papa Doc Cheney, have gone Rove and Company one better with a bizarre combination of extreme religion, corporate partnership and good old fashioned McCarthyism.

Crazier political wannabes never foamed at the mouth. These people are running the stupidest counter culture since the hippies back in the 60’s, who at last had the excuse that they were stoned. These Tea Party people are just dumb, scary stupid.

And yet, a lot of people are still so pissed off at the damage the Republicans did to this country that they’re taking it out on Obama, who’s 22 months in office has mostly been spent trying to plug the thousand leaks that the Cheney Administration left in the ship of state.

As little sense as it makes to vote for the party that created this mess, it just might happen. The new Republicorp Party and their wholly-owned subsidiary, the Tea Party, Inc., have once again proved P.T. Barnum’s genius by persuading millions of people to cast votes guaranteed to directly damage their own lives.

Like rubes at the County Fair buying Dr. Feelgood’s Magic Elixir, they are enchanted by the outrageous claims of carnival barkers and hand over their hard-earned for a bottle of absurd dreams. Only too late do they realize they’ve been screwed yet again.

Thanks to these Young Turks, fear, illusion, slander and lies are gaining the edge over sanity in American politics, and the only public figure to try and stem the insanity is a comedian! Apparently a lot people think it’s okay that so many supremely ridiculous people will now have jobs in The United States Congress, people even more ridiculous than some of the wackos already in Congress.

What can President Obama do to recoup these losses in 2012 and hang onto the presidency? Simple, dump Joe Biden and hire me as Vice President! Biden’s part of the problem, not the solution! The solution? Simple: Bob Crespo for Vice President in 2012!

Nobody wants some earnest old windbag as Vice President, a guy who has a whole bunch of “ideas” and “policies” of his own! That’s the friggin’ president’s job, the guy the people actually voted for

I have no such baggage and could guarantee President Obama that I won’t put in my 2¢ worth at any cabinet meetings. Hell, I won’t even show up to the damned things, they’re for people who actually run the government, not Vice Presidents.

I suffer no illusions that I can do a better job than the president, and won’t have one bit of advice to offer except to just do your very best. And you can bet your ass that I won’t take over the country either, like that douchebag Cheney did.

As for the VP job itself, well, what’s not to love? I’ll have a large staff of assistants and eager young interns to help me do jack shit, a bunch of cool bodyguards with blacks sunglasses, a mansion with a pool, my own damned jumbo jet to go anywhere I feel like, and a huge expense account. The salary is pretty sweet too, 227 grand, a lot of dough for very little effort, and a major boost in my lifestyle.

I’ll even have a “Chief of Staff,” some guy who actually knows what’s going on but isn’t quite smart enough to work for the president. Fine by me, I’ll keep him busy writing reports that no one will read while I keep my staff in tip-top shape at the Vice Presidential pool. I’ll be on call 24/7.

When I’m not entertaining some minor foreign bigshot unworthy of the presidential ear, I’ll be flying to the the Riviera or Rio de Janeiro on “fact-finding” missions. In other words, I’ll stay out of the way and let the professionals earn their keep.

In my Vice Presidential capacity as President Pro Tem of the Senate, the  only time I’ll show up there will be to cast a tie-breaking vote in favor of my boss. When questioned on the president’s policies, I’ll answer “What he said.” Unlike most vice presidents, I won’t say and do stupid things that embarrass the boss.

No president needs another headache making excuses for his jackass vice president. Hiring me for the job ensures the nation more of the president’s time devoted to his job and not to spin control to explain away the blatherings of some loose-lipped  political hack.

On the campaign trail, I’ll go wherever he asks, and say whatever he tells me to say. I look good in a suit, speak the English language fluently, get along well with almost everybody, and that’s about all you want in a vice president.

I’m also not afraid to do the dirty work when the job calls for it. For example, I can use the traditional cluelessness of American vice-presidents to the boss’ political advantage if he likes, like bringing up rumors about the opposition leaders, wondering out loud about their loyalty to America, illegal campaign contributions, or alleged episodes of bestiality and cross dressing.

Nothing that can be nailed down, of course, just good old fashioned smear politics, guilt by suggestion, tearing a page out of Rove’s Swift Boat handbook. While that’s below a president, Vice President Bob Crespo would be glad to stoop to conquer.

My eye will remain firmly on the prize: 4 years getting paid for living in a mansion with a pool and a bunch of secretaries and a jet and the best tables at every restaurant on earth and very little to do.

I swear to uphold the finest traditions of the Vice Presidency and be a man you will not remember and who’s political accomplishments escape you. Like the great, anonymous mediocrities that have come before me into this (hardly) august office, I will simply be there, and that’s about it. America needs a traditional Vice President, not another distraction.

Bob Crespo For Vice President in 2012: Dare not to do!

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