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THE ONE AND ONLY ANSWER MAN

Greetings, folks. That’s right, It’s Answer Man Time! Here’s how it works: you ask me a question, I answer it. A simple concept, but effective. Submit questions only. Don’t send me statements, since they are not questions and there is no answer for the Answer Man to provide. Let’s see what posers you people have for me today:

Dear Answer Man: Is the sky blue because the shorter wavelength of blue light rays is absorbed by gas molecules in the earth’s atmosphere and radiated in different directions, scattering blue light throughout the sky, while the longer wavelengths of red, orange and yellow rays pass nearly undetected through the air? – Mike Rowe

Dear Mike Rowe: Yes. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Why is the sky blue? – Billy who is Seven and a Half

Dear Billy who is Seven and a Half: See above, son. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Exactly who put the bop on the bop-shu-op shu-op, and who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-dingdong? – Nick Nacpadiwaq

Dear Nick Nacpadiwaq: Ah, a two parter! Answer Man likes a challenge. It was Frankie Lyman of The Teenagers who put the bop in the bop-shu-op-do-wop, while Dion Dimucci of The Belmonts is responsible for putting the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-dingdong. Next!

Dear Answer Man: You sure it wasn’t John Lee Hooker? – Nick Nacpadiwaq

Dear Nick Nacpadiwaq: Positive. Hooker was the first one to separate the boogie from the woogie, starting with “Boogie Child.” Next!

Dear Answer Man: If, as John Lennon claims in the song “Mind Games,” that “love is the answer,” what is it the answer to? – Mel Loewe

Dear Mel Loewe: The answer to that is “love,” as in “What did your mother feel for your brothers and sisters but not for your ugly butt?” How’s them apples for Mind Games, Mr. Mel Loewe? Next!

Dear Answer Man: Who’s your Daddy? – Uri Dicculaus

Dear Uri Dicculaus: That would be the late Horace Debussy Answer Man. Next!

Dear Answer Man: That’s not my name and I’m not dead! – Dad

Dear “Dad”: I’m sorry, but the Answer Man made it clear that he will respond only to questions. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Was that really your father? – Justin Kayce

Dear Justin Kayce: Asked and answered! Next!

Dear Answer Man: Is it true that the Great Wall of China is visible from space? – Richard Hertz

Dear Richard Hertz: Yes, it is true. It is also true that the Great Wall was a dismal failure that never kept the Mongols from invading, its only pupose. And yet, the Chinese kept on building it for over a thousand years. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Hey, that guy never asked if the the Great Wall worked or not, just whether or not it could be seen from space! Are you trying to ruin Chinese tourism? – Wen Jiabo, Premier, People’s Republic of China

Dear Wen Jiabo: The Answer Man stands by his answer. I don’t care all that much about tourism in your country, sir, since that would be your department. Mine is answers. Next!

Dear Running Dog Of Imperialism: You are treading on treacherous ground,  Answer Man! The People’s Republic will not be mocked! Do you want to create an international incident?- Wen Jibao

Dear Wen Jiabo: Quite frankly, Mr. Wen, the Answer Man wouldn’t mind the publicity of a good old international incident. You’re the boss of China, so why not issue one of your patented veiled threats of “dire consequences” against the Answer Man? It’s a win-win for both of us. It will put me on the map big-time, and just maybe make people forget the brown and yellow air the athletes had to breathe when your nation hosted the Olympics. Just to get the ball rolling, I’ll repeat my assertion: Even though the Great Wall of China was a huge failure, one Chinese emperor after another kept building the thing for centuries. Next!

Dear Enemy of the People: The People’s Republic of China demands you cease and desist your unconscionable slander against China! We insist that you retract your false statements or face dire consequences!

Dear Wen Jiabo: Mr. Wen, you have to put your inquiry in the form of a question. A man of your accomplishments ought to find my ground rules easy to follow. Can’t help you here, Mr. Premier. Next!

Dear Agent of Decadent Colonial Usurpers: A thousand pardons, Answer Man, I’ll put a question in here somewhere. Here goes: The People’s Republic of China demands that you cease and desist your unconscionable slander against China! We demand that you retract your false statements or face dire consequences! Will you or will you not comply? The world is watching, Mr. Answer Man! – Wen Jibao

Dear Wen Jiabo: That’s what I’m talking about! No, sir, I will not bow down to your Communist bullying. That fact that China made my computer and every stitch of clothing my back does not give you the right to censor Americans! Next!

Dear Answer Man: Are you nuts? Without China, Walmart would still be a local 5 and Dime franchise in Porkbutt, Arkansas! Back off! – S. Robson Walton, Chairman, Board of Directors, Walmart Stores, Inc.

Dear S. Robson Walton: No, the Answer Man is not nuts, and frankly hates your store and considers Walmart to be the enemy of America. And we all know the S in “S. Robson” stands for Sam, you Commy ass-kissing, worker-exploiting, community-trashing, tax-cheating corporate weenie! Next!

Dear Answer Man: Aren’t you taking a huge risk by making an enemy of such a powerful man? – Dot Sahl

Dear Dot Sahl: Not at all. Why should I care what the premier of China thinks of me? Next!

Dear Answer Man: No, I meant the Chairman of Walmart! Doesn’t he scare you? – Dot Sahl

Dear Dot Sahl: Not at all Dot Sahl, not at all. He may be a billionaire, but he has to be the reprehenible weenie S. Robson Walmart forever, while I get to be The Answer Man! And on that note, I bid you readers adieu until next time. Dot’s all, folks!

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