Hello folks, it’s ANSWER MAN TIME again! Here’s how it works: you send me you questions, and I answer them. It’s just that simple! Now remember, The Answer Man only replies to questions, so think Jeopardy here. Okay, let’s go.

Dear Answer Man: Who’s dumber, Palin or Beck? – Al Depantzyu

Dear Al Depantzyu: Which Palin; Todd, Sarah or Bristol? And which Beck? Can’t be the rock star, he’s pretty sharp. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Sarah and Glen. – Al Depantzyu

Dear Al Depantzyu: I’m sorry, but you didn’t submit this in question form, so there’s no question for Answer Man to answer. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Are you making fun of my disabled son Trout? – Sarah from Alaska

Dear Sarah from Alaska: Looks like you just did the Answer Man’s job for him, Sarah. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Me smarter than her be! – Glen from Mount Vernon

Dear Glen from Mount Vernon: Is this too difficult a concept for you, Glen? You ask a question, I answer it, period! Maybe tic-tac-toe is more your game than linguistics. Next!

Dear Answer Man: What is the atomic weight of cadmium? – Danny The Dancing Bear

Dear Danny The Dancing Bear: 112.411. Next!

Dear Answer Man: What’s your opinion of Israel? – Mort Goldsteinmanowitzberg

Dear Mort Goldsteinmanowitzberg: Kudos for not shortening your name. Others I’ve known go with Mo instead of Mort.  Anyway, Israel is a small foreign country bordering the Mediterranean Sea in the Middle East, population approximately 7,600,000. It’s bigger than Liechtenstein but smaller than New Jersey. Other than that, The Answer Man doesn’t think much about the place. Why, is there anything interesting going on there? Next!

Dear Answer Man: You can’t be that out of touch! – Mort Goldsteinmanowitzberg

Dear Mort Goldsteinmanowitzberg: Again, there’s no question here, so Answer Man can’t help you. How can Answer Man be expected to provide answers when there is no question? Next!

Dear Answer Man: Geez, Answer Man, what’s with that Mort guy? – Bee Mynhus

Dear Bee Mynhus: Probably some geography nut trying to stump The Answer Man. Not going to happen. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Who’s hotter, Madonna or Lady Gaga? – Justin Beaver

Dear Justin Beaver: Lady Gaga. Next

Dear Answer Man: Are you kidding? – Justin Beaver

Dear Justin Beaver: No. Next!

Dear Answer Man: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound, and if so, what sort of sound? – Puddin’ Head Wilson.

Dear Puddin’ Head Wilson: Of course it makes a sound, the same sound as when you bump your wooden head on reality. Next!

Dear Answer Man: But how can you be sure? – Puddin’ Head Wilson.

Dear Puddin’ Head Wilson: The laws of physics don’t change when Puddin’ Head Wilson’s not around to supervise nature. That’s like saying the things that blind people cannot see do not exist. Next!

Dear Answer Man: That’s telling him, Answer Man! Now, for my question: What is God’s real name? – Manny Tymzover

Dear Manny Tymzover: Slappy Jones. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Is the Mayan calendar correct in predicting that the world will end in 2012? – Tim Eisenmyseid

Dear Tim Eisenmyseid: The world ended a long time ago for the Mayans. If they were any good at predicting the future they’d have known about the Spaniards going all Apacalypto on them, maybe prepared themselves and lived to see 2012. So, the answer is no. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Do you know the secret to life? – Bill Fould

Dear Bill Fould: Yes, yes I do know the secret to life. Next!

Dear Answer Man: You didn’t tell me what it is!

Dear Bill Fould: Sorry, Bill, not in the form of a question. Can’t help you, pal. Well, folks, that it for The Answer Man for now. Until next time!

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