As a public service, from time to time offers interviews with prominent people. You can check our archives for our interviews with Mick Jagger, Willie Randolph, Satan’s son, Bush The Younger, Santa Claus and others, as well as our groundbreaking sit-down with the great Elmer Fudd. Today’s interview is not of a famous person, but more of the man-in-the-street variety, or more accurately, the man-in-the-casket. For the first time ever, has received permission to interview a dead person, to see what insights we can get from beyond the grave. Meet Benny The Dead Guy: So, Benny, this is it. What can you tell readers of about the service you received here at Chillum’s Funeral Home?

Benny The Dead Guy: Okay, Benny, we’ll take that as a no comment, and maybe a head’s up to the folks here at Chillum’s. What about your funeral, Benny? Were you pleased with the turnout?

Benny The Dead Guy: By the expression on Benny’s face, it appears there were some no-shows. Care to name names, Benny?

Benny The Dead Guy: Very cagey, Ben. Your expression says it all, they know who they are. So tell us, are you looking forward to your dirt nap?

Benny The Dead Guy: You’re right, Benny, that was just wrong and didn’t deserve an answer. Sorry. I suppose it’s difficult to contemplate eternity, even after you’re dead, eh?

Benny The Dead Guy: You’re not helping me out much here with your knowing silence, Benny, it just doesn’t translate well to the written page. And your body language is just a little too subtle, pal. The readers here are expecting some insight into death. Can you help us out here?

Benny The Dead Guy: Okay, if that’s how you want to play it, fine! I’ll just throw out some autosuggestions, and you twitch or something if it rings a bell, do nothing if I’m wrong. Here goes: Did you see God?

Benny The Dead Guy: Okay, not yet, eh? There must be some sort of screening process before you get to meet the Big Guy. Makes sense… okay then… how about that white light we hear so much about from people with near-death experiences?

Benny The Dead Guy: No? I guess that death, like life, is a different experience for everyone. Try this on for size: Pearly Gates!

Benny The Dead Guy: Doesn’t ring a bell,eh? So tell us, Benny the Dead Guy. what exactly has been your experience with death?

Benny The Dead Guy: What about harp music? Or is more like cellos, flutes and violins?

Benny The Dead Guy: Don’t be so coy, Roy, our readers want to know! What’s it like to wake up dead?

Benny The Dead Guy: Well, that does it, Benny The Dead Guy! If you don’t want to cooperate, why didn’t you just say so in the first place?

Editors note: Well, that didn’t work out as planned. Funny, Benny was all for it before he died, figuring he’d be the first one to give us all a shout out from the other side, but went all unresponsive and silent on us. Apparently something changed his mind. Wonder what that was? Until the next time, this has been an exclusive interview from with Benny The Dead Guy. We’re outta this funeral parlor!

Benny The Dead Guy: What an asshole! I thought he’d never shut up and go away.

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