THE ANSWER MAN IS BACK!

It’s Answer Man Time, boys and girls! Shoot me your questions and The Answer Man will answer them. Nothing’s simpler, so let’s get started:

Dear Answer Man: Should America legalize Medical Marijuana? – Beau Dashuss

Dear Beau Dashuss: Yes, of course it should, Marijuana is relatively harmless, but only if all the pot smokers admit they really don’t care about Medical Marijuana all that much and just want their mind-bender of choice to be as legal as whiskey. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Who da man? – Slappy McCoy

Dear Slappy McCoy: You da man, Slappy! Next!

Dear Answer Man: When will our precious animals be given their rights? – Kitty

Dear Kitty: When the precious things start voting and paying taxes and quit crapping all over the place, that’s when. Meanwhile, make mine medium rare. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Would you explain to my little Billy how important it is to eat his vegetables? – Peg O’Mahart

Dear Peg O’Mahart: No. That would be your job, Mom. Besides, for all I know, you’re trying to feed the poor kid Brussels sprouts, which falls under the category of “cruel and unusual punishment.” Next!

Dear Answer Man: Will Sarah Palin be the next president? – Bull Shultz

Dear Bull Schultz: Of what? Next!

Dear Answer Man: Of America, of course! – Bull Shultz

Dear Bull Schultz: Im sorry, but you need to put your inquiry in the form of a question before the Answer Man can help you. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Not so fast, Slick! Will Sarah Palin be the next President of The United States?

Dear Bull Schultz: No. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Why not? – Bull Schultz

Dear Bull Schultz: There’s an unwritten rule that America only gets to have one really stupid president per century, and Bush The Younger already used up the 21st century’s quota. Next!

Dear Answer Man: How come Bull Shultz got 4 chances? – Mike Hunt

Dear Mike Hunt: I like his name. Yours, not so much. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Who is really buried in Grant’s tomb? – Cici Ryder

Dear Cici Ryder: Ulysses S. Grant. Next!

Dear Answer Man: What do you call a butler from India? – Rick Shaw

Dear Rick Shaw: Mahatma Coat. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Who wrote The Autobiography of Winston Churchill? – Alex Allenti

Dear Alex Allenti: He did, of course. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Who did? – Alex Allenti

Dear Alex Allenti: Who did what? Next!

Dear Answer Man: I meant who wrote The Autobiography of Winston Churchill? – Alex Allenti

Dear Alex Allenti: I just told you, he did! You’re starting to get on Answer Man’s nerves here, pal. Next!

Dear Answer Man: What’s with that Alex Allenti dude? – Juan Barleycorn

Dear Juan Barleycorn: Some people are just slow, Juan. Next!

Dear Answer Man: How do you fold a fitted sheet so that it is perfectly flat? – Ophelia Kidney

Dear Ophelia Kidney: You don’t. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Glen Beck is losing his eyesight. How can I help? – Al Dante

Dear Al Dante: See if you can get the infection to spread to his vocal cords. Next!

Dear Answer Man: I meant how can I help Glen Beck? – Al Dante

Dear Al Dante: Make up your mind! Think seeing eye dog here, Al. Next!

Dear Answer Man: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? – Murray Poppins

Dear Murray Poppins: You can’t fool The Answer Man, Murray, this is a trick question! Everybody knows angels can’t dance. But if they could dance, the answer would be one. Pinheads are tiny (check your mirror). Next!

Dear Answer Man: Have you ever read the Bible? If so, how does it turn out? I lost interest halfway through. – Di Tryon

Dear Di Tryon: Yes I have, and it ends with a lurid description of a bad acid trip. Sort of anti-climactic and disappointing. Go figure. Next!

Dear Answer Man: How dare you call the Book of Revelations a description of a bad acid trip? It is the revealed word of God! – Reverend Mel Lowe

Dear Reverend Mel Lowe: I just call ’em like I see ’em, Rev. If you know for sure what The Book of Revelations means, let’s hear it. That ought to be a real revelation. Well, that’s it for the Answer Man, boys and girls. We’re done!

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