Bobcrespo.com is doing yet another public service. We’re just all about the love here at bcdc HQ, so here is a list of things that if you do, say or think, means that you are indeed Fucked Up. Here goes:
You have a TV in your bathroom: That’s just Fucked Up any way you look at it.
You blew a hole in the ocean floor and are killing everything with crude oil: If that describes you, you are most definitely Fucked Up.
You think Steve Jobs is a cool guy: Okay, maybe the guy makes decent products, but there isn’t a smugger, more irritating geek alive. Rich and smart as he might be, he’s definitely Fucked Up. No need to join him.
You think health care is a bad thing: Exactly which part of providing medical care to sick people is the evil part? Would it be the medicine, the healing or the grateful smiles when a loved one recovers? If this rubs you the wrong way, that’s a pretty good indication that you’re Fucked Up.
You don’t like ice cream: You’re Fucked Up and there’s little hope for your sorry ass.
You spend your spare time inventing new emoticons: We all hate you and you are Fucked Up. See if you can come up with one that resembles an extended middle finger and send it to yourself.
You prefer “Law & Order, SVU” or the lame-ass “Criminal Intent” one to the regular Law & Order: You got something against Sam Waterson’s unibrow? That’s Fucked Up!
You carry a man purse: Next!
You talk a whole lot about the Rapture: What the fuck is the Rapture? This is Christianity you’re talking about here, right? Well it’s based on this book, see, called the Bible, and pretty much everyone has a copy. You can’t just make new stuff up! It’s already been made up, and The Rapture ain’t in it! That’s just Fucked Up. You’re not scaring anybody and you can go away now.
You are a member of a criminal gang: You’re a maladjusted punk who can’t make it on your own, and very Fucked Up. Nice tats, Bozo! That skull with the snake and the bloody knife is forever.
You’re a boss at Goldman Sachs: Not only are you Fucked Up, you’re the worst possible kind of bank robber ever, a boring one. You greedy pricks never stand the house a round of drinks after a big score, never spread any honey around town, you Goldman Sachs of shit! Go sit in you private art gallery and admire your Renoirs, you soulless creep.
You are a doctor or scientist and accept money from a corporation to lie about their dangerous product: You slimy betrayers know you’re only a bunch of Fucked Up cheap whores.
You lie about another country so that Congress will let you invade them and steal their oil at the cost of over 100,000 lives: That’s about as Fucked Up as a person can get.
You insist your woman wears a potato sack that covers her entire face and body when in public: How Fucked Up is that? What, you’re ashamed of her? Listen, Abdul, don’t take it out on the old lady just because you’re on the wood and your medieval society demands you pretend otherwise. Be a man about it and just admit you’re gay, it’s no crime. Your crime is enslaving women. Tell those bearded old chicken hawks in muumuus that run your life to go fuck themselves.
You’re a self-help guru with your own TV show: Odds are you’re a bug-eyed scary creep and really Fucked Up. You might want to work on that.
There’s not enough Apps on your brand new phone: Do us a favor and don’t show how us all the wonderful thing your cell phone can do. How about making a damned phone call? When you come up with an App to make you less Fucked Up, let us know.
You’re Glen Beck: Wow. Fucked Up doesn’t even begin to describe how Fucked Up you are. There’s not enough Thorazine on the planet to make you anything but the stupidest and most irritating Wus on earth. Who let this dog out?