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A CLOSE CALL AT THE WORLD CUP, AMERICA LOSES. THERE IS A GOD!

In South Africa on Saturday, June 26, 2010, The United States avoided a cultural disaster of epic proportions by losing their World Cup soccer match to Ghana and getting eliminated from competition. We can only thank God that it didn’t occur to anyone to use actual athletes instead of soccer players on our American team, a move that would revolutionize this game.

There was one such scare when Kobe Bryant showed up dressed in soccer clothing, but it turned out he was just there to seek out new girlfriends half a word away from home so he wouldn’t have to add to his wife’s extensive diamond collection. Also rubbing elbows at the World Cup were renowned womanizers Bill Clinton and Mick Jagger.

Apparently there’s a lot more action off the field than on it at a World Game., which isn’t very hard to imagine at all. Soccer basically consists of 22 guys running up and down a football field kicking and face-slamming a ball and doing their best not the let it roll in to the gigantic goal areas at each end of the field. They’re pretty good at that, all that not scoring, with most games ending up tied at zero-zero.

Rumor has it that there are rules to all this chaotic running and kicking and flailing about, but you’d never know it by watching a game (if you can stay awake). Even the 90 minute clock is more of a guideline than a rule, with the referees having the power to extend the length of the game but not tell anyone. They can also nullify a goal for no reason at all and not have to explain why.

Not that there’s any reason at all to care about any of this. It is, after all, soccer and not a real sport. What Americans need to worry about is having our team accidentally win one of these World Cup tournaments one of these years and popularizing the game here. And make no mistake about it, winning or losing one of these games has nothing to do with skill, since there are no skilled athletes in the field, so the danger of winning is always there. It’s all  luck.

Our answer has always been to put the clumsiest, most uncoordinated people we can find on our soccer teams in order to ensure defeat, and even then they sometimes win over teams whose countries have been playing the game for over a century. We have enough problems here in America without adding soccer. Bad enough that suburban Soccer Little Leagues have been punishing our children for 30 years and the government does nothing about it.

Let the rest of the world have their soccer and their World Cups and their vuvuzela horns. They’ll never be America, and they need something to call their own, even if what they call their own is the reason why they’ll never be America. We get amber waves of grain, purple mountains’ majesty, and actual sports. They get soccer. Nobody ever said life was fair.

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