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Humor

IDEAS WHOSE TIME HASN’T COME

Ah, people! Were just chock full of notions, bless our hearts, one bright idea after the next; inventions, rules, philosophies, codes of behavior, religions, laws, poems, essays, operas, stories, texts, tweets, TV shows and recipes. There’s just no shutting us up, nearly 7 billion bright ideas.

As a public service, senior  analysts and researchers at bobcrespo.com have been working feverishly to sort out these grand ideas being put forth into the arena of public opinion, hopefully separating the wheat from the chaff. The beneficial and successful ideas can be seen pretty much anywhere, while we present some of the less successful ones so that our readers can steer clear of life-wasters. Consider these non-starters:

Real Crack Hos of Kings County: Set in Brooklyn, this reality TV show follows the lives, loves and foibles of 4 wacky crack-addicted women from the area called Brownsvillle. Watch as Rhonda, Wanda, Chica and Blue Lou scour the ghetto streets in search of money for the drug they love and show the world what they will do do get it. Episode 1: Wanda and Blue Lou are released from the Women’s House of Detention and encounter some interesting and imaginative gypsy cab drivers as they whore their way back to Brownsville with no money, trading “favors” for cab rides. Rated PG.

The Time Channel: Cable TV’s answer to the phenomenally successful Weather Channel, the Time Channel presents public access to the exact time anywhere on Earth! Wondering if you’ve got the right time? Wonder no more and tune in to the Time Channel!

iGlasses: Not one of Steve Jobs’ and Apple’s most popular products,  iGlasses were introduced as a complement to the iPod, for music lovers who also enjoy the music videos that often accompany their favorite pop songs, as well as movies and TV shows. iGlasses are just what they sound like, a pair of eyeglasses that plays high definition video before your eyes, anywhere, any time, one after another after another. The problem here was obvious, of course, and Apple wound up settling some nasty lawsuits out of court and quietly withdrawing the entire iGlasses product line.

The Prairie Home Jihadist: This was a very short-running radio show designed to cash in on a new demographic: American born alienated young Muslim men. Sponsored by a mosque in Queens, the broadcast was a combination variety show and talk radio, featuring inspirational condemnations of The Great Satan, a repertory company called The Gen-X Jihadis, something called “Bin Laden’s Greatest Hits,” and a comedian telling infidel jokes in Farsi (Translation: “Q: How many infidels does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What’s a light bulb?“). It also sponsored many vacations abroad for Islamic bachelors, mostly to “Koran Kamps” in Pakistan to reconnect American Muslims with their roots.

Methane fueled cars: Everyone knows what methane gas smells like. Thanks, but… Back to the drawing board, Einsteins.

The Remote Remote: How many times has this happened to you? You’re on the couch, the snacks and dip are laid out, drinks are on ice at your elbow, you’re snugly wrapped in your slanklet and settled in for a night of Reality TV, but you can’t find the remote! You don’t want to get up, but what are your options? With The Remote Remote, problem solved! A pendant-sized keypad that hangs around your neck, this labor saving remote control controls your remote control when it is out of reach. Or in someone else’s hand! Watch their faces when they tune in to their favorite shows and discover that your show pops up every time! Act now and get a free TV Buddy Bed Pan, and you’ll never have to get off the couch again!

The Tea Party: With many Americans fed up with both the Republican and Democratic parties, the time is ripe to form a new one. Unfortunately, the new Tea Party is not a real political party, but a subsidiary of the GOP, and so far offers nothing but rage. Sort of like a lot of those scruffy 1960’s activists; good for a protest rally, or a sit-in with some good TV face time ranting about “The System,” but a little light on The Plan, Stan. Any solutions? Acceptable alternatives maybe? We’re all ears. So far, it’s all “don’t pay any damned taxes and carry your sidearm openly in the supermarket,” like some 8 year-old boy’s cowboy dream. Oh yes, there’s also “Providing health care is Stalinism and Obama is the Manchurian Candidate.” What, the two Forever Wars are okay with today’s takin’-it-to-street tough guy rebels? Bunch of wimps. No tear gas, no street cred. At least those 60’s guys helped to stop their Forever War. Did it stoned on pot and LSD, too. The Republic endured.

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