For the first time in 13 years, the Chinese Communist Party has issued a new ethics code. Apparently the universally proclaimed (by communists, anyway) superior virtue of just being a communist needs periodic reinforcement. The founder of Chinese Communism, The Great Helmsman himself, Mao Zedong, was always revising his list of dos and don’ts for his fellow Chinese, most notoriously by starting the Culturual Revolution 23 years after his Regular Revolution secured him undisputed power. Mao was seriously addicted to revolution, murder and rule making, so in 1966 he started the Cultural Revolution that was a perfect combination of his three passions and resulted in millions and millions of deaths of people who weren’t even his enemies. And yet somehow this monstrous butcher gets to be remembered as some kind of cuddly old Grandfather of His Country.

The current regime is a bunch of button-down capitalists who are communists in name only, a curious combination of good old fashioned police state dictators and robber barons, the first generation of Chinese leaders who did not participate in the revolution of 1927 to 1949. Now that those Communist puritan founding fathers and grandfathers are safely dead and the government no longer makes war on their own citizens, communism is pretty much what these commu-capitalist tyrants says it is. There are no more expensive and futile efforts to remake humanity into some sort of ideal beings working for the common good, and their disastrous 5 Year Plans are also history. And instead of implying what is wright and wrong and showing people the errors of their ways by killing them when they don’t take the hint, the new Chinese dictators, in line with their corporate leanings, issue detailed directives spelling it all out. Consider these puzzling new rules for Chinese Communists.

No Communist Party official shall endanger profits.

Copyrights and Patents are decadent Western concepts.

In order to ensure that our comrades’ mail is delevered perfectly, all personal communications, both electronic and traditional, will be thoroughly inspected for spelling errors by party officials.

Foreign journalists working in China will be granted the privelege of having their stories and reports improved by officials at the People’s Better Writing Bureau.

Members of Opposition Political Parties and Movements will be given the opportunity to pursue increased physical stamina and personal discipline at The People’s Sleep-Away Camps For Grownups.

Effective immediately, all technical support representatives dealing with America customers will henceforth use the only the names Betsy or Butch. This will simplify the process and gain the trust of the American Running Dogs of Socialism.

All good Communists will henceforth read the Little Green Book, a collection of the wisdom of Warren Buffett on international markets, value investing, aggressive accumulation and how to create a state-sanctioned monopoly.

In order to eliminate corruption in the Worker’s Paradise, any rewards paid to Party Officials by corporations for favorable treatment will be called “incentive bonuses” and “stock options.”

All references to the “incident” in Tiananmen Square in 1989 will be henceforth referred to as “The Tiananmen Square People’s Disco Bash.”

History books will be amended to reflect the desire of the Tibetan people to be liberated from the ruthless tyranny of the Dalai Lama and his barefoot monks.

An area of The People’s Republic the size of Pennsylvania called the “Former Lead Battery Capital of The World” has been closed for repairs for the remainder of the millennium. The New Lead Battery Capital of The World is being constructed by The People’s Buddhist Monk Volunteers Brigade in Lhasa, the capital of Tibet.

In an effort to allay the fears of citizens in the so-called “earth-quake alley” of northern China, all new construction of dams and nuclear power plants shall be built on top of a 12-foot foundation of shock-resistant and water-absorbent Sham Wow Super Absorbent Wipes to soak up any floodwaters and nuclear waste material in the event of another earthquake, which will be wrung out afterwards by The People’s Buddhist Monk Volunteers Brigade.

With China now having the largest number of people in the world who speak English, the People’s Republic has commissioned a Linguistics Conference to do something about the letters R and L. Until such time as a satisfactory resolution is reached, no Chinese shall use the words “inscrutable,” “lollipop” or “irregular” unless absorutery necellaly.

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