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IRAQ: JUST LIKE TEXAS EXCEPT FOR THE EXPLOSIONS, THE CIVIL WAR AND ALL THAT CHAOS

It’s election time in Iraq. You know what that means, right? Yes, that’s right, an opportunity for Urban Renewal! In a unique cultural quirk, Iraqis look at elections as not only ringing in the new when it comes to elected officials, but a chance to demolish a lot of aging, decrepit buidings. And if the demolitions experts are notorious for not clearing the area of civilians before setting their explosive charges, well, that’s just Darwinism at work, Iraqi style. The thinning of the herd and survival of the fittest is more than dry book theory to Iraqis, who put it into practice with constant field testing, and only the fittest, the smartest and the swiftest of Iraqis survive election season.

Which works out pretty well for them. Who would you want rebuilding your shattered infrastructure, a bunch of slow, unthinking drones who blindly walk into a trap and are mowed down like so many blades of grass, or those smart enough and fast enough enough to outwit and outrun the demolition men? Of course you’d want only the best and brightest to build the New Iraq, what with the old one being in pretty bad shape after a 10 year war with Iran back in the 1980s, a beat down by America troops in 1991 and the complete annihilation of their army and former government by America starting in 2003 and continuing to this day. These people need their wits about them!

With their old leader hung and his government removed from office (hung), the elections are are a necessary exercise to formulate a working government in preparation for the day when American troops cease occupying this Texas look-alike. And what better way than to start fresh, with brand new roads, buildings and power plants to replace the old roads, buildings and power plants? Which, truth be told, were getting a little long in the tooth, with some of these structures dating back thousands of years! Forward-thinking Iraqis are grateful to America for providing them this golden opportunity to bring their ancient nation into the 21st century.

Towards that end, whenever an election is called, the demolitions experts get busy. First, they gather to decide which buildings and open air markets have to go, then there’s the recruitment and training phase where young men are signed up to carry out the clearing of the old and decrepit to make way for the shiny and new. Apparently many Iraqis are unhappy with their government buildings, especially those housing their police and military forces, and also their hopelessly antiquated polling places. So, in order to provide the New Iraq with state-of-the-art facilities, the old ones need to be torn down, and in a big hurry. Nothing says go away like several hundred pounds of C-4 plastic explosives packed tightly in an old sedan!

And if some Iraqis are too old, slow or dimwitted to avoid the demolition sites, well, it’s the old eggs and omelets theory, although the Iraqi recipe for making an omelet always seems to start with vaporized eggs. To each his own, as they say, and who’s to say that Iraqi omelets are less tasty than others? What may seem chaotic and frenzied to Western eyes is merely a new cultural take on political institutions and nation-building. So far during this election season, many new construction sites have been prepared, with some of the explosions so powerful that the foundation is pre-dug for the builders. All the engineers need to do is clear away the rubble and the bodies and start pouring cement!

So let us applaud the industrious Iraqis for their refreshing approach to democracy. Useless people and useless infrastructure swept aside together, making room for the new, the bold and the modern! When the dust clears (literally), Iraq will be in possession of a new set of leaders and a new set of impressive buildings in which to house them. America can then pack up and go home, well satisfied that our work is done as the newest member of the Brotherhood of Democracies sets up shop in the Middle East as a shining beacon of liberty and a fine example of self-determination and Social Darwinism. Let the voting and exploding begin!

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