Dear readers: Sammy Science here. It seems that our previous discussion of mankind’s baby steps into space that has been going on since the late 1950s has provoked some pretty nutty responses. Since sociology and psychiatry are not my specialties, I can’t say who’s nuts any better than the next guy, but that should be sufficient. Most people are very well versed in the ins and outs of the human psyche, and pretty much anyone can tell a kook from a serious person. Let’s look at the shitstorm we’ve unleashed with a spirited exchange of e-mails from two Creationists:

Dear Sammy Science: Are you or are you not a supporter of allowing science teachers in public schools the option to discuss Creationism alongside Darwinism? – Reverend Ray Bob

Dear Reverend Ray Bob: No, no I am not. Then it wouldn’t be a science class anymore, would it?

Dear Sammy Science: It seems to me that in your last blog you intimated that man is evolving. My question is this: How can you go against the Holy Word of God in a public forum and not expect to be cast into the eternal damnation of Hell Fire? – Reverend Bobby Ray

Dear Reverend Bobby Ray: I’ll take my chances.

Dear Sammy Science: That’s no answer! How can we raise God-fearing children in an atmosphere that allows the likes of you to spread the lies of Darwinism and Global Warmingism? – Reverend Bobby Ray

Dear Reverend Bobby Ray: Global Warmingism? Are you sure you’re a Reverend, sir? I was under the impression that an education was required in order to receive a degree in Divinity and the right be called Reverend. I’ve had more insightful and intelligent letters from small children. Do you dispute the theory of gravity too?

Dear Sammy Science: Some of us are called to the Lord’s Word and need no book learning but the Holy Bible! – Reverend Ray Bob

Dear Reverend Ray Bob: Are you two clowns working together? As far as your status as Reverends, just be glad for your children’s sake that there are no self-appointed doctors.

Dear Sammy Science: We home-school and home-doctor our children! – The Reverends Ray Bob and Bobby Ray

Dear Double Reverends: Then Darwin is correct and natural selection should weed out you and yours in only a few generations. Natural selection does not look kindly on nature’s misfits.

Dear Sammy Science: Now you’re calling good Christians misfits! We’re not filthy Jews or Muslims or no towel head Hindoos, neither! What kind of American are you? – The Double Reverends

Dear Double Reverends: Hindoos? Wow. You people are crazy on so many levels it’s hard to know where to begin. I’m guessing (hoping, really) that your respective congregations are very small. As far as the Bible goes, what about the love, peace and tolerance parts, sort of the whole idea of the thing? As far as being an American, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Who are you two clods to say that shit? You punks are small time hustlers cashing in on other people’s faith, the same kind of power-mad racist assholes that Jesus Christ spent his life resisting.

Dear Sammy Science: Now you’ve done it! We command all God Fearing Loyal Christian Americans to hunt you down and make you repent! – The Double Reverends

Dear Double Reverends: Have I just had a Fatwah issued against me? Bring it on, Goobers!

Dear Sammy Science: A Fat what? Being fat is going to be the least of your worries when you answer for your blasphemy, spawn of the devil! – The Double Reverends

Dear Double Reverends: I want to thank you both, Reverend Ray Bob and Reverent Bobby Ray, for doing so much to advance the cause of science and to underscore the dangers of mixing religion with proven fact. You see, Reverends, science is what can be proven, and I believe you two have given the world of science some concrete evidence of unfit natural specimens on the fast track to extinction. Mind if we ear-tag you two, maybe fit you with a radio collar? You’ll being doing science a favor to let us track you on your way to Dodo Bird Land.

While Darwinism has not been definitively proven to every human being, it has been accepted by enough of them and by the right people. The Magic Man In The Sky Theory, on the other hand, cannot be proven or even tested, and so does not qualify for being called a branch of science,¬† and won’t be taught in the science classrooms and laboratories of America anytime soon. You have the option to preach what you want since no religion is banned here, you just cannot preach it in the halls of government, and our public schools are government buildings bound by the laws of the land. In private forums, however, the sky’s the limit for your fantasies and racist rages, so knock yourselves out.

Just don’t get upset when no one takes you all that seriously or confuses you with the second coming of Christ. The rest of us are allowed to poke fun at you and can be just as skeptical of your hypocrisy and self-serving misinterpretation of scripture as you are of proven fact. When you are gone, we’ll make a nice diorama if you in our museums, depicting Creationists in their natural habitat, right next to the Neanderthal and Cro Magnon Man displays. Meanwhile, the marriage of human knowledge and curiosity that is science will miss you, but not all that much. Maybe social scientists will mourn your passing, but then again, maybe not. It’s sort of like having a stone in your show. You miss it when it is removed, but not for very long, and then you are relieved.

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