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Politics

TIME FOR A NEW CONTRACT WITH AMERICA, NEUTER?

Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes of political disgrace, former Speaker of The House of Representatives, Neuter “Neut” Limpdich returns to the high profile life. He holds no office and probably couldn’t get himself elected as Dog Catcher anywhere in America right now, but to the feeble minds of the disgraced conservative right wing, the man is a Messiah come to deliver them from the purgatory of Cable Talk Show Irrelevance. With an able assist from the  hilarious comedy trio, “The House Massahs,” Bull O’Really, Glen Bucks and Flush Limburger, Neut Limpdich is doing his best to pretend that the personal failings that betrayed actions and intentions the exact opposite of his stated policies are soon forgotten. It’s an uphill climb, to be sure, but there’s no shortage of unprincipled morons around to assist him.

Which is good news. Not for the conservatives, of course, but for a progressive movement led by a suddenly hesitant president that is faltering as a time when they should be enjoying their triumph and passing a bunch of enlightened legislation. All they need do to regain their lost momentum is to scan the field of their opposition and rejoice that there are no serious people within their ranks. The “mass-exodus” of 2 or 3 Democratic Senators and the election of a male stripper to Ted Kennedy’s old Senate seat are not cause for panic, no matter what “The House Massahs” say. If they had an idea between the three of them we’d know about it by now, but that hasn’t been the case.

The last idea Mr. Limpdich had was back in the 1990’s when he saw an opening to make an issue of President Clinton’s penis. Major troubles with his own penis, however, undid the man, and the most memorable of his deeds was informing his trophy wife who was sick with cancer in the hospital that he had found a new, cancer-free trophy wife, with a better brand of Christian religion to  boot (he generally changes religions with each new wife). Before that it was his Contract With America, a portfolio of legislation designed to undermine anything President Clinton was trying to do. Somehow Clinton (and his penis) managed to preside over 8 years of peace and prosperity in spite of Limpdich and left the nation with a huge budget surplus. At any rate, Neuter Limpdich was last seen in 1998 resigning from Congress in disgrace, the heavy door of Ethics Violations hitting him squarely in the ass on his way out.

No one missed him.

Fast forward a dozen years and here he is defying the axiom that there are no second acts in American lives. He has positioned himself as the new conscience of the right wing, outmaneuvering the two dim bulb pretenders, Sarah Bailin and Flush Limburger. The only drawback, at least for right wingers, is that having Neut Limpdich as your conscience is like having Popeye guarding the spinach garden. Sort of goes against the grain of what is trying to be achieved. Having learned that the term “Contract with America” smacks of corporate infestation at a time in America when no one trusts corporations, Neut has backed off that term, and also the “Republican Revolution” designation, what with the unholy mess his fellow Republicans left for the rest of us to fix.

None of which will deter the man from seeking the presidency in 2012, or suicidal right wing lemmings from following him off that cliff. Which should be taken as grand news for Democrats and progressives everywhere. With any luck he’ll pick another Sarah Bailin as a running mate, maybe even the naked pin-up guy from Massachusetts, thus ensuring the conservatives 4 more years of whining from the altars of Cable TV “situation rooms,” the closest thing to power they will see until they come to their senses and recruit some smart people who have at least some semblance of integrity and personal ethics, and maybe even a viable idea or two. Luckily for the president and his fellow progressives, that’s not in the cards as long as people like Neut Limpdich are calling the shots for the opposition. They would do well to ignore the ranting fools and get on with their agenda before the right wing smartens up.

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