Well, the New Year isn’t new anymore, Life’s Rich Pageant is marching earnestly along, and news of great and small portent flows like lava from an angry volcano, showering all of us and demanding our attention. Well, so what? That, my friends, is the essence of Not Caring: so friggin’ what? There’s all sorts of new and exciting developments to not care about, a veritable Cornucopia of Callousness to stir our deep-seted apathy. These are exciting times to be alive and ambivalent, indeed. Let’s just scrape the tip of the Iceberg of Idiocy, if you will, and review the contenders for The Rat’s Ass Awards:

The Winter Olympics: Always a reliable finalist for a Rat’s Ass Award, as in “who gives a,” these Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada are especially uninteresting since they are being held in, well, Canada, aka The Country That Wasn’t There. Now that they are almost over, can anyone remember who won what in any category? Of course not! And why would anyone care? What usually takes days to forget now happens instantly. But we will remember the pretty blonde woman curler who cried. Crying? There’s no crying in curling! It’s the  unavoidable Canada (non) Factor, and the usual Rat’s Ass Award in the Bad Cabin Fever Category to The Winter Olympics.

American Idle: Who is Simon Cowell and what’s the big deal with him going away? When you don’t know or care about some super wealthy guy who seems to be famous (you’re not quite sure) for being nasty, you just sort of shrug it off. Since actually finding out anything about the guy would entail watching some episodes of America Idle, it’s best just cut to the chase and maintain your ignorance. A Rat’s Ass to Mr. Cowell in the Go-ahead-and-let-the-door-hit-you-in the-ass-on-the-way-out Category. You’re a bazillionaire. Who cares?

Tiger Woods’ penis: Not since President Clinton was running the country with a huge smile on his face have we been accosted with 8 pages of details about the adventures of a famous penis in mainstream newspapers. As far as Mr. Woods’ character is concerned, why would anyone be surprised (or even mildly interested) that he cheated on his wife when his whole life was a fraud? You see, the only reason that he was the best golfer ever is because he was an athlete! In all of recorded history, there have never been any athletes involved in professional golf, so it stands to reason that even a mildly talented athlete would beat the pants off the assortment of fat guys and scrawny geeks that are professional golfers. That’s like letting LeBron James compete in the Special Olympics. Of course he’s going to win all the prizes and make everyone else cry! So Tiger Woods’ penis gets a Rat’s Ass Award in the Boring Fraud Category.

Mark McGwire: Does anybody anywhere think that Mark McGwire did not pump himself full of steroids in order to hit 70 home runs one year? No, no there is not. All anyone had to see is him embracing the entire family of Roger Maris like Paul Bunyan scooping up a bunch of puppies to realize that this guy was one temper tantrum short of becoming the Incredible Hulk and wrecking a significant portion of St. Louis. Beside, Mr. McGwire got his comeuppance just 3 years later when his home run record was broken by another Incredible Growing Steroid Man, Barry Bonds. Now Mark McGwire returns to baseball as the batting instructor for the St. Louis Cardinals and we’re supposed to be interested in this personality-free Uberjock? And the Rat’s Ass goes to…

Guns in National Parks: There’s a big hoopla going on about people carrying guns in National Parks. Should they or shouldn’t they? Is it ethical or a danger to children? Well, there have been people with guns in National Parks forever. They’re called Park Rangers and every so often they have to shoot a bear or a wolf who’s eyeing someone’s chubby baby as a potential meal, so maybe it’s not such a bad idea for people dim enough to bring small children in close proximity to vicious predators to be heavily armed. Its not the kids’ fault their parents are so friggin’ stupid. But then again, what are the odds of these kids growing up to be any smarter than their peculiar progenitors? Further, what are the odds that their goofball parents will be any more skillful with a rifle than they are with the lives of their children, especially when drinking a lot, which seems to be an integral part of the Nature Experience for so many of us loyal citizens? Probably quite small on both counts. This is an especially rewarding problem to not care about due to its complexity and the existential questions about the thinning of the herd it does not raise in our jaded and apathetic minds. Hopefully, it won’t take too many “hunting accidents” to convince the authorities to reevaluate that whole Armed Drunken Tourist notion before sensible people start getting slain along with the dim. What the hell, let’s just have done with it and give The Big Rat’s Ass in the Scary-Morons-With-Rifles Category to those park patrons who come loaded for bear, in more ways than one! So What?

Lifetime Achievement Rat’s Ass Award: For consistently maintaining low standards, demanding attention for pedestrian concerns and dubious achievements, the Rat’s Ass For Lifetime Achievement goes to… Donald Trump, world class bore and serial trophy wife collector!  We salute The Donald for never ever saying anything interesting or displaying the slightest interest in anything that does not revolve completely around Donald Trump. Poorly done! Unbrilliant! How very sad! Go away! Forgettable! Pathetic! How trifling…

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