In our ongoing quest to affect a more civil society, bobcrespo.com has been a leader in publishing our continually updated MODERN RULES FOR GENTLEMEN, with such timeless nuggets as “a gentleman always takes the wet spot” and “a gentleman refrains from appearing on reality shows.” In the interest of fairness, we now bring you MODERN RULES FOR LADIES, a handy guide to the difficult task of being a lady in these strident and contentious modern times. These upgraded rules for decorous behavior are essential as the role of women in society grows and evolves in what we ambitiously like to call this Modern Era. Consider these:
A lady never contacts the wife of her lover for any reason.
When chugging whisky from the bottle, a lady always wipes the rim with her sleeve before passing it on.
No one can call herself a lady who appears on an episode of “COPS” as anything other than one of the cops.
When engaged in pole dancing, a lady never shows her utter contempt for the slobbering losers shoving beer-soaked money in her G-string.
A lady makes sure her man doesn’t clutter up the yard in front of their double-wide trailer with more than 2 rusting pickup trucks. A creative lady turns them into attractive planters.
When a lady schoolteacher is giving “private lessons” to a high school boy, she takes pains to wipe the huge grin off her face afterwards.
A lady never takes a pool boy as her lover when the house she shares with her husband has no swimming pool. Explaining his presence in the household would be quite problematic.
A lady makes sure her Sugar Daddy pays a hefty price for his gifts of jewelry to her and always acts dissatisfied that he didn’t spend more. This will keep the old gentleman on his toes, and he will not fail to spend more next time.
When plotting to steal one’s wealthy boss from his wife, a lady does so in a subtle manner in order to make it appear that it was all his idea.
When a lady’s famous husband is caught cheating, it is not necessary to stand by his side silently and supportively at the press conference where he tries to explain away his preference for transvestite albino dwarves. “Stand by your man” only goes so far, and a lady is no one’s doormat.
When one too many plastic surgeries make a lady look like the inflatable love doll from Hell, she refrains from frequenting playgrounds.
When losing an argument with one’s gentleman, a lady always brings up his past misdeeds, especially those of many years ago, and acts as if freshly wounded. The judicious use of tears will also help a lady prevail, no matter how weak her argument or silly her request.
A lady always exhibits impeccable taste in choosing a firearm to eliminate tedious husbands and troublesome lovers, and is ever mindful of the advances in forensics.
Similarly, a lady makes sure that her husband’s life is well-insured.
A lady always remembers that her own money is hers, while her husband’s or gentlenman friend’s earnings are always “ours.”
A middle aged lady is very careful not to publicly exhibit her hatred of beautiful young ladies.
When employed as a crack whore, a lady never brings her clients home.
A lady makes it her business to know the difference between cheap knockoffs and genuine designer goods, and lets her gentleman know that she knows.
A lady always provides a happy ending.