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General Interest, Politics

DOPOTO REPORTS: WAR IS THE OPPOSITE OF PEACE

The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO) is, like any other giant bureaucracy, shaking off the cobwebs of our holiday break and attempting to get back to serious business. Our only business here at DOPOTO is to continually point out what is as plain as day, and so we enter the New Year eager to pick up where we left off in 2009, which was basically reassuring the public that their senses are not fooling them and if something looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s time to break out the Bearnaise sauce. As usual after a New Year, only the calendar has changed, not people or events.

When you read about generals and troops and escalations in this war or that war, military commanders, as they so often do, explain that reinforcements are being sent “to ensure a lasting peace,” it’s helpful to stop and wonder how 30,000 more people armed with automatic weapons will make a country more peaceful. Senior Analysts here at The Department have concluded that soldiers are employed for but one function, making war, and that war is the direct opposite of peace. Our studies have also confirmed that military generals have no vested interest in making peace, either the lasting or the temporary kind. That sort of thing pretty much puts these people out of work, and human beings like to keep busy, no matter what their chosen occupation.

Calling an army a “peace keeping force” is no more accurate than calling termites “home remodeling specialists.” Hearing military leaders talk about peace is like hearing a madame campaign against vice; there is something that doesn’t sound quite sincere. While military organizations are vital to a nation’s defense, they are not exactly received as diplomats when landing on foreign shores with all their equipment.

They are not there to negotiate with anybody, and they’re not exactly what anyone would call a campfire and Kumbaya outfit. Not one soldier in a thousand speaks the local language or cares all that much about the native culture. Those guns are loaded. Their owners are highly trained, dedicated, extremely motivated and very good at what they do. What they do, however, has nothing to do with peace. Nobody sends in The Marines to wage peace.

LIke so many things in public life, and military officers are very public figures, what is being said is the opposite of what is occurring. Take Congress for example, whose members have mastered the art of speaking in riddles. Many years ago they changed the name of The War Department to The Defense Department, even though America has never had to defend itself from foreign attack since then, but has made war on others a number of times. DOPOTO theorists posit that American politicians and generals are mostly football fans, thus explaining their adherence to that old bit of football wisdom: “The best defense is annihilating the enemy right off the bat and disbanding their army.”

That could be one explanation for the puzzling strategies in both Iraq and Afghanistan of winning the war convincingly in a matter of weeks, toppling the government, and then sticking around for years and years after such stunning victories, in effect insuring that partisan militia’s will form. Research indicates that no one but prostitutes and black marketeers likes an army of occupation, and sooner rather than later there will be hostilities. Department archives reveal that that in almost every recorded instance throughout the ages of kings, presidents and generals speaking of “a lasting peace,” the forecast is always more war.

And of course in modern times here in America, Congressional leaders weigh in on all this. They are the ones who have to vote to provide the funds for these wars, an so far, these “peace initiatives” are well funded. Some traditionalists dust off the old reliable “Peace With Honor” mantra, which was coined in the dim mists of history by the first nation to realize they were fighting an unwinnable war. When peace is the actual plan, that is when you send in The Diplomats, not The Marines. So in conclusion, to be brief, clear and (our specialty!) obvious; war is the opposite of peace.

This was a report from The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious

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