Well, readers, since my last outing in this space, when I completely claimed my whole page from the boss, who had been writing the introductions to your letters, things have been going swimmingly here at bobcrespo.com. I showed Mr. Bossman himself, Bob Crespo, one of the talents I used to keep my late husband Frank a happy camper, and now you can’t wipe the shiteating grin off his face whenever I drop by the office. So girls, do yourself a favor and learn to kneel to conquer, if you get my drift, and don’t let anyone tell you that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Please! Now, before I deal with whatever misfits decided to write to me this week, let me remind you to send some money to Haiti to help some good people who are in desperate need. The rescue operation may be over, but the need for help is still huge, so open your hearts and wallets and do some good.
Dear Dot Kahm: I’m a 50 year-old housewife and I’m tired and cranky all the time. My husband doesn’t pay any attention to me anymore and my children rarely call or visit. My cleaning ladies keep quitting too. What should I do? – Bitter in The Bronx
Dear Bitter: Well, Hon, it sounds unanimous, you’re a huge pain in the ass. When even your kids can’t stand you and poor women who desperately need the job won’t work for you, it doesn’t take an Einstein to do the math here. Who can blame your family for ignoring your annoying ass? Ever try being nice to anybody? Feeling grateful for your privileged life, maybe? Or finding something to do all day long? Here’s a clue: it’s not the whole damned world that’s wrong, it’s you.
Dear Dot Kahm: Who gives you advice? – Wondering in Washington
Dear Wondering: Too many people. The better question is: Who’s do I take?
Dear Dot Kahm: My boyfriend is a real smart guy who tells me all sorts of things, not all of which I understand. He says that’s okay, since if I listen him and do everything he says, I’ll be perfect. He says he knows how I should dress, how I should behave and what I should think. Dot, he’s a nice guy and all, but I don’t feel comfortable doing and thinking things just on his say-so. Am I being obstinate, like he tells me? – Peggy in Peoria
Dear Peggy in Peoria: Sounds like you’ve gotten yourself involved with a classic control freak, kiddo, and they can never be pleased, ever. Guess again about the “real smart” part, too, and tell him to go somewhere else and create perfect women. I can see you’ve got the beginnings of a mind of your own. Continue along those lines and stay away from know-it-all jerks who think they have all the answers. I know I sure don’t, but I can smell this guy’s line of bullshit a mile away.
Dear Dot Kahm: My wife Lizzie likes to wear sexy clothing, and she’s a real knockout. Sounds like a dream come true, right? My problem, however, is this: a lot of men are always checking her out, like she’s available and even though she’s not a flirt, I get uncomfortable with the attention she gets. Am I being unreasonable? – Lizzie’s Man
Dear Lizzie’s so-called Man: First off, I congratulate you for your honesty. Second, let me just tell you to get the stick out of your butt and let Lizzie dress in a way that makes her feel feminine and desirable. You could have a wife that no other man wants to look at. Is that what you’d like? Or do you want a sexy knockout who likes to celebrate her sexuality and look good for you? It’s either one way or the other, so the answer is yes, as in yes you are being unreasonable, you insecure wimp!
Dear Dot Kahm: I am an avid member of the animal rights group PETA. Will you tell your readers how very important our work is?
Dear Loretta: Sure hon, just as soon as every last human being on the planet is fine, then maybe we can worry about your little cause. Meanwhile, 36,000 people just starved to death today, and 36,000 more will join them tomorrow. Are you aware that Haiti is in a shambles, grinding poverty and illiteracy is widespread, malaria and other curable disease are ravaging Third World nations and more than 6 million people die every year from unsanitary water supply-related diseases? Ask someone else to worry about ferrets and poodles. I’ll worry about people if you don’t mind. And don’t let me catch any of you antisocial misfits eyeballing my mink coat with your little cans of red spray paint or you’ll be needing surgery to remove my high heel from your rear end.