While we are in the business of commanding the tides with all the efforts to combat global warming, we might as well order the earth to stop sliding her damned tectonic plates around too. Where do you think all those devastating earthquakes and tsunamis come from? It seems that the earth can’t make up its mind about what its surface is supposed to look like and keeps sliding the continents this way and that, causing the tectonic plates that make up the planet’s outer crust to crash together, with devastating results.

Scientists inform us that Africa has been steadily getting closer to Europe by around an inch every few years, and that someday it will arrive on the Riviera and squeeze the Mediterranean Sea out of the Straits of Gibraltar, ruining the perfectly good beaches of southern Europe where naked women romp in the sand and replacing it with more sand than they need for naked beach volleyball, the friggin’ Sahara desert! No one wants that, especially since the people who live in the Sahara like to wrap their women head-to-toe in formless sacks. This is a real crisis, people!

Not only that, but tectonic plate scientists say that eventually every continent will crash together to form one giant land mass, which they call Pangea, with the rest of the planet being one gigantic ocean. Imagine all the various peoples of this world living cheek by jowl with no oceans separating us? Think of all the extra border guards and barbed wire fencing we will need with no natural water boundaries to keep out undesirables! While these slow motion collisions will throw up huge new mountain chains that will help define the different regions, with one big continent, there will be a hell of a lot of land-locked countries, literally thousands of miles from the ocean. If California people find themselves in that predicament, what will they do with all those surfboards? Hawaiians too, who might take it awful hard going from living on an island paradise to a landlocked, dusty oasis bordering the Australian Outback. Bummer.

Screw all this global warming crap, what we need to do is focus on keeping the map of the world intact. While this may serve business interests by lowering the shipping costs of shoddy merchandise from China to Walmart, do we really want to have only a single continent? Without oceans to separate us, people will mingle, and when people mingle they usually wind up screwing, so before we know it there will only be one type of human. How boring would that be? No Swedes, no Africans, no Asians, no Arabs, no Native Americans, no Polynesians and no Caucasians, only a bunch of beige people vaguely resembling Tiger Woods. No, thanks.

How the hell would we know who to hate and mistrust if we all look the same?  More importantly, who would be the exotic women that men could lust after? And we’d probably all wind up preferring the same food, which would really suck, eliminating the exciting Asian and Mexican food options. While Italian food is the best in the world, will Italy be able to maintain its identity if it is stuck somewhere in the middle of the world, nowhere near the source of scungilli, calamari or shrimp scampi? These are questions that affect every human being, unlike that whole global warming deal that has the Russians and Scandinavians looking forward to a little balmy weather for a change

Speaking of change and Italy, who the hell would want to visit Venice without the canals and singing gondoliers? When North America crashes into Western Europe, who will the Statue of Liberty welcome? New York Harbor will be New York Lake at that point. Worse yet, New Jersey could get scrunched up against Manhattan, really screwing up the greatest city in earth. All our bridges and tunnels to New Jersey will be useless, and the mighty  Hudson River will protect us no longer.

What’s truly outrageous about Continental Drift is that Canada could wind up being very important, and everyone knows that Canadians are very uncomfortable even being noticed, never mind crucial! Japan, a place that identifies with being an island nation, will be a narrow valley somewhere between Korea and Oregon, and the sun will rise elsewhere, making their motto “The Land of The Rising Sun” seem pretty silly. And forget about any future Olympic games in Japan, which will suddenly be some land-locked little formerly exotic nation within walking distance of Seattle, that most boring of cities.

This is a true crisis of epic global proportions. If we do nothing, we risk having North Koreans as our next-door neighbors, eagerly eating our poodles, or “wokking the dog,” as they like to call it. The people in Copenhagen missed the boat here big time. We need to cool the earth so it stops shifting its tectonic plates and crunching our land masses into one big continent. After that, we can address the moon’s attempted escape from earth’s orbit, moving an inch further away from us every year. We cannot allow that, either, or what will the wolves and coyotes howl at? As long as we’re commanding the tides, we might as well think big. No Pangea! We’re in charge around here, right? Right???

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