Last week published the obligatory “predictions for 2010,” the usual bag of hot air for forums of this sort. We are well aware of what a crap shoot (and a load of crap) that is, and almost none of the predictions will come to pass, which is about the same track record as everyone else has when it comes to fortune telling. So, today we go with a bunch of predictions that have a 100% chance of being true, since they already happened. Whatever the slim odds of something occurring are beforehand, well, once it happens, those figure go right out the window.

For example, in 2008, the odds that all the world’s largest banks, mortgage lenders and insurance companies would engage in criminal acts that nearly bankrupted  the whole world’s economies were 100%, a sure thing, while in 2007 that same prediction would be a million-to-one shot. See, that’s the beauty of predicting the past, you can hit the bullseye every time! They’ll be calling us Nostradamus Junior soon. So, being that the year is almost over, here is’s 20 SURE SHOT PREDICTIONS FOR 2009:

1. Michael Jackson will die unexpectedly while preparing for a big comeback. There, that was easy, no?

2. The lousy economic situation left over from 2008 will continue to suck, the serious recession deepening with near-record home foreclosures and high unemployment. On the plus side, the super-wealthy bankers will begin collecting huge bonuses from other people’s money again.

3. Barack Obama, the first black President of the United States, will take office, making history and world headlines. We’re on a roll now!

4. The second most famous half-black man in the world, Tiger Woods, will make world headlines by having 14 girlfriends that look exactly like his wife, displaying the tenacious consistency that made him the best golfer in the world, which, truth be told, is the less impressive accomplishment. Hell, even fat guys can be great golfers, but few people can have 15 identical women.

5. In several desperate efforts to remain relevant, the disgraced right wingers in America will ensure their continued downward spiral by dusting off Shotgun Dick Cheney to do a media tour saying the most hateful things imaginable, Glen Beck will be promoted as the Second Coming of Rush Limbaugh and The Republican Party will unveil Michael Steele as their official House Nigger.

6. Senator Ted Kennedy will die of brain cancer, which will turn out to be a blessing for him since he won’t have to witness his fellow Senators flush his life’s work down the crapper by turning the Health Care Reform Bill into an endorsement for The Way Things Already Are, reforming nothing while earnestly lining their own pockets with hefty bribes.

7. We’re going out on a limb here and predicting a story for nearly the very end of 2009, when we predict there will be a huge blizzard over the entire Northeast United States a week before Christmas. Which is not the big story here since, what the hell, it will be December and these things happen. The big story will be that television weather reporters will continue to be surprised when it snows in the winter in places where it frequently snows in the winter. This will once again bring high praise for TV stations for hiring the mentally handicapped as weather reporters.

8. In entertainment news, men will find out from their wives and girlfriends that Oprah Winfrey announced that she will quit her television show, which will come as a big surprise to them since they were only vaguely aware of the Oprah Winfrey Show and weren’t certain if it was still on the air or not.

9. The President of The United States will both escalate the war in Afghanistan and win the Nobel Peace Prize. That sounds like a pretty insane prediction, but we guarantee it will come true! What can you expect from a Peace Prize named after the the guy who invented dynamite? If not for their beautiful blonde women, no one would pay any mind to Sweden or their whacky prizes.

10. Rod Blagojevich will be impeached as the Governor of Illinois for trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat, the first of 2 State Governors to get in trouble in 2009. The other guy will be Mark Sanford, who will at least get famous in the time-honored Disgraced Governor Tradition, a good old All-American Sex Scandal. Fittingly, Sanford will keep his job while Blagojevich will be impeached. If only Blagojevich tried to trade the Senate seat for some pussy instead of money, he’d still be running things in Illinois.

11. Bernie Madoff, age 70 and the poster boy for Guys Who Are Already Super Rich But Steal Anyway, will be sentenced to 150 years in prison. In a related story, most of America’s veteran bank robbers and stickup artists will weigh the $150 billion he stole against his advanced age, and agree it was well worth it, figuring old age is no picnic no matter where you spend it, in a penthouse or the Big House, and he got away with it his whole life.

12. A relatively mild strain of the fu will spread, just like every year, but this one will cause worldwide panic and be named after pigs; Swine Flu. Scientists will call it a pandemic and it will kill 10,000 people worldwide in 2009, about as many as will die of starvation every 6 hours and 20 minutes, which will cause no one to lose a minute’s sleep.

13. Nerds all over the world will rejoice when another dumb ass Harrry Potter movie is released.

14. Not to be outdone by movie nerds, political nerds will bring Sarah Palin back out of obscurity after she quits her job as Governor of Alaska because it’s boring. Ms. Palin will then release an “autobiography” written by someone with an actual command of the English language and take up where she left off in 2008, saying incredibly stupid things to audiences of incredibly stupid people. This will somehow pass as news.

15. will be declared The World’s Second Best Website for the second year in a row, by Bob Crespo.

16.Nobody will capture Osama bin Laden but several more of his “#2 men” will be slain by robot predator aircraft, making the job of being # 2 man in al Qaeda the Worst Job Ever according to high school guidance counselors.

17. Making official what has been happening for decades, 2 out of the Big 3 American auto makers will file for Bankruptcy, claiming that they were victims of unfair business practices because foreign auto makers manufactured better cars and sold them for reasonable prices. The United States government lends them billions of dollars anyway.

18. There will be a Global Warming Conference in the freezing cold city of Copenhagen, Denmark, where representatives of every nation on Earth will command the planet not to warm up by more than 3 degrees. Planet Earth will issues a terse ” no comment,” several volcanic eruptions and a couple of giant blizzards.

19. We’re going to go out on a limb again here and provide the exact date and time of this prediction: On January 15th, 2009, at precisely 3:31 P.M., Eastern Standard Time, a jet plane carrying 158 people from New York’s LaGuardia airport will experience double engine failure due to sucking in a bunch of geese, but will not crash. Instead, it will be landed safely by her pilot, Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, in the Hudson River, a stone’s throw from Manhattan, with no loss of life and only several minor injuries. Sully will instantly become the most popular man in America.

20. For the 142nd straight year in Canada, nothing of any interest will occur. What doesn’t happen in Canada, stays in Canada, thank God.

And there you go, a list of predictions that will all come true. Ta-da! Don’t know why we didn’t think of this sooner. Maybe we’ll do 1976 soon. Meanwhile, have a Happy New Year and don’t make any ridiculous resolutions you’ll never keep. Here’s a good one: Visit every day and check out all the changes that will be added to the site in 2010. It is, after all, The World’s Second Best Website. That’s true, and you can look it up. On

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