Well, here we are closing out our first decade of the brand new millennium and staring down the barrel of 2010. So far the human race hasn’t exactly distinguished itself in the 2000’s, what with all the wars, genocide campaigns, indifference to human suffering and then having our wealthiest citizens almost bankrupting the entire world last year by attempting to steal the last bits of money they did not already possess.

Which pretty much confirmed our suspicions that most wealthy people really are rotten callous pricks, even though that’s small comfort when you’re freezing your ass off in a cardboard box because the bank threw you out of your house. So, as a public service, will provide a meaningless set of predictions for the coming year as a diversion to take our minds off disturbing reality. We also guarantee that our predictions will be every bit as accurate as every other dumbass list of predictions for the coming year. Here goes:

Some professional soccer team in America will hire a big European star to boost their team’s attendance. Soccer will remain the most boring and skill-free game in the world and American sports audiences will continue to ignore this silly sport.

The former Dictator of America, Shotgun Dick Cheney, will have his last original body part replaced, and then start adding new things that people never had before, like a tail, an aluminum tortoise shell and antlers, figuring what the hell, he’s not making any new friends anyway, might as well just go off the deep end and really freak people out.

Shotgun Dick’s former assistant, Bush the Younger, will open his Presidential Library in Crawford, Texas. In a unique twist, his library will have no “boring presidentin’ papers” in it, only his favorite books. Both of them.

For a real no-brainer prediction, rumors that Michael Jackson faked his own death will circulate widely. Tales of a missing nose collection at Neverland Ranch will fuel the speculation.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average will continue to go up and down, making no difference at all in most people’s lives.

The generals in charge of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq will tell Congress that they can make those nations stable democracies if only they had another 50,000 guys carrying automatic weapons shooting up the place.

The swine flu, having killed 20,000 people worldwide over the course of a year, will be declared a disaster. Starvation, which kills 20,000 people every 13 hours and 20 minutes, will continue to be ignored.

Some more young American Muslim lunkheads will be caught in Pakistan or Afghanistan trying to join some jihad gang or another when a member of the gang turns the spoiled little dicks in for a reward of 20 goats and a pair of Ping Pong paddles. The gang member will immediately become the richest guy in his village and retire to a life of leisure and Ping Pong.

Tiger Woods will win every golf tournament he plays and lose every court case his wife brings against him.

Reality Television will start its own awards show, The Dummies. Categories will include Biggest Selfish Asshole, Best New Selfish Asshole and Lifetime Achievement, Selfish Asshole. And that’s it.

Hundreds of suicide bombs will go off in a bunch of Muslim nations, killing a whole lot of innocent bystanders (piece of cake, that one).

American car manufacturers will finally wake up and begin recruiting the salesmen who convince young men in the prime of their lives into blowing themselves up they can go to heaven and get to deflower 72 virgins. These mullah/sales managers will recapture the market share lost to Toyota and Detroit will become a boom town again.

Several Senators and members of the House of Representatives will be caught up in sexual and financial scandals, resulting in no resignations.

In an attempt to revisit past glories, the European Economic Union will announce that is is sick of being out of the loop when it comes to senseless warfare with close neighbors and declare that it’s okay for the Balkan States to invade one another at random again, hoping to trigger a wider war.

Hugo Chavez will annoy world leaders.

Fox News commentators will continue to declare that President Obama represents the decline of America.

Sarah Palin will finally get around to reading her book, and be surprised that even she doesn’t know what her husband Todd does for a living.

Iran will threaten to hang the last three tourists to visit there. It will final dawn on the rest of the world how very unimportant a nation it is.

• Bret Favre will retire and un-retire from football several more times, getting headlines every time.

• John McCain will retire from the Senate and no one will notice

• Instead of prohibitively expensive computer-generated animation, Hollywood films will feature Gumby-style claymation in their action blockbusters.

Canada will not be heard from at all and a rescue team will be sent in, only to find that everything is just fine and that Canada simply had nothing to say.

• will be widely considered the World’s Second Best Website.

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