Yes, that’s right, it’s that time of year. Christmas is over, you got a little fatter, abused your liver a little more and you’re broke again. Same shit, different year. So now it’s time to make some New Year’s resolutions on the off-chance that you’re not going to fuck next year up like you did this one, and a whole bunch of other ones too. Just be glad it’s not a leap year with that extra day to screw the pooch. Trouble is, at this point you know yourself, and you figure that making resolutions is just one more way to let yourself down and feel like shit. You know damned well you’re not going to control your cholesterol, or cut down on your drinking or be a regular at some fool gymnasium.
As a matter of fact, you’re long past the point of even purchasing a gym membership to impress yourself or others, and the only six pack you’re looking forward to is not located on your abdomen. Underneath it is more like it. But still, you haven’t totally given up on yourself and you’re not a complete wreck just yet, and it is traditional to make New year’s resolutions. So you aim a little lower than attaining financial independence, the heart rate of a 20 year-old and singlehandedly bringing about world peace. You’re looking for a few things that are at least doable for someone as fun loving and with as little will power as yourself. Try some of these:
Tell more lies: This one’s a snap. Lie about your weight, your age, how much you drink, or smoke, or whatever it is people break your balls about. Why not? It’s not like they give a rat’s ass about you anyway, they just get on your case to be cruel and to feel better about their own miserable selves by acting superior to someone. Let them find another patsy this year.
Swear off Japanese models: It’s not exactly like you’re swimming in exotic Asian babes anyway, so make it a resolution that you’re not going to get romantically involved with some drop-dead gorgeous Japanese girl with a sexy accent and a captivating laugh. Piece of cake.
Give up sacrifice: This one’s perfect for Lent, too. Promise yourself you’re not going to make some self-righteous hollow declaration to prove you are better than others by depriving yourself of any of life’s little pleasures. Why be some showoff martyr?
Avoid pompous assholes: You already do this, so why not make it official and turn it into a virtue?
Promise that if a pompous asshole is on fire, you’ll piss on him: With this resolution, you can at least claim to be a humanitarian. Sort of.
Swear to be a better person: Between the horrible year you just had and your resolution to extinguish flaming assholes, this one should be low-hanging grapes.
Save some money: Okay, you know full well that you’re not going to score with every New Year’s resolution, but throw this one in for the hell of it. Just in case lightning strikes and you come into some money, try not to blow it all.
Lose weight swiftly: This can be attained in several ways besides tedious dieting and exercise. The only drawback is that week-long drug and sex binges with addict prostitutes sort of cancels out the “save some money” resolution, but you will lose weight in a hurry. Just use condoms if you don’t want to lose all your weight.
Be kinder to animals: In other words, don’t starve another dog to death when you’re on one of your week-long drug and sex binges. That’s always a chore explaining the smell to the neighbors.
Get a job: That might help in the old self-esteem department. How long can you rob liquor stores and 7-11s for a living anyway?
Get a new car: You need a new M.O. anyway. Switch from holdups to car theft. Far fewer car thieves than stickup artists get caught, and you can ride in style for a night or two before selling it to a reliable chop shop.
Be mindful of your parole officer: Another pressing reason to get a job. Those people can be pretty unreasonable.
Go to church more: A good place to meet women. Lonely, sexually repressed women with good jobs and apartments who will feel guilty for doing what you’re doing together and try to convince herself she can change you. That should take care of January, after which she’ll repent and toss your hoodlum ass out.
Visit different churches: Word gets out. What about February?
Be more charitable: Stop robbing the poor boxes at all those churches you’ve been visiting and automatically more money will go to charity.
Volunteer your time for a worthy cause: Charities, hospitals and soup kitchens are also great places to meet lonely women who want to save you.
Redecorate: A little plaster to fill the holes you punched in the walls when your church lady girlfriend dumped you is cheap and easy, and so is a can of Lysol to get rid of that dead dog smell. And new bed sheets for the windows wouldn’t hurt either, and are a lot cheaper than curtains.
Relocate: At some point in the New year, this might be the smarter move than redecorating, especially when you take into consideration the disgruntled girlfriends, the testy parole officer, the detectives closing in on you and the landlord bitching about the stink and all the holes in the walls. It’s in your best interests, really, and maybe you might consider not getting another dog anytime soon. You haven’t exactly been doing them any favors lately.
Try these simple and easy to keep New Year’s resolutions and you can feel like a decent human being again! Of course that will wear off swiftly, but that’s just the way it goes with New Year’s resolutions; here today, gone tomorrow. At least you haven’t promised yourself anything too dramatic, so your depression won’t be quite as deep as usual, with fewer holes in your new apartment walls.