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D.O.P.O.T.O., Humor

DOPOTO REPORTS: BANKERS, GUNS AND MONEY

The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO), in our continuing mission to go where everyone has gone before, has been perusing the news reports for kernels of truth and obvious conclusions. On Wall Street, banking executives whose corporations have repaid their federal bailout money are applying for gun permits in record numbers. It seems that this is the time of year when they traditionally collect tremendous bonuses, only this year they feel that the general public will strongly resent this practice. It seems that the deep recession the nation’s banks caused is only over for bankers, with the rest of the nation still in dire financial straits.

The bank executives rely on these multi-million dollar helpings of other people’s money in order to continue being proper bank executives, which in their eyes entails having mounds and mounds of money, enough to last several dozen lifetimes. While some say this is an unrealistic expectation in today’s terrible economy, the executives disagree. Hence the guns, so they can continue to flaunt their fabulous wealth in an increasing poor world of their making, perhaps a drop over-optimistically figuring they can get the drop on the more experienced desperadoes. On a related note, DOPOTO researchers have determined that in general, only two types of people carry guns; cops and robbers. The Department notes that bank executives are not cops.

Speaking of guns, it seems that President Obama is sending 30,000 more people who carry guns everywhere they go into Afghanistan. Those would be American soldiers, and they are on a dual mission; to kill Taliban rebels and to train a new Afghanistan Army. Afghanistan needs a new army because American soldiers destroyed their old one. Senior analysts at DOPOTO actually declared the war over when that happened, since one army annihilating another army is the dictionary definition of winning a war. When U.S. forces took the next step and dismantled the Afghani government, that was declared an even more decisive victory.

While we cannot be certain what the thinking is in Washington, it seems that America, in a new twist in the annals of warfare, refused to accept victory. And so 8 years later we remain in Afghanistan, training the replacements to the army we destroyed, in order to fight the insurgency movement our continued presence in their country has created. A decidely odd state of affairs, especially considering that we invaded Afghanistan only to kill or capture Osma bin Laden and his al Qaeda gang, who have since moved next door to Pakistan, leaving America with a destroyed Medieval nation on its hands, not really sure what to do with it.

Scientists point out that 99% of species that have ever lived have gone extinct, the obvious conclusion (our specialty) being that life is a difficult and precarious proposition on this planet. Our own species is the only species to know that, and so we hope that the old saying about being forewarned is being forearmed helps us avoid becoming just another footnote in the fossil record. And now some people are starting to give serious credence to the Mayan civilization’s prediction that the end of mankind and the world itself will come in the year 2012. Department researchers cannot help but point out that the Mayans came to an end a very long time ago, and if they were any good at predicting the future they would have foresaw the Spaniards, who ushered Maya into extinction in a big hurry.

End of Days scenarios are also popular with some born-again Christians, who are fond of recounting their version of that almost indecipherable and hallucinogenic book of the Bible, Revelations. Somehow they are looking forward to “The Rapture,” the trumpet-blaring gathering of saints, angels and Jesus after the world is completely destroyed in a battle with the Anti-Christ, seven-headed beasts and other highly imaginative horrors, none of which are actually mentioned specifically in the manual that supposedly contains all their religious beliefs, The Bible. It seems that the Bible leaves much to the imagination, and that is one area where human beings excel; making stuff up. Nothing like augmenting an already convoluted story with our own personal touches to really confuse people.

What DOPOTO analysts have concluded about this phenomenon is that simply, some people enjoy this sort of thing. While most people feel it is a bit silly, the general consensus is that it’s a harmless enough hobby, not really much different than bowling, stamp collecting or building model airplanes, and will have the same impact as these endeavors on how and when the world ends. None at all.

This was a report from the Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious

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