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Humor

TEN PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T CHANGE THE WORLD

There have been individuals throughout history that have singlehandedly changed the world. These people are not among their ranks:

PHAROAH PHARCICAL: One of the middle kings of the Egyptian Empire, Pharcical decided that his tomb would be different from all those pyramids built by his predecessors. He put thousands of people to work building the Wicker Palace, his final resting place. Archaeologists never got a look at that grand edifice since it burned down on the night of his funeral, making him the only Pharoah ever cremated.

EMPEROR MAGNIFICUS MINIMUS: One of the Roman Empire’s least remembered Emperors, Minimus decided that what Rome really needed was an air force. Unfortunately for him, planes hadn’t been invented yet and his experiments with hurling Roman soldiers wearing giant umbrella hats into the air with a catapult proved disastrous.

KUKLA KHAN: The last leader of the Mongol Empire, who’s full name was Kukla Khan Andollie, decided to invade Afghanistan and turn it into a mini-Mongolia. He spent twelve years chasing goat herders through the mountains before abandoning the place in disgust, only to find out that the Mongol Empire had collapsed in his absence.

SOPHISTRES: Probably the least influential Greek philosopher, Sophistres’ main theory centered around the power of deception, declaring that if a man truly believed an untruth, then it became a fact. He met his untimely end field-testing his theory by convincing himself that he was the toughest guy in the room. He wasn’t.

CHARLES THE MUNDANE: Very little is known about King Charles The Mundane of France, who was thought to have ruled sometime in the 1400’s, no one’s really quite sure. Apparently the guy was so nondescript that there are few records of his brief reign, and no amusing anecdotes survive him.

JUAN FORDAMONNI, EXPLORER: This Portuguese seafarer wanted to outdo his famous countryman Vasco da Gama, the man who sailed around the southern tip of Africa to India. Unfortunately for Juan Fordamonni, his only discoveries were Spain, which Portugal knew about, and the fact that he got really, really seasick.

SIR LANCEALITTLE OF CHUMPLEY: One of the earliest and least successful Crusaders, Sir Lancealittle led an army of English knights to invade the Holy Land, but his poor sense of direction saw his avenging army overshooting the mark by a couple of thousand miles, where they wound up attacking a Buddhist monastery in Tibet.

TITUS WORMWOOD, INVENTOR: Mr. Wormwood was a talented tinkerer and inventor in the late 1800’s who was just a little off the mark when it came to important innovations. His most famous idea was the double decker railroad car, figuring to double the passenger capacity. Unfortunately for Titus Wormwood, the maiden trip was through the Hoosac Railroad Tunnel in Massachusetts. It was quite the disaster.

TRAVIS T. “BULLDOG” JONES, INDIAN SCOUT: Bulldog Jones was something less than a legend of the Old West. Hired by General George Custer to scout the Badlands of The Dakota Territories for Sioux warriors, Travis T. Jones told the ill-fated General “There ain’t any Injuns around these here parts for a hundred miles, sir. I say set up camp over yonder on that hill,  I believe they call it the Little Big Horn.”

OPHELIA KIDNEY, PIONEERING NURSE: In Boston in 1924, Ophelia Kidney was the nurse who instituted the practice of asking  patients their mother’s maiden name and emergency contact information when they were bleeding and incoherent. There is no statue of her in Boston, or anywhere else.

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