Perusing the newspapers and internet news outlets, it seems the most earth shattering, stop-the-presses news story lately is Tiger Woods’ minor car accident outside the gated community where he has his giant mansion. Who cares? Its not like the guy’s a famous athlete or anything. All reports indicate the man is a golfer, for crying out loud, a game that even fat guys can master! So, the news-hungry public can be grateful for one more thing not to give a rat’s ass about. Well, there’s plenty of rewarding NOT CARING to be done lately. Here’s a look at other stories that seem to concern politicians and newsmakers no end but bore the crap out of the rest of us:

What will become of Afghanistan?: The nation that harbored the al Qaeda gang and gave them a base of operations to plan the 9/11 attacks? Not exactly a huge concern for most people, who realize that whenever America decides to finally abandon that intellectual and moral swamp that is dragging us down to their level, it will instantly revert to what it has always been: a loose confederation of bigoted, illiterate tribes that enjoys growing poppies for heroin, enslaving their women while the men romance teenage boys and playing polo with a goat’s head. Whoop-di-doo. And now that Osama bin Laden has moved across the street to Pakistan, there’s no reason in the world to waste another American life in this dusty outpost of the Bronze Age.

Will Lou Dobbs run for president?: Who gives a shit? The only ones happy to hear that are the Democrats, figuring to win the next election unanimously. The rest of us wonder why the Republicans keep throwing themselves under the bus with one lightweight ignoramus after another leading the charge into the death of the two party system. Palin, Limbaugh, Dobbs? Wow! What, they couldn’t get master speller Dan Quayle to come out of retirement? While it’s hard to pity a political party that’s basically a bunch of rich guys that have done a ton of damage to America in the past 30 years, you have to figure they’ve surrendered in the War on Drugs and have gone all Cheech and Chong on us. In a bizarre role-reversal, now it’s the aging hippies that wonder what the conservatives have been smoking and why they’re acting so goddamned weird. And they’ve got a point. You’ve got to be pretty damned high to think Lou Dobbs or Rush Limbaugh make any sense. Like our heads weren’t spinning enough already…

Will Dubai go broke?: Who? Where? How many rich guys in robes calling themselves princes live there? Isn’t that the Rhode Island-sized sandbox of a country that thought it would be a great idea not to waste their money on sustainable industries and education for their people but instead build mile-high towers and artificial islands made of (!) sand where they would build thousands of luxurious condominiums for wealthy Eurotrash whose lifestyle by definition violates every law in their country? Now there’s some sound planning for a nation’s future, eh? And the rest of the world is supposed to be concerned about these assholes? Looks like they’ve broken into the Republicans’ stash of powerful hallucinogens. There’s nothing that gets us flipping to the funny pages or the sports section quicker than (non)stories like this.

Should the 9/11 thugs be tried in New York?: Of course they should, Chester! That’s where they committed their crimes, something like 2,800 counts of murder. Oh, but some of us are afraid of reprisals? So fucking what? Some of us are afraid of mice too. Should we ban mousetraps so the other mice don’t take revenge on us? America has about as much chance of being conquered by mice as by al Qaeda, and only a jackass would volunteer to surrender our rights and freedoms because the mice might might get angry. You break the law, you get arrested, given a fair trial and get either acquitted or convicted. Period. There are no “special cases” when it comes to murder. Either you did it or you didn’t do it and a jury decides what’s what, not the Chicken Littles of this world, afraid of the sky falling when mice are caught in a trap. Try the 9/11 thugs in the city they attacked, and don’t elevate them to the status of anything other than vermin by abandoning the fair legal system that separates us from rodents. Put the trial on TV too, we’ve got noting to hide. Nothing these rodents can say will change anything, either what they did or how anyone feels about shit stains like them. Who cares who’s afraid of mice? They messed with this town, and this town should deal with them.

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