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Humor

THINGS WE DON’T NEED TO KNOW

Call this the “Too Much Information Age.” While the advent of the internet and the proliferation of personal computers have placed incredible amounts of information at our fingertips, not all information is created equal. Do we really need to know that most Panama hats are made in Ecuador? How much do we need to know about Sarah Palin’s daughter’s Baby Daddy, Levi “The Hockey Hunk” Johnson? Presumably the brain is like our computers, with only so many gigabytes of memory. The only problem with our brains, however, is the lack of a “delete” button. How much skull space are we filling with information about Michael Jackson’s detachable nose, never to be plunked into any trash bin? And so bobcrespo.com issues a warning to the reader here to log out immediately if you don’t want to know any of this:

The United States never lost a war in which mules were used. Is President Obama aware of this?

On a related note, more people worldwide are killed by donkeys than in airplane crashes. Perhaps a surge of donkeys and mules might be in order for the war in Afghanistan?

A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why. Well, that’s at least one burdensome piece of useless information you don’t have to know.

When licking a stamp you consume one-tenth of a calorie. That explains all the Holiday weight gain, no? Must be all those Christmas cards.

There is such a thing called The National Lightning Safety Institute. Sort of makes you glad someone’s on the ball with that.

There are no unknown facts about bananas, for which we can all be thankful.

Greenland, an icy wasteland, was so named by the exiled Leif Ericson to fool the rest of the Vikings into thinking that he had found a paradise.

The flush toilet was not actually invented by Thomas Crapper, but he did invent the floating ball cock in the toilet tank and did much to popularize the flush toilet with his company Thomas Crapper & Co. Ltd. The ads for his product proudly announced: “It’s a Crapper!” Well, no shit…

The bone mass of human beings is at its peak at around age 30. That explains a lot of the thick skulls on people who think they know what’s what just because they turn 30.

In early England the traditional Christmas dinner was the head of a pig. Most observers note that British cuisine has not progressed all that much.

The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal. And a lot of good it did.

A dork is actually the term for a whale’s penis. So calling someone a “big dork” is calling them a whale dick. Makes sense.

Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone. What else can you expect of people who used crocodile dung as a contraceptive? The stone pillows do help to explain those elongated heads, though.

In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs. Sort of brings the concept of “saving face” to a whole new level of paranoia when your bald dog is an abominable embarrassment to be avoided at all costs.

In 2002, Bill Gates was considered more idolized than Chairman Mao by Chinese teenagers, which makes sense when you consider that Bill Gates murdered nobody, approximately 20 million fewer than Mao did during his Cultural Revolution.

Antarctica contains as much ice as the Atlantic Ocean does water. If it ever melts, this knowledge will not prevent Ohio from becoming ocean-front property and Florida from becoming a scuba diver’s paradise.

“Old Ironsides,” the fabled U.S.S. Constitution built in 1797, carried 48,000 gallons of drinking water and 68,000 gallons of rum. That’s when the being in the navy was fun.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike than all the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. On the other hand, he does have an expensive gambling habit and jet-set lifestyle to support, while the Malaysian workers have only their mud and corrugated tin shanties filled with a half-dozen mouths to feed to worry about.

Goldfish have a memory span of three seconds, which comes in handy when your whole world is a gallon of water. Otherwise goldfish madness would be epidemic.

Rats cannot vomit. Good thing, too, with all their other nasty habits.

A large percentage of photocopy machine malfunctions are caused by people sitting on them to photocopy their butts. All in all, well worth the down time.

And finally, in case you think that the Information Age is a universal human experience, consider this: As recently as ten years ago, half the people on the planet had never made or received a phone call, never mind checked their e-mail or Googled a damned thing. That figure has undoubtedly shrunken, but that still leaves a couple of billion people out of this very old technology loop. Maybe that’s just nature’s way of having someone ready to take over when the rest of us have our brains filled up by all this useless data.

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