So, Chicago isn’t getting the 2016 Summer Olympics in spite of the most powerful black person on the planet going personally to Copenhagen to plead the case. She even had President and Mrs. Obama join her, but the International Olympic Committee turned down Oprah Winfrey and awarded the games to Brazil’s Rio de Janeiro. Just as well, too. Like New York City, Chicago doesn’t need the headache or the publicity. Neither does Rio, for that matter, but Brazilians seem to be pretty excited about it. And the people that enjoy attending the Olympics can’t help but be relieved after the drab and comically choreographed Beijing Games last year, when Communist Dynasty officials refused to let tourists see anything remotely interesting and attempted to censor the assembled world press corps, all the while trying to make the Olympics one long Chamber of Commerce infomercial.

At least Rio has the reputation of being a beautiful city filled with beautiful people who like to have a good time. Brazilians, outside of their national obsession with the sport of soccer, don’t seem all that caught up in their gold medal tallies. Hopefully that won’t change and their government doesn’t go all Soviet Union, America and Red China on their nation’s athletic programs and push them to produce the lion’s share of gold medals. What Brazil can do, however, is include a few sports that would give Brazil a little edge on the rest of the world while not driving their young athletes nuts. Maybe games like these:

Topless Sun Tanning Competition (Female): Rio de Janeiro is world famous for the beautiful bikini clad women adorning its white sand beaches wearing very little but their raven black hair and a thong, pretty much making them a lock for the gold, silver and bronze medals in this category. In order to include some element of athletics into the sun tanning competition for the sports purists they could have the beauties balancing Pina Coladas as they apply lotion to one another. Expect this one to break attendance records.

Blow Dart Triathlon: Forget about the run, jump and shoot-a-rifle races or the boring archery contests. Brazil can showcase its indigenous Amazon tribes by creating the run, hunt and blow dart triathlon where the athletes hunt a wild Brazilian Tapir barefoot in a rain forest setting. Let’s see how those Eastern European musclemen make out dodging poisonous snakes and wild panthers while trying to avoid getting gored by the enraged Tapir when their poison blow darts miss their mark. Advantage, Brazil.

Running The Rapids in Dugout Canoes: As a replacement for the skulling event, with its crews of Yale Men rowing down smooth waterways while singing the “The Whiffenpoof Song,” go Brazilian with dugout canoes hewn from fallen timber shooting the alligator and piranha-infested white water rapids. Another sport where the deep-Amazon tribes can dominate.

Foot Basketball: Take advantage of the almost universal soccer skills of Brazilians by changing the rules of basketball by prohibiting the use of hands. While this would make for some pretty low-scoring games, it would be darned entertaining watching LeBron James trying to kick the ball through the hoop and the odds are that the Brazilian team would finally dethrone the series of U.S. Dream Teams that have made Olympic basketball a lopsided bore.

Ball Kicking Sprints: Again, let’s see those speedy Kenyan and American sprinters set world records if they are required to kick soccer balls for the whole length of the 100 Yard Dash. A Brazilian sweep.

Alligator Wrangling: Get rid of that patrician bore, the Equestrian Competition with rich people in silly costumes riding their pampered prancing horses in the most polite way possible. Always a real snooze, it’s time to replace it with Alligator Wrangling, with Brazil facing tough competition only from the Australians.

Carnival Obstacle Course: Brazil’s Carnival, like New Orleans’ Mardi Gras, is a world class party held for a week in Spring. Why not put on another one during the Olympics and really show the world a good time? A race could be held at the height of one of the wild parades with the runners dodging flying Margaritas, half naked dancers, fireworks and costumed revelers in an obstacle course race. The finish line could be the Olympic Stadium filled with drunken tourists offering them money for sex.

Cliff Diving: Forget about those dull double gainers into a pool from the half-kip position, whatever the hell that is. Line up those divers on the edge of a giant cliff with a bunch of jagged rocks at the bottom for some real entertainment. The incentive to clear the rocks would be pretty strong, and no one will worry about grace points or required form, with the divers simply trying to survive the 300 hundred foot plunge. Rio is loaded with these dramatic precipices.

Cliff Hang Gliding: Why waste the grandstands erected near those cliffs? The hang gliders could also double as body recovery crews for the less talented cliff divers.

Naked Greco-Roman Wrestling (Female): Again taking advantage of one of their greatest natural resources, their beautiful women, Brazil can capitalize on this new sport. Of course no one will really care who wins or loses, but what the hell? It’s only the Olympics and no one remembers who won what 6 months later. It’s pretty much a guarantee that everyone who witnesses this spectacle would savor the memory for many a moon.

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