Mahmoud Sabourjian is the President of Iran’s original name. His family changed their surname to Ahmadinejad, he readily admits that. But what is odd for this blatant Jew-hating Holocaust denier who runs a fairly large nation close to Israel, is that Sabourjian is an old Persian Jewish name. It seems his family converted to Islam shortly after he was born, and  converted their name too in that anti-Semitic land. That’s right folks, the scruffy little runt is a Jew! Talk about your head cases! Talk about award winning doctoral theses for any number of aspiring psychoanalysts trying to figure him out! This guy’s got that self-hatred syndrome down pat, and then some! In Iran, when you convert to Islam, you condemn your former religion. Well, he really ran with that and went more than a little overboard. Wonder what else he’s hiding? Think maybe the guy’s gay, too? After all, he assured the world last year that Iran doesn’t have any gay people, which would make it the only nation anywhere that didn’t have homosexuals making up 5% of its population, an odd assertion in a region of the world long renowned for open man-boy romance. This is one guy that has to have his every utterance dissected for its true meaning from now on.

So it’s probably wise for the rest of the world to listen to him carefully deny that Iran has no intention of creating a nuclear weapon and decide that Iran has every intention of building as many nuclear weapons as they possibly can. And when he says that the rockets they keep test-firing are not intended to threaten Israel, rest assured that they all have a painting of a rabbi in the cross hairs of a rifle scope painted on their sides. It’s pretty simple, really, sort of like what Americans had to do when listening to Ronald Reagan a few decades back. He was the president who moaned that the Federal government was way too big, then proceeded to triple its size. He called America “a bright shining city on a hill,” and then attempted to evict the inconvenient paupers from this Emerald City of his mind.

So we have a precedent for understanding Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, dotty old Ronald Reagan. Call it the Reagan Corollary. Always assume the opposite of what he just said is the truth. Only this self-loathing gnome is far crazier that Ronny ever was. Reagan was just senile and not too bright to begin with, while the Iranian president is a cunning schemer with an insane streak wider than a skunk’s stripe. And, truth be told, with his family background he has to have a pair of brass balls to to even think of becoming the president of Iran under the rabidly anti-Semitic Ayatollah Regime. The fact that he accomplished this goal is even more astounding than the Austrian-born Adolph Hitler taking over Germany in 1932 after receiving only a third of the popular vote.

That’s about what Ahmadinejad received when he was “elected” to his second term recently, even if he did claim to have won 82% of the vote only minutes after the polls closed, presumably after conducting an exit poll in some dark corner of his mind. The fact that the president of Iran is only second-in-command to the nation’s Supreme leader, one Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, should not reassure anyone. After all, Hitler was subordinate to co-Chancellor  Paul von Hindenburg, at least on paper, a paper he quickly crumpled into a ball and tossed aside. And wasn’t our own dictator Shotgun Dick Cheney only supposed to be the Vice President? Guess who called all the shots for the 8 years of the Bush The Younger Administration? Sure wasn’t Dumbya. Not too many people would be shocked to find out that Ahmedinejad has usurped all the power in Iran for himself one day.

So what’s the world supposed to do with this self-loathing closet queen? A lot of people would like nothing more than to go to war with Iran, which wouldn’t hurt Ahmadinejad or the Supreme leader all that much. That creepy old Khamenei guy is just as nuts as Ahmedinejad. They’d probably like it. Who it would hurt, however, are the poor shnooks who are Iranian citizens, many of whom have stuck their necks out to openly oppose their crazy government. Iranians are, in the vast majority, reasonable, well-educated and sophisticated people. They just don’t have much talent for revolution, since when they got rid of the Shah, they really didn’t have a solid plan for who would take his place. What they got was Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomenei, a refugee from the 14th century and a self-loathing closet queen himself who couldn’t torture enough people or take away enough freedom from Iran’s women. That was one sick puppy.

There just weren’t enough hours in the day for him to make as many people as possible suffer. He was the guy who set up the puppet presidency that Ahmadinejad would one day fill. But that’s the funny thing with puppets, they’re not always happy to remain puppets. And this guy Ahmadinejad has just the right combination of neuroses, cunning, hatred and ambition to outwit the aging lunatic Supreme Leader Khamenei, who’s not half the cunning monster that Khomeni was. So, what to do with him? No one other than insane people and statesmen too old to have to fight wants to wage another war, especially in the tinderbox Middle East. The Iranian people are suffering enough living under these whack jobs. Why kill a bunch of them because they have a nutty head of state? If that were the standard, there would be no end to the wars that needed to be waged. Hell, we’d even have had to attack ourselves under certain presidents we have elected if that was our policy.

Looks like we’ll just have to wait the idiot out, impose strict sanctions on Iran and demand compliance with the international treaties to which Iran is a signatory. The regime’s political opponents can be covertly financed and supplied and international financial, media and political pressure applied. Cut off their main source of income by preventing their oil exports and treat Iran as a pariah nation. Its citizens will suffer but will not die like they would in a war, and maybe they’ll think things through when they decide on what sort of government they would like to have next time around. Odds are they won’t pick a self-loathing runt and a bunch of Medieval misanthropes in robes next time around. It will take time, patience and international cooperation, but as things stand now, the runt is no threat to anyone but his own hapless citizens.

Make things unpleasant enough for Iran and they’ll solve the world’s Ahmadinejad problem all by themselves. When they look across their border at Iraq and consider the alternative, their choice will be a no-brainer. What every other nation with a stake in a stable Iran must do at that point is to pour aid and encouragement into Iran to ensure that they rejoin the community of nations as a stable neighbor and trading partner, an enemy of terrorism and a valued voice in the Middle East. It is, after all, one the oldest nations in the world, one that’s been rocking the Cradle of Civilization for 5,000 years. They have survived many a madman ruler in that time, and the self-hating closet queen and the nutty old farts with the robes are just one more wild bunch. Now that the world knows Ahmadinejad’s family background and he is exposed as a bona fide lunatic, he doesn’t seem nearly as dangerous as he did a week ago. Sort of like Woody Allen with an army. Bananas.

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