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General Interest, Politics

LET’S DEFINE REAL AMERICANS, SHALL WE?

Why don’t we see if we can duplicate the newspeak of what passes for political dialogue these days? How hard could it be? Facts, intelligence and well-constructed arguments are completely unnecessary, and consideration of thoughtful opposing views is a huge drawback. Cunning and deception are paramount, and everybody was a sneaky little kid once, no? Tap into your inner child and twist reality to suit yourself. If you have to quote an opponent, make sure it’s completely out of context. For example, simply substitute his answer for whether or not he favors forced slave labor for a reply to what he thinks about the Methodist Church. It’s still a real quote, right? So when you get a recording of this person saying “this vile, inhuman practice needs to be wiped off the face of the earth,” why not make it appear that they are in favor of persecuting Christians?

Now anything that person says in public for the next six months will be drowned out by protesters calling for his resignation, if not hanging for him on the spot. Every press conference about anything at all will have nothing but questions about his planned pogrom against the Methodists and Christianity in general and whatever important idea this person wants to discuss will be buried in the chaos of disinformation. This way you don’t even need a viable alternative to their ideas. Who wants to go through all that brain-busting work of coming up with viable solutions when you can simply destroy the opposition’s solutions?  Here are the new Real American rules for modern political debate:

Never, ever consider an idea’s merits, only its source: Specifically, your guy’s idea, no matter how hare brained, is the greatest concept since the wheel, while their guy’s idea, no matter how brilliant, is un-American, a danger to life as we know it and certain to put transvestite cannibals in charge of every kindergarten.

When in doubt, wave the flag: If you feel the opposition is winning hearts and minds, especially minds, attack their patriotism, no matter how much of a reach it is. Remember John Kerry, the decorated war hero? Well, he ran for president against Bush The Younger, a man who deserted his military post during a time of war and yet when the political pit bulls got through with Kerry, he was Benedict Arnold and Bush The Younger was George Patton in the eyes of enough morons to tip the election. Remember, you only need to convince a small number of voters, the crucial moron swing demographic who have the attention span of houseflies, an endless reservoir of anger and own all the Rambo movies on DVD.

Preface your stupid statements with “Every right thinking American knows”: This intro can be used to justify anything, no matter how ludicrous. Again, remember you’re not targeting those traitors who think things through, but the patriotic swing demographic discussed above who will only remember the “right thinking American” part and identify with the person using that phrase over and over and over.

Repetition makes it so: See above. No matter how foolish and distasteful an idea you are asking people to swallow, it becomes more palatable with endless repetition. Alternate saying it in an emphatic matter, a condescending tone, with blustery anger and very loud, but just keep repeating it tirelessly. The people you need to believe it will hear it so often they will assume it is true and begin defending your mouthful of nonsense like it was gospel and shout down anyone who questions it.

Pull out the God card as often as you can get away with it: It doesn’t matter if you have a mistress, a homosexual lover and a favorite sheep you enjoy dressing in Victoria’s Secret lingerie, when you find out an opponent once skipped out on paying a parking ticket,  just invoke the name of your best friend Jesus early, often and loud. It doesn’t even matter in what context, either, just Jesus the hell out of the other guy until somebody from the swing demographic starts calling that person the Anti-Christ. They’re pretty reliable that way and you can get back to your sweet little lamb in peace while your opponent is defending himself against witchcraft charges.

Cut and paste: Again, it cannot be stressed enough: accurate quotations are for sissies! Anything anybody says is fair game to be used in any context. Using direct quotes on printed material or recorded quotes for audio feeds having nothing to do with the subject is fine. Who’s to say they didn’t really mean to say that the right to free speech “has no place in America” when they really did say those words once. About something, anyway. And isn’t lying covered in freedom of speech?

Deception is a valid political tool: See above and also take your cue from nature. Don’t chameleons blend in with their surroundings in order to survive? They are not rocks or trees yet they pretend to look like them at times. Don’t lions use their tawny color to hide in the tall savannah grasses when hunting? Are lions liars? Are chameleons deceivers? They are only doing what comes naturally, using deception and camouflage to their advantage. It is a matter of survival. Every right thinking American knows that Jesus loved animals, do they not? So who are we to deny one of God’s greatest gifts to us, our duplicity?

Practice your condescending voice and manner: Facts, knowledge and truth are not necessary. As a matter of fact they’re more than a little tedious. Every right thinking American knows that only Godless Anti-Creationist socialists neglect their Bible studies to stick their pointy noses in books and computers looking up debatable “facts.” Well, all their hard work can be dismissed offhand with a practiced roll of one’s eyes and a haughty “So you say, sir!” This way you haven’t actually denied their truthful statements, only appeared to know better and crush their arguments by making none of your own. The proper haughty manner and angry bluster gets the brief attention of your friends, the swing people, without ever having to reveal your own lack of study, preparation or discernible intellect. It’s all about sincerity; if you can fake that you’re a winner without firing a shot.

When all else fails, fake anger: The swing vote gang loves anger, doesn’t matter much about what, they’re a pretty angry bunch anyway. Just say stuff like “This American is very angry!” Here’s an effective combination of the God card and indignant anger: “Even Jesus got angry at the money changers!” Means squat, but with the right fake sincerity, it enrages the angry morons. Never forget that they are your secret weapon.

Tell people your opponent wants their daughters and their guns: The swing demographic loves their guns so you need at all costs to keep them on your side. Hell, they’re armed to the teeth so make certain that the guy they hate is the other guy and not you. Tell them of your opponent’s plan to hire handsome minority men to romance their daughters, steal their weapons and start an atheist and devil worshiping coalition government. Sure, that’s as absurd as it gets, but a liberal sprinkling of Jesuses, flag waving and a few “right thinking Americans” will do the trick and pretty soon the other guy is a pedophile pacifist in league with al Qaeda. Think John Kerry here. Before you know it you’re back in Victoria’s Secret picking up that custom made camisole.

Follow these simple rules and you are well on your way to high elective office or your own cable TV political commentary show.

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