Good news, citizens! The financial wizards who keep track of such things inform us that The Great Recession is lifting. Of course these wizards seem to be the same bunch who stole all the money in the world last year after 10 years of playing Monopoly with everybody else’s dough, then proceeded to make the rest disappear, Presto-Change-o! So perhaps we should temper our jubilation a wee bit. So, why should we trust them this time around? Simple, because there is no one else! Other than a few mega-thieves who went to the slammer and one or two that got fired with mucho millions in severance pay, it looks like the same cast of characters is still in charge of all the money in the world, so that’s that. Might as well give them the benefit of the doubt, no? Anybody can have a bad decade, right? Right?
So, being that we’re going to be in the chips again real soon, might as well start planning to go all entrepreneurial again. Good old American ingenuity and sticktoitiveness ought to get the old markets booming again pronto. The dot com boys are salivating already, certain that their new web thingy will be the next FaceBook or YouTube and they’ll be raking in the billions in no time. Go for it, dweeb guys! Manufacturers are dusting off their machinery and planning exciting new lines of useless products to be foisted off on a gullible public. Lemon-scented denture cement, anyone? Cell phones that double as geiger counters? Move over, ShamWow! The possibilities are infinite in this day and age of digital miracles. But, like any age of innovation, some ideas are better than others. Steer clear of investing in these:
The iEye: The latest gizmo offered by Apple Computers, the iEye replaces one of your old fashioned organic analog eyes and fits neatly into the socket! You want Aps, you got Aps! You can not only see better but you can see for miles with the iEye telescopic lens and spy camera, and that’s not all! Phone calls, music downloads, GPS locator, video games, you name it, all your favorite applications operated on a virtual screen that appears inches from your face and operated by micro-implants in your fingertips. Twitter in your sleep! Guaranteed to match your remaining eye.
Bloodwater, USA: Exciting and lucrative careers beckon! Bloodwater USA, inspired by the successful private army corporations that made billions getting hired to fight wars and providing high paying jobs to trained killers, Bloodwater is designed to augment a different branch of civil service. What could that possibly be, you say? Two words: Private Firefighters! State and local governments are eager to replace this revenue-negative drain on their treasuries with private workers. The pay? Sky’s the limit! It’s amazing how quickly people will fork over their cash and credit cards in order to get the flames destroying their homes extinguished ASAP! Now hiring.
Mop Socks: Clean and wax your floor while walking around your house! One-size-fits-all Mop Socks are made from sturdy, stylish and absorbent polyethylene resin that is soapy on the outside, dry and snuggly on the inside. Just dip one foot in soapy water and go about your regular morning routine, dragging your “dry foot” behind you. Repeat the process with wax-foot, buffing-foot in the evening (You’ll get the hang of it no time, ladies!) and your floors will stay clean and shiny with no extra work! The perfect solution for the Mom on the go. Comes in four designer colors. Coming soon: Duster Gloves!
The Home Orthodontist: Mom and Dad, what’s it going to be, a college fund for the kids or buying Cadillacs for know-it-all Orthodontists when Junior needs braces? Now you don’t have to choose! With the affordable and easy to use Home Orthodontist and a pair of needle nose pliers you can install the braces on your kid’s twisted teeth yourself! After all, it’s only wires and rubber bands! Follow our easy instructions and give them something to smile about on graduation day! Act now and get a complementary EZ Stitcher & Bone Setting Kit complete with hospital-grade suturing needle and Plaster of Paris!
Geek Whisperer: Job openings are starting to appear in this brand new category, with tech employers seeking individuals who can get through to their software engineers when they get out of hand. It seems that the geeks who come up with all those cell phone applications and video games sometimes get absorbed for days on end with Harry Potter movies, Twitter marathons and reading how-to manuals on dating real live non-inflatable girls. Techniques include repetitions of the phrase “dude… dude?… duuuude… dude!”, pizza deliveries, dismantling computers and challenging them to reassemble them and a lightweight rubber mallet to the back of their heads. Now hiring.
Baby Boomer Groomers: With the largest generation of Americans ever born getting decidedly long in the tooth, there will be an increasing demand for make-over specialists to teach these scruffy old hippies how to dress for a graceful old age. Baldies with red bandanas and ponytails, sagging cleavage flower children with by now unsightly butterfly tattoos beginning to resemble dying centipedes, tie-dyed T-shirt wearing tubbies and leather vest bikers driving minivans are finally realizing how ridiculous and downright creepy this all looks. That’s where Boomer Groomers come in, showing them how to look and act like proper grandparents so they can stop embarrassing their Neo-con Yuppie offspring. Training begins now!
The Euthanator: Die with dignity in the privacy of your own home! Face it Gramps, you’re old and in the way. That giant goiter on your neck isn’t getting any smaller, and neither is your enlarged prostate. And that nest egg you salted away for your golden years? Does the name Bernie Madoff ring a bell? So, before you get foreclosed on and dragged off to the poor house, die like a man in your own house! The Euthenator comes complete with a blank Last Will and Testament in case you’ve got two nickels left, a fluffy down pillow upon which to dream your final dreams and enough morphine to kill a moose. Shuffle off this mortal coil on your own terms. Get the Deluxe Two-Pack for mutual suicide pacts for you and the lovely wife! No prescription necessary. Made in Canada.