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UFO BLACK BOX TRANSCRIPT

The following is a excerpt from the flight log of an alien space ship visiting the Earth. The audio recording was found at the top-secret wreckage of a flying saucer in a corn field in Iowa about 3 weeks ago. Surprisingly, the aliens piloting the craft speak English, but with a very slight New Zealand accent, sort of like Sam Neill. The names of the aliens are Kenny and Lorenzo, another big surprise. Bobcrespo.com was fortunate enough to obtain a transcript of the flight recordings, don’t ask how. Check out what aliens think of us:

Kenny: “Well, I don’t know about you, pal, but I’ll be glad to get off this one horse planet.”

Lorenzo: “Amen to that, brother, but I will miss the babes. You have your report ready?”

Kenny “You kidding? What the hell am I gonna tell Central abut this crazy place? They told us to keep our work on the QT and only interview people in isolated areas!  What the hell do they expect?”

Lorenzo: “What else? The usual drill, you know, that we’ve been negotiating with their best and brightest, proposing cultural exchanges, trade missions, the usual routine…”

Kenny “Yeah, right, like that mullet hairdo jackass Slick! Or that dumbass lunatic in the mud hut in Tibet, what the hell was his name?”

Lorenzo: “Yeah, that was Narayan, the goat guy, the one who thought were riding a chariot from heaven.”

Kenny: “I thought we screwed up and accidentally brought somebody from out of the past again. ”

Lorenzo: “Don’t remind me. If Central ever finds out that Dick Cheney was our fault and he’s really an Inquisitor from the Middle Ages…”

Kenny: “Don’t even go there, Lorenzo! He really screwed things up for everybody, didn’t he? But don’t worry, no one will find out, and Cheney won’t ever let on, not after we installed all that hardware in him so he can stay alive for another 200 years. He’d have an awful lot of explaining to do…

Lorenzo: “It’s amazing none of these dopes caught on…”

Kenny: “Why should they? Half their planet lives just like they did a thousand years ago! Who would have thought we’d be flying halfway across the damned galaxy to interview people who plough their fields with a water buffalo or some redneck with a yard full of rusty cars in front of his double wide?”

Lorenzo: “Well, that’s the only people Central lets us talk to! They say we’d blow our cover if we pulled up into a big city.”

Kenny: “Tell me about it… Boy, if it wasn’t for those pole dancers and massage girls, this trip would have been a complete wash out! I gotta say, those happy endings are pretty cool…”

Lorenzo: “That’s another thing you’d better not mention in the report, Kenny. Central gets a little touchy about sex with humans.”

Kenny: “Can I help it if their fantasy was having sex with an alien? What were we supposed to do, say no?”

Lorenzo: “Well, we’ll just keep that between us, pal. We’ve got to do this by the book…”

Kenny: “Yeah, I guess I’ll just go with the standard bit about this planet not being ready to join the Galactic Guild, maybe try them again in a couple hundred more years…”

Lorenzo: “Yeah, you’re right. Maybe by then they’ll have that whole Middle East deal figured out.”

Kenny: “You kidding me, Lorenzo? These bozos haven’t been able to straighten out that hell hole in 5,000 years! What the hell difference will a couple of hundred years make?”

Lorenzo: “Well, we have to tell Central something, Kenny! We’ve been here for thirty five years and the only ones we’ve spoken to are trailer trash and people barely two steps removed from being hunter-gatherers!”

Kenny: “Well, we could put in for an extension… tell them we need more time to study the females of Earth…”

Lorenzo: “Maybe you’ve got something there. They’ll never buy our cultural negotiations nonsense, anyway. This way we could do an in-depth report on pole dancers and massage girls, tell Central we think they might have vital information or some crap, that the names Tiffany and Heather have some special place in Earth society…”

Kenny: “Yeah, that would keep them off our back for awhile….”

Lorenzo: “And keep us in happy endings too!”

Kenny: “Now you’re talking! No more dopes with pot bellies and baseball caps.”

Lorenzo: “No more toothless guys in robes with a camel and eleven skinny sheep he calls his harem in the middle of some dreary desert!”

Kenny: “No more crazy reindeer herders from Lapland or those little poison dart clowns in the Amazon!”

Lorenzo: “Only hot Earth babes with an alien fetish from now on! Let’s just take her out to orbit and figure this out.”

Kenny: “Yeah, go ahead…”

Lorenzo: Me? I thought you had the wheel!”

Kenny: “You mean you’re not driving? Holy shi…”

And that’s where the tape ends. Apparently aliens aren’t all such ace pilots. The space ship was pretty mashed up but they’re very much like humans when it comes to building their aircraft, with everything being really flimsy except the black box recorder, which is completely indestructible. Why none of us ever thought to build our planes out of the same stuff we make the black boxes out of is a huge question, but at least it shows we have something in common with aliens in at least that one area. Anyway, no one is sure if these two aliens will be missed when they don’t report in to Central, whatever that is, but given the peaceful and somewhat limited scope of their mission that the black box recordings seem to indicate, no one seems all that worried about the prospect. It even looks like Tiffany and Heather are eagerly looking forward to another visit from spacemen, so here’s to happy endings.

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