Most of the people who are going to such passionate lengths to get marijuana legalized for “medical purposes” really don’t really give a rat’s ass about cancer victims or their level of pain and nausea. They want to get high, period, amen. So why not just come out and say so? Hell, whiskey’s legal, so is vodka, gin and over-proof rum, far more powerful intoxicants than reefer. Don’t be a sneaky pot head, say what you mean! An while you’re at it, point out the huge tax revenues and agricultural benefits to be realized by legal marijuana, to say nothing of reducing prison populations and court costs. Pot is harmless and fun, and a potential gold mine for the nation.

The French are getting real busy fighting the Somalian pirates, having just captured a “pirate mother ship,” a 30 foot long fishing boat with 11 pirates, a load of guns, ammunition and many barrels of fuel on board. The French haven’t been this excited about a military adventure since Napoleon was in charge over there. In other words, the last time they won anything. So much are the French feeling their oats, they want to tackle some other old problems, like The Bubonic Plague and the Huguenot Reformation.

In their own novel approach to combatting piracy, the Chinese have announced that an attempt at seizing one of their ships was thwarted when thousands of dolphins suddenly surfaced between the Somalian pirates’ boat and the Chinese vessel, thus preventing an attack and really freaking the pirates out. The Chinese government waited until after the rescue of the American Sea Captain Richard Phillips by U.S. Navy Seals to unveil their trained dolphin strategy. It seems that they thought that Navy Seals were real sea lions trained by the United States as deadly marksmen. It has since been explained that the snipers who killed three pirates simultaneously were actually humans, and now the Chinese are kicking themselves for having revealed their no longer Top-Secret Dolphin Brigade.

In science news, it has been reported that studies of coral reef formations reveal that 121,000 years ago, sea levels rose around 10 feet in the relatively short span of 50 to 100 years due to accelerated polar ice melt. Which gives real estate developers in Florida just enough time to relabel the state as “The American Venice.” 

Talk about not getting it. The new “democracy” of Afghanistan used their legislative powers to enact a Talibanesque law further restricting the already miniscule rights afforded to women, including a provision allowing marital rape. And so 300 women took to the streets of Kabul and marched to the Parliament building to protest this formalization of slavery. Taking their model from the Third Reich, this law affects only the 10% of the population that are members of the Shiite religious sect. Taking their cue from German citizens of the 1930’s, Afghan citizens attacked the protesters and greeted them with cries of “Whores!” Odds are they’ll soon find out the price of surrendering the rights of others. Legislators are already preparing to call “Next!” 

In further insult-to-injury news, Afghan President Kharzai, the guy who signed the slavery bill, criticized neighboring Pakistan for allowing Sharia law to be enacted in that nation’s tribal areas. Or as many Americans put it: yet another pressing reason to completely abandon this backward backwater to its fate.

American news outlets have gone haywire covering the acquisition of a dog by the Obama family. It was either that or another day of Madonna adoption headlines. As far as actual news is concerned, that could be found on the internet, along with stories about mainstream media bosses lamenting that no one pays attention to them anymore. Back to you, Roger!

The Emirate of Dubai, watching helplessly as the world economic collapse has rendered their fantastic towers worthless and vacationers realize there’s no good reason to go skiing on slurpee snow in the desert, has turned to cloning camels. When giving away Bentleys and BMWs with every multimillion dollar apartment sold didn’t work, the handwriting was on the wall as far as Dubai’s robust participation in the 21st century. So, they’ve decided to go with what’s worked for them for a thousand years: camels. As far as Burg Dubai is concerned, the mostly empty 400 story tower they figured would make Dubai City a world capital, well, it has been proposed that it be renamed Camel Hump Mountain and used as a landmark for nomad caravans as they pass by on their way to the Spice Road with their cloned camels while they wonder why their leaders used those trillions and trillions to construct a fairyland rather than build universities and sustainable industries.

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