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Humor

TO-DO LIST

We’ve all got things to do. Seems like that’s biggest part of this whole being alive deal, things to do. Of course the best part of the to-do lists are things we don’t have to do but we do because we enjoy them. We try to mix them in between the bill-paying, the dentist visiting, the wall painting and all that tiresome hunting and gathering we need to do in order to stay alive. To-do lists are all about priorities, and being human is quite often all about ignoring priorities and enjoying ourselves. No sin there, so long as you’re not doing so at the expense of those who depend on you. Besides, if every day was a party, then parties would be work. 

And so we live our lives seeking that delicate balance between doing what we must do and doing what we want to do. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. No sense becoming dull boys and girls with all work and no play, or even duller people, doing nothing but playing. Frivolous people are just as tedious as over-serious ones. So, what’s on your to-do list? For most of us, there’s chores, errands and appointments, at least in the to-do lists that we stick to the refrigerator with magnets. Then there’s the mental to-do lists we all have, the things we enjoy or the things we wonder about trying at least once. Some we get to do, others we just fantasize about, such as these:

Get shot out of a cannon. How you’d go about doing that is the big question, but it looks like a hell of a lot of fun as long as you don’t overshoot the net. Do you need training like you do for sky-diving? Is there a place that would let you do it once or twice for a fee, like those bungee-jumping places? Would there be a crowd handy to cheer you like there is at the circus?

Build the perfect tree house. Not many women want to do this, but a lot of men do, but with very few of them actually accomplishing this frivolous goal. Those that do are generally too old to appreciate it, but at least their children or grandchildren will get to enjoy it, even though Mom and Granny will be worried sick over their safety and call you an incredible bonehead and give you a lot of grief. Fantasies fulfilled are not without their price.

Rule the world. Who among us hasn’t wanted to do that? Maybe knock some heads together and get people to stop being such dicks half the time. Of course this is the most unattainable of fantasies, but one of the most popular. There’s no one alive who hasn’t thought at one time or another that they could do better than our clue-free leadership with their curious absence of common sense and mountainous egos.

Take a ride on a spaceship. They let billionaires do it, for about 10 or 20 million bucks a ride. Why not a lottery for the average Joes and Janes to win a trip on a space ship? Float around weightless and look out the window at the earth from miles and miles above, maybe get to drive the ship for a couple of spins around the planet.

Make love to a gorgeous movie star. Again, not in the cards for most of us, but then again, you never know. (Alright, you do know, and it’s not gonna happen, but we’re talking fantasies here.)

Steal the Hope Diamond and use it as a doorknob. Okay, using the Hope Diamond as a doorknob is a pretty lame thing to do, but being an international jewel thief must be pretty cool. You know, that whole slipping out of your tuxedo into a back turtleneck routine, getting by all kinds of sophisticated alarm systems, grabbing the jewels and slipping right back in to the old tux in time for a cocktail before anyone’s the wiser.

Deliver a baby in the back of a taxi cab. Of course you’d have to have two pretty good sports to volunteer to help you achieve this odd dream, the expectant mother and the taxi driver. But what the hell, it seems to happen all the time with mother and baby none the worse for wear and you get your picture in the paper to boot. As long as you’re not the one who has to clean up the cab afterwards.

Walk on a tight wire high above Times Square. And living through it, of course. Not getting arrested for pulling such a dumb stunt would be as added bonus.

Land a plane in the Hudson River with no loss of life. Okay, that one’s already been done, but you haven’t done it yet. To achieve that dream, however, you’d need a whole lot of really, really good sports to go along with the routine, to say nothing of persuading an airline to let you drop one of their planes into the drink.

Grow a handlebar mustache. Or not. Not exactly a priority unless you’re a sinister character from an old black & white movie, an eccentric artist, posing for the cover of a cough drops box or just feel like looking ridiculous. Besides, where would you get mustache wax these days?

Swim the English Channel. Nah. That one’s more in the nature of an obsession than a to-do list item. The better daydream is skinny dipping with that gorgeous movie star you’re lusting after just before you make wild passionate love together on the deck of a yacht anchored off a deserted beach in some tropical paradise. If you’re going to daydream, might as well go first class, no?

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