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Humor, Politics

PEOPLE TO AVOID

If there’s one standout feature of life, it’s that there’s no shortage of people. They are everywhere, in all shapes and sizes, and with all sorts of things on their mind. Most of them are delightful and very good company, well worth knowing. There are those few, however, who are either cruel, selfish or just plain irritating. Luckily there are few of them and a ton of the more enjoyable types so you’re not missing out on anything if you avoid these people:

Someone who has many amusing stories that all seem to end with the phrase: “So I took out my gun and shot him!,” followed by a big belly laugh.

People who want to discuss their pets constantly and insist you agree their animal is “almost human.” No, no it is not. But you are.

People who scan religious texts for out-of-context excerpts that justify their hatred and their nasty behavior. A pox be upon them.

Anyone who doesn’t like ice cream. What else is wrong with them?

People who insist that their oddball diet of choice is the only proper sustenance for everybody and only evil people disagree with them.

Thunder Thieves. There are those people who just cannot stand to let someone else shine, to have their moment of joy and feeling special. They interject themselves into someone else’s big moment to focus all attention back where they feel it properly belongs, on themselves and only them at all times forever no matter what. Another name for such petty and insecure souls is opera singers: me-me-me-me!

Exercise fanatics. To these people, there’s nothing worth doing that is not worth overdoing. Most of us would take the six pack over the six pack abs.

Experts on everything. Keep going, professor. I think I see someone in need of your vast intellectual prowess down the road a mile or so.

Frowners. That’s one hell of an odd choice for a permanent facial expression, and one most of us would rather not look at for very long.

Conspiracy Nuts. The biggest favor you can do for these people is to shun them. This way they’ll be certain there’s a nefarious plot against them, thus making their lives full and purposeful. It’s a win-win situation. You’ve spread some joy to someone and don’t have to listen to their convoluted nonsense.

Judges. Ever notice that judgmental people never judge anybody to be good in any way? No, the rest of us never just seem to measure up to their own personal perfection.

Advisors. We all seek advice from time to time from people who know us and who we trust. Then there is that breed of unsolicited advice-givers whose own lives are generally a mess and yet they feel they know what is best for everyone else. Other than for amusement, why would anyone listen to them?

Men who carry a change purse in their pocket. What the hell is that all about? Didn’t they ever read about Ebenezer Scrooge?

Gloom and doom types. To these people, the future hold nothing but disaster. If they won ten million bucks in the lottery they’d complain about the taxes they’d have to pay and how everybody would be after their dough. Vindicate them by making sure being in your company is not in their future.

Blamers. Blamers are never at fault for all the crazy things that happen to them. Like their Conspiracy Nut cousins, there’s always something or somebody to blame for their misfortunes. It’s never the person they see in the mirror every bleak morning and they will never admit that the whole world may have a point and they just might have a little bit of a flawed attitude.

Dismissers. When something hard or catastrophic happens to you, there are those among us who say it is no big deal, that their experiences have been far worse. Cancer, shmancer! I have suffered worse. So what if someone you love died? I get migraines! Not the best people with which to commiserate.

Bad News Bearers. Some people just love to put a damper on everyone else’s joy, usually waiting until someone is feeling pretty good before dropping some horrible piece of information from their vast inventory of disturbing and negative tidings. Killjoys live for wiping the smiles off other faces to match their own grim mugs. Give them some bad news: You’ve seen the last of me.

Revisionists. These are people who feel that their own painful past can be rewritten in memory, even trying to convince people who were there at the time that their behavior was completely admirable and proper. They insist long and loud even though everybody else remembers vividly how badly they screwed up and how rotten they acted. Admitting a mistake would be like cutting off a limb to these people, so instead they alienate everybody close to them with their lies and self-deception.

Voices of God. While many of us believe in God and practice one sort or religion or another, few of us pretend to speak for the Creator. Those who do always seem to interpret God’s words in a way that agrees wholeheartedly with their own mindset and personal opinions. How convenient. And when you’re God’s mouthpiece, then anything you do is automatically okay, like that whole multiple subservient wives deal and getting rich on other people’s money. How very convenient!

War Mongers. Doesn’t it seem that the least war-mongering people are soldiers, the people who actually have to fight the wars that others love to start from the comfort of safe surroundings? Soldiers sign up to defend and protect their nation and have their hands plenty full with that demanding duty. They don’t need the people who they serve using them as expendable pawns every time their nation disagrees with another nation. War is hell on earth, but only for those in harm’s way. For some, it is a parlor game for monetary gain and a casually vicious enterprise. Wonder how casual they’d be if the viscousness, the stench of death and horrid bloody injuries were part of their everyday lives, if those who call for warfare at the drop of a hat actually had to participate in one? Before boot camp was over Pacifism would catch on in a hurry. Who knows, humanity might even get the hang of tolerance, good will and diplomacy. Until then, shun the war mongers, those cowards and bullies by proxy. You want to be a bully, do it in person or shut the hell up. Faced with the prospect of facing real danger, all bullies change their tune swiftly.

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