In our ongoing quest for the perfect set of Rules For Gentlemen in this rapidly changing modern world, we submit the following:

A gentleman never worries about his place in Gentleman History.

When confronted with a choice between right and wrong, a gentleman carefully weighs his options and picks what is best for his own interests.

A gentleman is always respectful of the feelings of others. Unless, of course, they are irritating the gentleman. Only then is it permissible to impugn their character, curse the day they were born and completely humiliate them in public. (A gentleman does not do things by half-measures!)

When his lady asks who are the other ladies in his life, a gentleman always lies with a straight face. Ladies are quite discerning and can detect even the merest whiff of fear. Be of stout heart and state your emphatic denials boldly! 

Activities for or which a gentleman always wears gloves: Attending the theater, playing polo and committing a felony.

When calling on a lady it is customary for a gentleman to present her servant with a business card. There is no law saying that it can’t be the business card of someone with a far more impressive title than oneself. After all, he is not there for a business meeting, but rather the business of meeting.

A gentleman does not cry “Fire!” in a crowded theater, no matter how excruciatingly boring the opera or ballet his lady has dragged him to see. If he expects any of the lady’s slippery triangle afterwards, a gentleman endures!

When paying for dinner with a lady using a stolen credit card, a gentleman always makes sure the card is valid immediately beforehand by calling the 800 number on the card from a public telephone and not his own cell phone.

Wearing a tuxedo is no excuse for a gentleman to feel superior, especially if one is a theater usher or busboy.

A gentleman does not change the settings on someone else’s computer. Simply check your e-mail, log out and thank your host.

Similarly, when a gentleman is conducting a computer scam, he does not hack into his victims’ bank accounts from the computer of a friend. Even one’s closest intimates might crack under interrogation. Instead, it is recommended that he break into a stranger’s home or office and do his dirty work from their computer. 

When a gentleman is arrested, he does not do the shameful “Perp Walk” with his head ducked down or his face hidden by his stylish overcoat. That behavior reeks of guilt, poor breeding and boorish tendencies. A true gentleman affects his usual jaunty air, holds his head up, looks the camera straight in the eye and smiles his most defiant and dignified smile, or at least as dignified as can be managed under the circumstances.

When out on bail, a gentleman does not engage in further criminal activity unless he is positive it will go undetected.

When in prison, if a gentleman drops his soap in the shower, he allows another inmate to bend over and retrieve it for him. He thanks him graciously afterward. If warranted, perhaps he offers him a pack of cigarettes.

When affecting one’s escape from incarceration, a gentleman disposes of his prison garb as soon as possible, preferably donning a subtle ensemble blending in with one’s surroundings. This is no time for a formal wear if one is escaping from a rural area populated by casually dressed people. That is simply bad form and an invitation to swift re-capture! Until such time as one establishes a new identity in a faraway place and obtains suitable plastic surgery, subtlety is the best policy. A gentleman knows when and when not to shine. Such awareness is indicative of impeccable judgement and superior breeding, hallmarks of the true gentleman

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