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ODD BITS

A mother in California gave birth to eight babies the other day. The odds against that happening are greater than those of being struck by lighting. As of this writing, she’s cursing her luck and wishing for the lighting.

Michael Jackson’s best selling album “Thriller” is going to be made into a Broadway Musical. No word yet on who will play Michael, but Jackson himself is hoping to land Angelina Jolie for the role, figuring maybe she’ll be needing an experienced baby sitter while she’s onstage.

Scientists in Great Britain have completed a study that confirms that cows that have names give more milk than cows without names. This study proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that scientists in the UK are just as liable to waste their expensive educations as scientists anywhere. Meanwhile, the ice caps are melting and we’re still burning the greasy remains of rotten plants and lizards. On the plus side, however, we are naming a lot more cows.

Japan is the latest nation to send naval ships to the coast of Somalia to battle the pirates that have been wreaking havoc on international shipping. Several Asia-Pacific countries are busy drafting a joint resolution declaring that any amount of piracy on the high seas is far preferable to Japan becoming a major naval power again.

In Mexico, an 11-year old bullfighter killed 6 bulls in a bullring in an effort to break the world’s record. Unfortunately, the Guinness Book of World Records does not acknowledge records involving the the harming or killing of animals. When questioned about it, the boy was pretty pissed off about the snub. The 6 bulls were unresponsive. 

Speaking of world records, Bernie Madoff is breathing easier as one Ponzi scammer after another is brought to justice across the nation and the world. It seems than not a single one of these guys have come anywhere near approaching his pyramid scheme total of 50 billion dollars stolen. A few hundred million here, a billion or two there, chump change to to the “Wizard of Wall Street.” The New York Times is even calling these wannabes “Mini-Madoffs” and pointing out that none of them merit the diamond-encrusted solid platinum ankle monitor that Mr. Madoff wears while under house arrest in his palatial Manhattan penthouse.

In exciting psychology news, compulsive shopping is getting it’s own disease name! Even though shrinks haven’t come up with a proper scary name for it yet, it is already being welcomed to the Dubious-New-Mental-Condition fraternity by Nervous Leg Syndrome, ADD and Bipolar Disease. The pharmaceutical giants are scrambling to create an expensive placebo to treat this new scourge.

It seems there’s been a rash of violence in different parts of the nation stemming from bad karaoke performances. And not a minute too soon.

In real estate news, in an effort to jump-start the stagnating market, brokers are backing off their insistence that every condominium offered for sale must be listed as “luxurious.” New labels being proposed for sales brochures include “Adequate,” “Habitable” and “Has Ceilings.” They’re still not selling a damned thing, but at least it gives them something to do other than leaping in front of speeding dump trucks.

It is official, Spain has now clearly entered a serious recession with production dropping off dramatically. The official announcement was delayed by the daily three hour afternoon siesta. Who saw that one coming?

In Japan, whale meat from Iceland and Norway has gone on sale. Japanese consumers are excited, declaring it tastes just like chicken. Huge, house-sized chickens.

In Africa, it is reported that President Robert Mugabe is only one more cholera epidemic away from realizing his assertion that “Zimbabwe is all mine.”

The Iranian President Mahmoud Imadinnerjacket has demanded an apology from the United States for “crimes against Iran.” Maybe he’s referring to the United States’ stiffing of Iran for the hotel and blindfold bills of 52 American diplomats for 444 days when they were “guests” of the late Ayatolyah Howmany following their revolution in 1979. He has graciously offered to reciprocate by apologizing for his polyester leisure suits.

A New Zealand man has returned an MP3 player he bought for 10 bucks in an Oklahoma thrift shop when he discovered it contained 60 of the United States Army’s sensitive files. Senior U.S. military officials were relieved to have recovered the MP3 player when it was revealed to also contain a recording of James Brown and The Famous Flames’ groundbreaking live concert at Harlem’s Apollo theatre in 1963, complete with several bonus tracks. While military secrets are a dime a dozen, that baby’s hard to get your hands on.

A report from Tampa Florida confirms that many football players have suffered brain damage as a result of participating in their sport. Suspicions were aroused by the performances of many former players on NFL pre-game and half time shows. Once thought to be the result of the mind-numbing minutia arising from trying to fill air time during the 2-week buildup to the Super Bowl, doctors tested the afflicted athletes with picture puzzles and comic book reading comprehension drills since actual brain scans of many former NFL Stars-turned TV commentators revealed very little.

In more science news, the effects of human-generated carbon dioxide production in the atmosphere is being compared to a bathtub with its drain opened, which tells us very little. This from the people who still use the term “horsepower” to describe the strength of our engines. Perhaps a minor in language ought to be included in any science education, and maybe some sensitivity training to let these people know that non-scientists are plenty bright enough to wrap their brains around more precise scientific terms than horse and bathtub. We’re not all addled ex-football players.

Yahoo is reporting hundreds of billions of dollars in losses for the 4th quarter of last year. So much for the idea that giving away your services for free will make you money by sheer volume. We here at bobcrespo.com can assure them it doesn’t work that way. Might we suggest a little larceny? The word is that Bernie Madoff had a lot of time on his hands lately. The “Wizard of Wall Street” can probably come up with a customized pyramid scheme for Yahoo before lunchtime. What have they got to lose? It’s pretty much all gone now.

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