You’ve got to hand it to Bush The Younger and his Merry Men. Even in the final few days of the Cheney Administration they’re still screwing up big time. Whether they’re rewriting environmental regulations in favor of guys who throw dead cats into the water supply or defending the outsourcing of torture to Spanish Inquisitors, they are a model of consistency, never wavering from their goal of setting records for screwing the pooch. You think Joe Dimaggio’s 56-game hitting streak is an unbreakable record? That’s chump change compared to 8 straight years of never making one right decision! That’s consistency! Has anybody ever stayed on (garbled) message for so long? 

Now comes word from the New York Times, quoting “senior Administration officials” (most likely Dumbya himself) that Israel wanted secret American help to bomb nuclear facilities in Iran. Bush The Younger turned them down, saying he has his own secret plan for doing the deed. Once again the nefarious English language has tripped the man up. How was he supposed to know the definition of “secret?” He’s a Deciderator, not a Definerationist! He figures he’ll let history decide about him and his record, the thinking being that he never could make heads or tails of them “fat books with all them fat words.” Besides, he’s no Historifier, either. Thats for sissified punks!

That’s the kind of thinking (or at least minimal cognitive activity) that has put every key member of the Cheney Administration into the Douchebag Hall Of Fame and earned Bush The Younger the title Our Worst President Ever And Into The Future Forever. If anybody thinks that was easy, well, they’re probably right. Brain-busting thought and actual hard work was never a huge priority for a crew that only had to let the president dress up like a cowboy or a pilot to please the “boss” while they went about the business of earnestly looting the Treasury. So you further have to admire the effortless way they have achieved what no foreign enemy was ever able to do, bringing America practically to her knees.

But let’s look at the big picture here. Sure, America is far poorer money-wise. There’s no doubt we are vulnerable and over-stretched militarily and our Bill of Rights needs to be repaired ASAP, but the Cheney Administration has left us rich in a comedy legacy that will pay entertainment dividends for years to come. Just the very idea of a puppet president with the intellect of slab of bacon is a hilarious concept. The fact that this was attained in our lifetimes makes ours a special time. We are witness to Comedy History, people, and if that cost trillions of dollars and many thousands of people killed, well, like Dumbya says: “I can’t make an omelette.”

Thanks to Shotgun Dick And The Hole In The Head Gang, we get to find out exactly just how resilient is this idea and this nation called America. How many nations get that opportunity? Well, actually a whole lot of them do and history’s dustbin is pretty much overflowing with failed nations, empires and kingdoms. But what makes these times so special is that our nation somehow survived this combination of Nero, Caligula and Curly Howard that is Bush The Younger. We can tell our grandchildren that we have no idea exactly how this happened. But we can brag that we were alive and confused during the Era Of Bad Will, and being left with very little but our sense of humor to see us through. We will remember with a laugh at how the nation’s money went into the pockets of Cheney’s buddies, and they proceeded to blow it all on hookers, champagne, private jets, powerful drugs and high-stakes gambling. How many generations can say they had a front row seat to a three ring circus for 8 straight years?

So even in these last days of The Kings Of Political Comedy, we see them denying the incoming president the traditional courtesy of staying at Blair House before his inauguration, the Puppet in Chief signing every counterproductive executive order placed in front of him and the mass-issuing of pardons to all the felons on the Federal payroll, too many to count. Industry after industry shows signs of collapse, none of them in greater peril than the Comedy Sector, with no bail-out insight as its primary source of raw material disappears from Washington. And the beauty of the whole act is that none of us seem the wiser! That’s consistency and that’s entertainment!

Leave a Comment

Scroll to Top