Time for predictions for 2009. It’s too late to jump on the crippled economy bandwagon since that seems to be on everybody’s predictions list. Besides, that is not a real prediction, it’s simply reading the newspapers and figuring out we’re heading for lean times. Well, no shit, Nostradamus! And then there’s Condoleezza Rice’s doozy, predicting that Barack Obama will continue Bush The Younger’s disastrous foreign policy. Sort of makes you understand how she’s stuck with the guy for the whole 8 years of his presidency. She’s just as loopy as he is. We should have known all along with that 1950’s sit-com hairdo.

Predictions for the New Year should be grounded in reality and very plausible. Some are pretty easy, like this one: A better and smaller iPod will be introduced at a press conference where Steve Jobs will creep everybody out again. There, that was easy. could stick to no-brainers like that one in the interest of accuracy, but that’s too easy and not nearly as much fun as swinging for the fences and really trying for something new and different. What the hell, they’re only predictions and we take them about as seriously as we do our New Year’s resolutions. Here goes:

In January, Shotgun Dick Cheney will say goodbye to the American public by shooting a few more of his friends in the face just for the hell of it and then order Bush The Younger to pardon him. He will then retire to one his favorite undisclosed locations to complete the process of becoming completely automated.

Osama bin Laden will release a new video around the time of the inauguration. In a departure from his usual minimalist style, for this one he’s going big budget and will employ back-up singers and dancers and feature the rapper Ludacris to interpret his message in hip hop poetry. Gone will be the simple backdrop of rocks and the studio set, for reasons that will remain unexplained, will be a recreation of Emerald City from the Wizard of Oz.

In a combination of Green Eco-activism and anarchy, outlaw bicycle gangs will appear on the scene. Animosity between rival gangs will result in a rash of drive-by slappings and spirited insults. No one will take them seriously.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran, will begin wearing shoe lifts and wearing his hair in a high pompadour. He’ll still be short but he’ll be real creepy.

In the final game of the 2009 baseball season, the Yankees newest and richest pitcher ever, the burly 6 foot, 7 inch tall C.C. Sabathia, will set a baseball record by hitting 400 pounds.

Scientists will discover nothing of any use to anyone and cure no diseases but will find some planets a billion light years away and make up a few diseases that can be “cured” by expensive drugs with weird side effects that can be countered by other expensive drugs with weird side effects, and so on and so on. A brand new Nobel Prize category in marketing will be awarded.

President Barack Obama will create a new government agency, the Department of Comedy. The first Secretary of Comedy will be Carlos Mencia. His duties will be up to him, the president figuring he’ll come up with something entertaining to take America’s mind off the 2nd Great Depression.

Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol will give birth to a son and Governor Palin will insist he’s the Messiah and announce the beginning of the Rapture. Later in the year, Bristol will earn big money posing for the centerfold of Playboy magazine. Governor Palin will declare her daughter a witch and a servant of the Anti-Christ, who she will identify as Al Franken.

Vladimir Putin will start dressing like Stalin. Not to be outdone, the recently retired President of the United States George W. Bush will start showing up at Texas Rangers baseball games dressed as Uncle Sam.

Former boxing champion George Foreman will come out of retirement to fight for the heavyweight title at age 60 and win it with a with a fifth round knockout of Vitali Klischko delivered with a body blow. That is, George will belly-bump the champion into the ropes, trapping him there with his huge fat body before punching him silly.

At the end of 2009 the economy will suddenly recover and the Depression will end when the lost trillions of dollars suddenly reappear just as mysteriously as they vanished. A huge accounting error will be blamed. President Obama will decide to keep the Department of Comedy around, just in case.

The National Hockey League will make history when in a hockey game between the Detroit Penguins and the Philadelphia Flyers, not a single fist fight breaks out. Disappointed fans will riot.

The Supreme Court will decide that gay marriage is just fine, but not for any civil rights reasons. In a majority opinion, Justice John Paul Stevens will explain that the court has decided that in light of the fact that nearly 50% of all marriages end up in divorce court, gays just haven’t been doing their fair share when it comes to supporting the legal community.

Everybody in Zimbabwe except for President Robert Mugabe will die of cholera and Zimbabwe will truly be his alone. Upon learning of this, the United Nations will breathe a sigh of relief and form a Blue Ribbon Panel to study the continuing genocide campaigns elsewhere in Africa. Their non-binding resolutions will be due in the year 2013.

The overwhelming Democratic majorities in both houses of Congress will pass a law outlawing fedoras, not for any particular reason, but just because they can. In a show of solidarity and civil disobedience, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh will start wearing fedoras. The Democrats get a huge kick out of the whole thing before the Supreme Court tosses the law.

Sports Illustrated Magazine will declare that golf and bowling really aren’t sports after all, but games, and they will cease to cover them. Their indisputable logic will be that even people who are really out of shape can excel at these activities that require minimal physical exertion, no strategy beyond the obvious object of the game and no defense. No one will argue since golfers and bowlers aren’t too keen about breaking a sweat.

Bernard Madoff will be found not guilty at his trial for defrauding his fellow super-wealthy people on the grounds that they were gullible and greedy idiots begging to be ripped off. Adding insult to larceny, the judge orders his victims to pay his legal fees.

Oprah Winfrey will announce her plan to stay fat for good when she finds out that Las Vegas bookmakers have a betting line on her weight fluctuations. The over/under number recently hit 258 pounds plus or minus 3. Disappointed oddsmakers turn to a betting line on when the immensely fat and drug-addled Rush Limbaugh finally has a stroke or a heart attack. Betting is brisk and the smart money goes with the stroke.

And finally, the new Harry Potter movie will be released and will do no business at all when people realize what silly drivel it all was in the first lace.

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