Loyal readers, it has come to our attention that there’s still around 40 or 50 billion immediate bailout dollars available from The United States Treasury, with another $350 billion out of the original $700 billion being held in reserve for future bailouts. Well, all we at can say is, Ahem! Like America’s giant corporations, hard times have hit and our affiliate The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO). I know many of you were under the impression that DOPOTO was itself an agency of the government, but nothing could be further from the truth. It is a wholly owned subsidiary of and, like its parent company, is in immediate need of an infusion of cash to meet operating costs and stave off financial disaster (that disaster being us not getting the big dough).

We’re not looking for tens of billions of the taxpayers’ money here like the giant banks and auto makers, folks. Just one ought to do it. And unlike the great conglomerates, we’re not looking for a complicated loan here with dubious prospects of a return in our investment. A handout is more like it, no strings attached. And for that one lousy billion, we promise to continue to provide the public with our unparalleled reporting on everything under the sun and never bother Uncle Sam again. You won’t hear about coming back to the government next year claiming the bailout didn’t work and more dough is needed. No sirree, bobcrespo, we’ll use that money wisely to streamline our operation and make it eco-friendly, fiscally responsible or whatever else the Treasury wants to hear. And this time, we’ll mean it! Besides, it will be difficult to complain from within the confines of the luxurious new headquarters staffed with many servants in an exotic location that this bailout will get us.

After all, never plowed through hundreds of billions of dollars of our shareholders’ money by acting greedy and irresponsible, mainly because we never had that chance. We also never continued with destructive company policies that fabulously enriched a few executives at the expense of company performance (but wouldn’t mind trying). Never have we put hundreds of thousands of people’s life savings and retirements in jeopardy or laid off tens of thousands of loyal and dedicated American workers (hard to do when you’re a one-man operation). That’s not how we roll around here. Instead, has been the very model of whatever the hell kind of company we are, (we’re just not all that sure).

So we put this question to the United States Government: Can America afford not to bail out Who would provide this vital service to the American public, and at no charge? Unlike the New York Times, CNN, BBC News, The Washington Post and the other gigantic corporate media outlets, does not operate under the constraints of telling the truth all the time and providing fair and unbiased coverage, nor do we pretend to display any modicum of journalistic standards (sort of like Fox News without the wealth or propaganda). This is truly free press here, people, and we tell you things you won’t hear elsewhere, and be thankful for that!

Where else can the average Joe and Jane America read Life Explained every day? Without this cash infusion, what is to become of The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious? Who would point out the 800 pound gorilla in the room without DOPOTO on the job 24/7? And where will the money come from to record new songs for the Music Page? Those songs don’t write and record themselves! The songwriter and performers(Ahem!) and the studio rental and studio personnel must be paid. Free only means free on your end of the deal. Blogs, Life Explained, short stories and DOPOTO reports take time and money to manufacture. This is brain-busting work here, ladies and gentlemen, and our model-thin budget just isn’t cutting it. It’s time for the government to step up to the plate and decide if it wants America to be as American as it always was or to be less American by not bailing out (we learned that argument from Bush The Younger and his clever buddies in the Bailed-out Billionaire’s Club).

So our question to loyal readers is this: Any of you know this Henry Paulson guy who’s in charge of handing out all this moolah? More to the point, does he have any exploitable vices? You know, drugs, sex, criminal acts, that sort of thing. Maybe one of his kids has something hide that will embarrass he old man? We can only keep our fingers crossed. Which is not to say we’d blackmail the man with such information (and also not to say we won’t). It’s just that such important data just might help us elbow our way to the front of the line considering that our lobbyist budget is also quite slim. The incredibly wealthy multinationals have all sorts of hooks into the Washington establishment and we want to get ours before these corporations siphon off all the bailout money like they did with everybody else’s dough. These leeches are like ten deep at the free smorgasbord and open bar that is the U.S Treasury right now and getting even fatter and drunker than they’ve been lately, if that’s possible. 

So, anybody know anything useful? Teenage hookers, crystal meth? Maybe the guy killed somebody just for the hell of it and covered it up? Don’t forget that for many years he was a CEO of a huge financial house, and you know how those guys act sometimes, getting all coked up on their yachts and throwing poor people overboard on the high seas just for sport. Maybe Paul Jr. is a cross-dressing crack whore, who knows? We’re not particular. Or particularly scrupulous. Videotape is preferable but doctored still photographs or audio tape will suffice. We learn what we can from the big boys when it comes to leverage. We’re certainly not going to ask our customers to pay for our services. God forbid, the cheapskates! Just kidding (maybe).

No, wants to achieve fiscal solvency the old fashioned American way: blow all our dough on questionable business practices, hookers, cocaine, private jets and giving executives huge bonuses and then alternately begging and bullying the government to hand us a lot of the taxpayers’ hard-earned. If you thought we were going to say (!) earn it, where have you been for the past 8 years? That was the old America and the tubby old careful businessmen who built all these failing industries before the greedy corporate pirate princes took over. Did anybody think that the Enron scandal was an isolated incident? Hell, that was just the pebble that triggered the avalanche. 

The fact that the government and America in general closed their eyes and hoped the bogeymen would go away didn’t stop the corner office masterminds from looting the nation’s wealth to the tune of trillions of dollars. Well, being a nickel-and-dime small time outfit, we’ve never had that opportunity to crash and burn in any spectacular way like the multinationals, but just give a chance and we can be as much a part of the fabric of American life as General Motorheads or Merril Lynched. Write to your government representatives today about the plight of this great American  institution and demand that they give ’til it hurts. Hurts someone else, that is. We may be greedy and irresponsible, but we’re not stupid. Bail out today and help create the monster we know we can become!

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