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DEAR ANSWER LADY

Have a problem that needs solving? A question unanswered? A crisis in your life? Write to The Answer Lady, spill your guts and let her sort it out. Everybody knows we humans have no clue as to how to conduct our own lives, so as a public service The Answer Lady will provide solutions. Here's some samples of her penetrating advice to vexed correspondents:

Dear Answer Lady,
I have had the same job for almost 8 years now, and I'm ready to retire. I don't want to retire, but I have this special job where they only let you work at it for 8 years. The reason I am writing to you is that a lot of people have been saying a lot of bad things about the way I have done my job and I feel very sad about that. When I was hired a lot of bad things happened and I had to make some unpopular decisions to straighten them out. I made some pretty big mistakes and trusted some people maybe I shouldn't have and things are in a pretty big mess now. What can I do to make people like me again?
-Confused in Crawford

Dear Confused in Crawford,
Stop your whining, for one thing. Then just go away. And try not to make any important decisions before you leave. It's pretty obvious that nobody's going to like you again. Ever. Deal with it.

Dear Answer Lady,
I am a former CEO of a former bank. The bank is bankrupt and I have only my 20 million dollar Golden Parachute to make ends meet. My problem is this: How can I get back to making $18 million a year so I can continue my CEO lifestyle? It's not cheap, you know. There's all those houses, the jet, the servants who insist on getting paid every week, the mistress who insists on getting expensive jewelry on a regular basis, all sorts of large expenses that other people do not have. What can I do about this?
-Completely Inconsolable in Connecticut

Dear Inconsolable in Connecticut
It sound like you have a real problem on your hands. Why not take one of the golden ropes out of your golden parachute and hang yourself? Life as you knew it is over forever and you'll be doing yourself and your loved ones a favor. Via con Dios!

Dear Answer Lady,
I'm a proud hockey Mom from a rural state where I was a pretty big deal. This past month I have found myself in an awkward situation where people expect me to know a lot of stuff that's really complicated. They don't seem to accept my answers to the questions they ask me, real brain-busting information that no one ever really thinks or cares about! No one asks me about things that are important, like gutting a caribou in the woods, fighting witches and getting revenge on people who insulted me. Why are these people doing this to me and how can I make them stop?
-Jumbled in Juneau

Dear Jumbled in Juneau,
Did it ever occur to you try to learn new things? Maybe open a book or start Googling information on your computer? It sounds to me like you are in way over your head in whatever it is you are trying to do. And take it from The Answer Lady, there are no witches. If you had learned your history, you'd know they were all drowned in Salem, Massachusetts 400 years ago! Now stop complaining and hire a tutor or the Bitch Hunt will continue!

Dear Answer Lady,
How many homes do most people own? There are some people around me that tell me only one! I don't believe they are telling me the truth. Who has only one house? That's ridiculous!
-Perplexed in Phoenix

Dear Perplexed in Phoenix,
Are you writing from a mental institution? The Answer Lady frowns on exploiting the mentally unstable, so I have to ask you: who put you up to this? Shame on them. May they rot in hell for toying with feeble minds!

Dear Answer Lady,
I have a TV show where I yell at the camera and call everybody bad names. I also invite guests on my show, interrupt them constantly and then edit the show to place them in a bad light and reveal myself to be infinitely superior to them, totally misleading everybody as to what was really said. It's amazing what you can do with tape editing. You can make Mother Theresa herself look like Satan if you want to! That's not my problem, though, I enjoy my job immensely. My problem is that a lot of people make fun of me and don't recognize me for the genius that I am. How can I make them see the light?
-Miffed in Manhattan

Dear Miffed in Manhattan,
I have seen your show, Miffed, and you really need to face the fact that you are nothing close to a genius, merely a live cartoon character shrieking for the entertainment of your audience. You never heard Moe, Larry or Curly moaning about being misunderstood, did you? Grow up already and accept your niche in society! You are the modern equivalent of a Court Jester and the sooner you realize that, the more content you will be. And if I were you, I'd stay away from any IQ tests. Better leave well enough alone. Besides, your comical delusional tendencies are a huge part of your slapstick appeal. That's like asking Jim Carey to tone it down a little. Don't mess with success!

So, there you have it, The Answer Lady in action, solving perplexing problems and telling it like it is. Do you have a problem for The Answer Lady to solve? You can write to her care of bobcrespo.com any time. But be warned: The Answer Lady speaks the truth exclusively so if your ego is easily bruised or if you're not all that bright you may be disappointed in her answers.

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