So, Bush The Younger is going all Socialist on us now. He's nationalized a bunch of banks, but being Bush The Younger, he picked the ones that were losing big money. It's costing you and I a trillion bucks too, or about $3,300 apiece before interest. But wait, not everybody pays taxes around here, like disabled people, children and the wealthy, so your share is probably double or triple that amount. Why couldn't he nationalize something profitable like an oil company or Microsoft or something? That way we could collect dividends instead of paying for rich guys' greed and blunders. What's next, Ford Motors? They certainly qualify, having lost $15 billion in three months time.

With the election coming, electing a smart guy doesn't seem like such a bad idea anymore. And what exactly was the problem with electing the smartest guy in the room like we used to? People that used to keep an eye on things? In retrospect, that whole free-market non-regulating mentality doesn't seem like such a brainstorm now that the our entire financial industry is going kablooey. That trillion dollars could have come in handy to provide healthcare for every American like most other advanced nations. The trillion could also have paid for a lot new schools and great teachers. Instead, it's paying for the bad habits of greedy executives.

What else does a trillion buy? A trillion lottery tickets, for one thing. About 125 billion packs of cigarettes. 90 billion 6-packs of beer. 67 billion pizzas. 50 million cars. 5 million houses. 12 1/2 billion pairs of shoes, 2 pairs for everybody on earth. 10 billion steak dinners, complete with appetizer, salad, a couple of drinks, coffee and desert plus a tip. 450 billion subway rides. 200 billion foot-long Subway sandwiches. 280 billion Big Macs. About 350 million diamond rings. 100 million deluxe hot tub spas. 17 billion bottles of good whiskey. 5 billion visits to a high class hooker. 2 trillion newspapers. 3 trillion packs of chewing gum. 1 trillion, 333 billion candy bars. 4 billion pistols. 750 sky scrapers or football stadiums, take your pick.

That's a lot of buying power, $1,000,000,000,000. Look at all those zeros! And for our trillion, the U.S. taxpayer is getting pretty much a bunch of those zeros. Doesn't seem fair. Could we at least get a refrigerator magnet or a pen or something? The executives who screwed up these giant companies all got millions and millions of dollars before they got fired, and then they got millions more to go away quietly. Nice work if you can get it: burning through a trillion dollars worth of wealth like a bunch of drunken sailors. They must have had a lot of fun doing that. You have to figure that yachts, casinos, fur coats for hookers, champagne and lots and lots of recreational drugs had to be involved in there somewhere. You don't burn a trillion bucks doing regular stuff, you had to have been really out there trying your damnedest. It's amazing these guys lived through it.

So now we pay for their fun, having had no taste of the high life these guys enjoyed for years and years. We don't get to ride in the back of a spacious limousine with expensive girls or fly to St. Tropez for a weekend rendezvous with our mistresses. No personal trainers for us, or luxury boxes at sporting events. No adrenaline rushes as a result of gambling billions of somebody else's dollars. Nothing but another sizable bill to pay for the failure of our government to keep an eye on these decadent clowns. Which will be a neat trick at the rate our jobs are disappearing.

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