I could have saved a lot of people a lot of trouble if only they listened. Take the geniuses over at AOL for example. They were once the big kid on the block when it came to e-mail servers, the industry standard if you will. Only problem was that they charged a monthly fee for their services while their competitors charged substantially less, like nothing, free, zero dollars, yours for the asking. How do they make any money, wondered AOL? The ads, stupid, all the advertising on every page on the internet.
People need to buy stuff and the more people that peruse your advertisement the more stuff you're likely to sell and when said people are perusing the internet for free there's likely to be no shortage of them. So, noting this new phenomenon, that people will gladly eat a free lunch, the AOL brain trust responded decisively. How? They raised their prices, figuring that a costly monthly bill will convince consumers that they are getting something the freebie users are not.
I could have told them that AOL users don't associate exclusively with other AOL users so word of the free web hosts that give them the identical services would spread quickly. So what happens? From 30 million subscribers they're down to about 12 million people willing to pay a toll on a free road, still raking in a lot of monthly dough but the value of their stock plummeted from 236 billion yahoos down to about 20 billion netzeros pretty quick, even with their merger with Time/Warner.
Now 20 bil is still a lot of money, but making 216 billion hotmails disappear overnight is quite a magic trick, one that I'm assuming doesn't amuse their investors all that much. Not even the car companies can match those losses. But did they listen and go the free e-mail route like I told them? Ask Yahoo and the other free e-mail companies that are growing in leaps and bounds. But like I've said time and again, nobody listens.
Take good old O.J. Simpson. Here you are a lucky son of a gun acquitted of slicing and dicing your ex-wife and some poor shnook who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Here was your big chance in life to turn things around and be a good person, live out your life quietly and raise your kids and learn something from your mistakes. Maybe do some volunteer work in hospitals, some public speaking warning young people not to act like you did, that sort of thing. Get some therapy for himself and his children. In short, get humble and try to be a good person.
Did he take that advice? Ask the guy who he robbed at gunpoint last month in Vegas. Ask the publisher of a book in which he all but brags he got away with two murders. Ask the judge who relieved him of his Rolex watch to give to the the dead guy's family to compensate them for his death. Ask his kids, who are probably living the strangest life imaginable and must live in fear every day of their lives. Ask anyone with a lick of common sense. Just don't ask O.J. himself if their are any sharp implements handy.
How about that Donald Trump guy? To his credit he never murdered anybody but he sure is one annoying son of a bitch. He's been told time and time again that nobody likes a bully and a delusional egomaniac. He dismisses that kind of talk as jealousy over his great wealth. Oh yeah? What about Bill Gates, the richest guy on the planet? He's not hated like The Donald. But then Trump brags about his prowess with women, saying stupid things like he's the best lover since Casanova. What did he think these gold digging bimbos are going to tell him, the truth? That he's the biggest gas bag this side of the Goodyear blimp and a boring braggart?
Then he goes and gets in a public fight with Rosie O'Donnel, America's favorite bull dyke. He calls her a fat slob and then tells the world with a straight face that he could seduce her girlfriend, by definition also a lesbian and so not interested in anything The Donald had to offer, even his money since Rosie's plenty rich too. Well, she doesn't back down and she goes to the mat with Trump and pretty much wipes the floor with him. Good for Rosie. She always was an enjoyable personality and not afraid to be who she is in a very public way. Plus she's a real funny comic and a superb entertainer, something Trump thought he was but found out different.
The Donald, on the other hand, can't invent enough imaginary attributes for himself. Come on pal, grow up already! Let me talk to you man to man here, The Donald. Mind if i call you The? All us guys when we were little boys imagined ourselves to be things we weren't: cowboys, firemen, movies stars, heroes, Mickey Mantle, you name it. Then we grew up and we are what we are and we're not what we're not. It's knowing your assets and your liabilities that made you a great businessman, The. Why can't you apply that to your actual life?
Like we say in Brooklyn, nothing wrong with you that two quick slaps wouldn't cure. You'll snap out of quick and get over yourself. You'll thank me for it afterward, believe me, unless of course you need two more sharp smacks. Some guys seem to need more than one wake-up call. Let me know, I know plenty of people besides myself who'd be happy to help you out there. Line forms to the left.
Why The Donald is not happy to be a talented builder and developer blessed with great wealth is beyond me. He's all that for sure and has built many exciting buildings, most of them with his name plastered all over them but nonetheless he knows how to get things done in the real estate and development world. Wouldn't that be enough for most people, to be really good at something and to succeed in it beyond your wildest dreams? Why bother with lousy reality TV shows that reveal a mean-spirited bully and a delusional fool who like to make his interns jump through hoops before he fires them in a cruel and vicious way. Shut up already and build something.
Author's Note: The woods are thick with people who don't listen. I think I'm going to make this a regular feature on this website. Anybody who knows a prominent example of such people is welcome to let me know about them by clicking on the Contact part of the site menu. For more on the subject, just click on Stories and Esaays and read Nobody Listens. Ciao for now. -Bob Crespo
P.S. bobcrespo.com is now accepting nominations for the TWO QUICK SLAPS AWARDS. Anybody you think has earned Two Quick Slaps for public idiocy is welcome for consideration by our panel of judges (me) in the following categories: Politics, Industry, Blond Bimboism, Celebrity Idiocy, Sports, Fashion or any category you deem worthy of the prestigious Two Quick Slaps Award. I already have way too many volunteers offering to administer the Two Quick Slaps to the lucky winners so don't overload the bobcrespo.com switchboard with phone calls, just e-mail us your nominations with reasons why this or that person deserves Two Quick Slaps.